Jaded and confused

[epyon77x]

Hello everyone,

 

I occasionally post on KSS but often spend time lurking in this section of forum and now the time has come for me to share my woes and seek advice. Please do not mind if the post turns out to be a long one because Im not a native speaker and sometimes its hard to phrase stuff precisely..

 

For past three years my musical life revolved around an all original band with some seriously talented players, but I did a lot of things on the side, some covers, smaller gigs, scoring and sound design for movies etc. Im busy, and cant complain for the lack of gigs. I wont be bold enough to say that music is my life but it surely it has been part of my life where happiness was most likely to be found and at one point in life it helped me to prevail against chronic depression.

I never thought Id get to the point where the thought of quitting it all crosses my mind daily.

 

It started as slight disenchantment with lack of ambition and work ethics which unnecessarily slowed down some projects, completely destroyed others, but that is something that always happens when doing music and definitely nothing out of the ordinary.

 

However, in the past year it has developed almost to the point of allergic reaction. The worst thing is, and one Im most ashamed of, is that reaction is centered mostly on people. Im tired of constant talks and big words on art, feelings, stage presence, conveying emotions and all that important stuff while the basics are neglected and it seems like a lot of people I work and worked with are more interested in running their mouths like they are some big shot multi platinum touring artists then finishing a piece of work and the product being up to spec. I dont have to mention that band logistics is also one of the things that dont make the cut in pursuit of solving the higher mysteries of music.

 

Im sick and tired because its been an endless cycle of putting in effort and having less than satisfactory product and feeling isolated from the crowd because everything feels so inward, egotistic, disconnected. I just want to get the work done, be sharp and tight and then think about all the higher aspects of art. Lately, more often than not, when I go home lugging my equipment I dont feel happy like I used to, I brood an all the corners that were cut and feel like crap because you cant fool the crowd too many times.

 

As a result, I instantly flip out ( inside only, of course ) when I hear people talking in length about any of above mentioned things, it actually came to a point where the annoyance overshadows music because it all feels wrong, and being obsessed with rightness or wrongness of reasons that compel people to do music is not something Im comfortable with. Yet it persists, as in search of greener pastures ( and some side jobs ) I repeatedly encountered the same attitude and very developed "musician and artist" identities coupled with the same...lack of proclivity towards sweating it out to get the best possible performance.

 

So, this autumn I have important recording sessions for an album, a european tour is being arranged for next spring, and some other projects coming to fruition yet Im completely paralyzed because there is no happiness in it all. I feel tired and unhappy and like Im having unreasonable expectations. Yet, I wonder, whether the desire to do the job right, be the best you can and giving the money's worth to club owners and crowds is all that wrong.

 

Please chime in, because this confusion is killing me, I dont want to make any rash decisions and I obviously need some input from people both more experienced and smarter. Thank you for your time.

[chevybusa]

FOA, my condolences on your situation man that really sucks. The thing is you mentioned chronic depression, I'm no doctor or anything, but have you tried meds? It might be worth going to the doctor and telling him what you're dealing with, and hopefully you'll get some meds that might help.

 

It sounds like you've got a lot of successful things happening, but are miserable due to all the bull{censored} that comes along with that. I can definitley relate, I never had anywhere NEAR the level of success you do but all the bull{censored} that came along with being in a band and gigging and the whole music "biz" and "scene" just made me so {censored}ing disgusted that I gave up the whole thing in my early 20's and haven't gigged or been in a band since, and just play write and record at home with the gear in my sig, and couldn't be happier.

 

Again I would go see a doctor, it might just be a matter of getting some pills and you'll be good to go, but it sounds like as of now you are SERIOUSLY unhappy even just THINKING about what you have to do this autumn, and if you're that miserable now, just think of how bad it will be once you actually have to do it.

 

Good luck man, again I would seriously advice going to a doctor and telling him what you're dealing with, hopefully you can get some meds that will help, or if you were on meds before, maybe you just need to start taking them again or need something new. Hope everything works out for you man.

[Lee Flier]

Do be careful about taking antidepressants - they have really killed the creativity for a lot of people I know who have taken them. Not saying don't try it, but if it has an effect on you that you don't like, don't hesitate to request that you be weaned off them or try something else. Also, I suggest you DON'T see a regular MD about this but an actual psychotherapist. MDs will often just prescribe pills because they don't know any other way to treat depression, when it fact there may be other ways that are more lasting and effective. The whole "pop a pill and feel better" approach often does not work over the long run.

 

All that said... your situation really sucks and it's something pretty common among creative people. Let me ask you something: what's your role in your band, and how much of your current success is tied to the identity of that band specifically?

 

That is, is there some possibility that you're just playing with the wrong group of people? That rather than thinking of quitting music altogether, you need to find people with a work ethic more in line with yours? You say your band has "extremely talented players" but how can that really be, if they won't work on the basics?

 

Maybe you need to give some specific examples of what you think is lacking, and describe your role in the band, better so that we can help you better.

[OldGuitarPlayer]

If you can afford the financial consequences I'd suggest you quit this band asap...seriously.

[Lee Flier]

Without knowing any further details, I agree.