Members ckjbod Posted June 24, 2002 Members Share Posted June 24, 2002 I'm sorry to add another one of these to this forum. But here is a song I just wrote tonight. Tell me how you like it....what is wrong etc.: Argentinian business tycoon Your wife told me to go to the moon And....... I want to marry your wife I want to marry your wife Argentinian business tycoon Your wife is pretty--she makes me swoon And...... I want to marry your wife I want to marry your wife I want to fly I want to fly up to the moon Her body makes Me feel so blue I want to touch I want to touch you everywhere Your body makes Me feel so blue (makes me feel so blue) And I'd love her like only I would If she loved me too it would be real good All night we'd stay out all night Everything would be all right! (said ahallright ) ) All night when we stay out all night Stay out all night Stay out all night And we will windsurf with the stars We will visit the hot spots on mars When art revolves around what is art My heart revolves around what is art Mr. Tokyo fashion machine I want to hit the goddamn scene! And..... I want to marry your wife I want to marry your wife Mr. Tokyo fashion machine If you've got a girl I'm gonna make her my queen! And..... I want to marry your wife I want to marry your wife I want to fly I want to fly up to the moon Her body makes Me feel so blue I want to touch you everywhere Your body makes Me feel so blue (makes me feel so blue) And I'd love her like only I would If she loved me too it would be real good All night we'd stay out all night Everything would be all right! All right when we stay out all night Stay out all night Stay out all night And we will windsurf with the stars We will visit the hot spots on mars When art revolves around what is art My heart revolves around what is art Ending.... And..... I want to marry your wife I want to marry your wifeAnd we will windsurf with the stars We will visit the hot spots on mars When art revolves around what is art My heart revolves around what is art (repeat ending several times until song is done) Well what do you think? I was kind of wanting it to sound like sort of an odd/cliche indie/lo-fi pop song. How did I do? Any criticism will be appreciated. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sonic Boy Posted June 24, 2002 Members Share Posted June 24, 2002 Cool.Seriously. They would fit well in a indie/lo-fi song and if you did on purpose to include many cliches then it's cool, mainly cause those cliches clash with the oddness of some parts of the lyric. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ckjbod Posted June 25, 2002 Author Members Share Posted June 25, 2002 Originally posted by Sonic Boy Cool.Seriously. They would fit well in a indie/lo-fi song and if you did on purpose to include many cliches then it's cool, mainly cause those cliches clash with the oddness of some parts of the lyric. Thanks a lot man! I'm glad you thought the lyrics were odd, thats what I was striving for. Is there anyone else willing to critique this song? Any reccomendations or anything? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ckjbod Posted June 26, 2002 Author Members Share Posted June 26, 2002 bump....... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ckjbod Posted July 2, 2002 Author Members Share Posted July 2, 2002 Originally posted by ckjbod bump....... ditto Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Frothy Posted July 2, 2002 Members Share Posted July 2, 2002 I can't do critiques, but I say yes. It is good and it works for what you want it to do. If you really want the use of cliches to stand out, though, I think you may want to stick in more obvious ones. When I first read it through, it did sound like cliches were used a bit, but I really didn't think they were over used. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Frothy Posted July 2, 2002 Members Share Posted July 2, 2002 Now that I look at it again, it's full of cliches. Ignore me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members JackSonic Posted July 2, 2002 Members Share Posted July 2, 2002 hated it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members electricmel Posted July 2, 2002 Members Share Posted July 2, 2002 I see where you're at...with the Modest Mouse props and all. It definetely has some "minimalist cool" to it. It remnded me a bit of a Velvets/Early Bowie thing, too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ckjbod Posted July 3, 2002 Author Members Share Posted July 3, 2002 Thanks Electricmel and Frothy. Jacksonic...why don't you like it? I want to know how I can fix it etc. so I kind of need some more info. I love the Velvet Underground. Thanks again everyone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Bossa Posted July 6, 2002 Members Share Posted July 6, 2002 Something a little Bowie-esque about it, I suppose. However, I would say that if the theme is stealing the wife of rich and famous men and floating away with them in ectasy, you could do better. What is it about the wives that make you feel good? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members TheAceOfSpades Posted July 6, 2002 Members Share Posted July 6, 2002 There's a Reel Big Fish song that's quite similar. "I Want Your Girlfriend to be My Girlfriend Too": "She's so {censored}in' cute.I wish that she was mine.She's so {censored}in' cute I'm gonna lose my mind.Don't know what to do...Maybe I could kill you. I want your girlfriend to be myI want your girlfriend to be myI want your girlfriend to by my girlfriend...Too!" I like yours better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ckjbod Posted July 7, 2002 Author Members Share Posted July 7, 2002 Thanks Bossa and Ace. I actually hadn't heard any of Bowie's music until a few weeks ago when I saw him on Conan O'Brien. I enjoyed the song. The song is kind of about living the lives of the rich and famous but that isn't the main theme or what I was trying to 'say' in the song. Glad you like my song better than the Reel Big Fish one . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ckjbod Posted July 10, 2002 Author Members Share Posted July 10, 2002 What type of music is Bowie categorized under? Any songs I should check out? Anyone else got anything to say about the song? