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I have located the most annoying place on planet Earth

jcn37203

By jcn37203
in Effects and Processors

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jcn37203 Newbie

jcn37203

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Originally posted by blaghaus

you have obviously never been to southdene community centre, kirkby, liverpool, merseyside, England, UK, Europe, the world.


my place of work.

 

 

This is true.

 

But let me paint the scene for you.

 

It starts on the freeway (we call them interstates, but people look at me funny when I say that).

 

You're on the freeway, and traffic starts to slow. Eventually it's crawling and you realize 1,000 lanes of traffic are merging in to two thirds of one lane.

 

You then creep along like this through a construction zone for 73 hours, with no food or restroom breaks. Bedouins are passing you by on foot, their camels mocking you with arrogant sneers.

 

Eventually, tractor trailers engulf your entire periphery. All you can see in every direction is 40 inch tires and weird coily cables dangling underneath like alien penises. As the freeway widens again, the truckers pick up speed, catching you in their draft. You're being sucked along at speeds you can't comprehend, because to slow down is to be plowed over by a Yosemity Sam grill plate.

 

Because of the construction, the normal exits are rerouted. The new exits are at perfect 90 degree angles with the interstate. You see your exit 100 feet ahead. Your timing must be perfect, hit the brake, yank the wheel and you realize "{censored}, is it north or south? {censored}! North or south? {censored}! WHICH IS IT {censored}?!" and you pick one at random.

 

Of course, the wrong one.

 

A month later you've found a place to turn around, and now you can begin retracing your steps in the correct direction.

 

Eventually you pull in to the parking lot at the mall, and enter the door (pulling on the totally authentic deer antler door handle, by the way).

 

Go through the turnstyle and behold, an ocean of stereotype. Dale Earnhardt Realtree ® camoflauge gun cozies immediately to your right, and the frightening thing is that there are only three left on the shelf.

 

On your left, enough beef jerky to feed all of Africa.

 

You plow through, ignoring the horrors surrounding you. You came for a pair of hiking boots.

 

Cold and alone, you throw yourself down aisle after aisle. A bottle catches your attention. You could swear it says "deer urine" on it, but don't really want to investigate further. Other bizarre jars and bottles sit on the shelves around you, like aborted fetuses, pig hearts, swolen livers. It's like one of the later episodes of the X Files. Something doesn't seem right.

 

As you approach the aisle labeled "boots" the crowd starts to thicken. As the crowd thickens, you start to notice it is becoming harder and harder to avoid touching other men's bellies. Eventually, you are running a maze of bellies. Bouncing off of them like some sick funhouse. You fear for your life as shirt buttons are strained, like rocks in slingshots, liable to go off at any moment and rob a man of eyesight for life. You put on a pair of shooter's glasses and trudge on.

 

All of your attention is focused on dodging hat brims and bellies at this point. Your hiking boots can be seen, in a beam of light in the distance. You see the faint outline of angels caressing them, encouraging you, but in a patronizing tone.

 

Suddenly, out from under a nearby belly, several crab-like children, grinning with kool aid moustaches scuttle sideways, sticky claws held in the air, snapping for your genitals. You are now simultanously protecting your family jewels by kicking at these horrid creatures, and still having to duck hat brims. You've given up on avoiding the bellies, you lean in to them for support. Use them to your advantage.

 

You spy a flannel-covered belly that seems to be heading in the direction of your boots, and climb on, leaving the lisping idiot children behind, shaking their claws, swearing to have your balls some day.

 

The mouth attached to the belly on which you are riding smells of tobacco juice and rotting teeth. So far this is the most pleasant part of your visit to Outdoor World.

 

As the belly passes by your boots, you jump off. Filled with the joy of your victory, you take your time in selecting the right size of boot. Ensuring a good fit and comfortable feel. You even indulge in selecting a nice set of insoles. The whole time, oblivious to the encroaching mob of conservative man-flesh closing in on you from all sides.

 

As you turn to leave the boots aisle, you realize all too late that you are trapped. The bellies move in to crush you. Just as the lights begin to fade to darkness, one of the buttons pop off of the largest of the bellies and expose a "W" tattoo. You curse the gods and fade in to sweet oblivion.

 

Some time later, a stray dog wakes you up, licking your blackened, swollen eyelid.

 

You sit up on the sidewalk outside of Outdoor World.

 

Beside you sits a large shoebox and a credit card receipt. You have attained your boots, but at what cost? What had happened to you after the blackout? Your entire body is sore. Your pants are on inside out.

 

My God, what have they done?

 

It's probably better to not know the answer to some questions.

 

Enjoy your boots, they're waterpoof.

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Axeslinger Newbie

Axeslinger

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Originally posted by BillyGrahamCracker



What I'd do in that case is start a rumor 'round the neighborhood that you caught him in the alley {censored}ing a stray dog.

 

 

 

That gives the lil bastard too much power..

 

So,, I'd start said rumor but depict the youngster as the catcher,,rather than the pitcher in that scenario;)

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seifukusha Newbie

seifukusha

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Originally posted by jcn37203

And unfortunately, it is in my town.


Bass Pro Shops Outdoor World, Opry Mills mall, Nashville, TN.


Jesus Bojangles Christ.


I've never been more open to suicide bombing in my life.

 

 

is there a massive amount of cool guitar shops in nashville?

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jcn37203 Newbie

jcn37203

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Originally posted by seifukusha



is there a massive amount of cool guitar shops in nashville?

 

 

Ehh, a dozen or so. How awesome they are depends on your definition of awesome. Everything from vintage-only acoutstics, Guitar Center, Sam Ash, expensive studio only stuff, ghetto shops, etc.

 

GruhnGruhn is here, they're pretty famous.

 

I come from a 1 guitar store town, so it's awesome to me. But I'm sure cities with millions of people have more gear circulating.

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