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members electricmel Posted July 10, 2002 Members Share Posted July 10, 2002 You love The Velvet Underground but just heard David Bowie for the first time a week ago????? Wierd. Are you a youngster? Anyway - Go immediately out and buy Ziggy Stardust. Next Hunky Dory. Trust me on these...I'll send you your $$ back if you don't like. He is hard to categorize because he's gone through a few stylistic changes. Folk/Rock/Soul/Ambient/Punk/Pop... In his own category, maybe. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ckjbod Posted July 11, 2002 Author Members Share Posted July 11, 2002 Sweet. Thanks mel I'll definitely be checking him out. I love the Velvet Underground but always kind of thought Bowie was some New Wave person from the 80's. Shows you what I know I guess. I am indeed a youngster (under 18) so I haven't really heard too much Bowie. I'll go to amazon and look at Ziggy Stardust. Thanks! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members electricmel Posted July 11, 2002 Members Share Posted July 11, 2002 Yeah - He was a glam-rocker at one point. If you like Modest Mouse/GBV/Built To Spill/Flaming Lips types - you'll love the Ziggy era stuff. Killer guitars! Check out "Moonage Daydream" and, of course, the title track He was more new wave/ambient in the later 70's. He did a lot of groundbreaking work w/ Brian Eno Great albums - Low, Heroes, and one other I can't remember the name of??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KidKline Posted July 11, 2002 Members Share Posted July 11, 2002 You're under 18 and you write like that? Sweet!! I look forward to hearing you on the radio. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ckjbod Posted July 12, 2002 Author Members Share Posted July 12, 2002 Originally posted by electricmel Yeah - He was a glam-rocker at one point.If you like Modest Mouse/GBV/Built To Spill/Flaming Lips types - you'll love the Ziggy era stuff.Killer guitars! Check out "Moonage Daydream" and, of course, the title trackHe was more new wave/ambient in the later 70's.He did a lot of groundbreaking work w/ Brian EnoGreat albums - Low, Heroes, and one other I can't remember the name of??? I'm definitely going to look into Bowie. If he sounds anything remotely like The Flaming Lips, Built To Spill, or Modest Mouse then I will be happy. I'll let you know what I think once I am able to listen to it. Thanks for the recommendation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ckjbod Posted July 12, 2002 Author Members Share Posted July 12, 2002 Originally posted by KidKline You're under 18 and you write like that? Sweet!! I look forward to hearing you on the radio. Gosh....thanks man! I doubt I'll be on the radio anytime soon, but that would be nice. Maybe one day. I'm in the process of making a cd right now, I have a few more songs I want to record and some I want to alter a little bit. i have about 130 minutes worth of music right now but a lot of it I don't like anymore (because I made it when I first got my recording gear, I thought it sounded good then but now I think it sounds kind of amateurish). Yeah I just turned 16 a month ago, although I still kind of feel like I'm 15. Thanks for the compliment! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members electricmel Posted July 12, 2002 Members Share Posted July 12, 2002 Go For It!!! I wish I was listening to Ziggy for the first time again! By the way - of all those bands I listed, you left out GBV - Guided By Voices. They are, quite simply, the best band putting out records and touring today!!! I just saw them Tues and Wed. in ATL and it was life changing, as usaul. No clue on how to tell you to get started in their catalog. Just check out www.gbv.com and dive in head first! You'll thank me later - Bob Pollard is GOD! Any other GBV freakoids out there???????? Stand up and be counted! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ckjbod Posted July 15, 2002 Author Members Share Posted July 15, 2002 I actually have Bee Thousand. But have only listened to it once (and haven't listened again because I don't like it). I'll probably have to listen to it a few more times and then it will sink in, it hasn't so far though. I don't know I just didn't like them for some reason. I think saw them on Conan (or some other late night show) and kind of liked the song they played. I really should listen to it again because I heard a lot of great stuff about it which is why I got it in the first place. What do you think about Bee Thousand compared to their other cd's? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members electricmel Posted July 15, 2002 Members Share Posted July 15, 2002 It's tough at first but once you open the flood gates.... Bee Thousand is as good as any - and a lot of people consider it their best. Just take MMouse for example. Did you TOTALLY get off on the first listen? You might have suffered from the "hype" on Bee Thousand. Give it another try!!! And catch them live at a club near you. Some songs on Bee that are more "instant" classics Kicker Of ElvesGoldheart Mountaintop Queen DirectoryHot FreaksI am a ScientistEchoes MyronAwful BlissScenes From Esther's Day Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members scott williamson Posted July 15, 2002 Members Share Posted July 15, 2002 Terrible, to be frank. I would imagine the music to accompany this would also be bad. Try putting one thought that invokes some human emotion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ckjbod Posted July 16, 2002 Author Members Share Posted July 16, 2002 Originally posted by electricmel It's tough at first but once you open the flood gates....Bee Thousand is as good as any - and a lot of people consider it their best.Just take MMouse for example. Did you TOTALLY get off on the first listen? You might have suffered from the "hype" on Bee Thousand. Give it another try!!!And catch them live at a club near you.Some songs on Bee that are more "instant" classicsKicker Of ElvesGoldheart Mountaintop Queen DirectoryHot FreaksI am a ScientistEchoes MyronAwful BlissScenes From Esther's Day I really liked Modest Mouse when I downloaded three of their songs. They were all awesome. But then when I bought all their cd's I was kind of dissapointed, because they didn't sound anything like the songs I downloaded. But after listening to them over and over I love them. So I guess what you're saying is right, I'll listen to it again. In fact I'll go listen to it now! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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