I think this is a pretty nice set of lyrics

[Etienne Rambert]

I think this is a pretty good set of lyrics.

Let me know what you think, if you have time.

 

An early, incomplete recording of the music is here:

 

Chaplin on the Subway

 

 

I'm waiting for a woman in Greece to add a vocal.

The drums-only spot will have a bass solo if I ever figure

out what to play.

 

 

(NYC Song #5)

[Mind Riot]

I actually think those are quite beautiful. Elegant and poetic, while hinting at a deeper meaning but not being obvious. I really enjoy lyrics that are just about observations one has, be they real or not, but the problem is that those types of lyrics can be done very badly. It's a cliche mine field. That being said, I think those were done very, very well.

 

I love it!!

[olddan]

Originally posted by marcellis I think this is a pretty good set of lyrics.

me too. I think the music fits well too. Altho that one instrument is slightly cheesy. A real sax would be way cool. I realize it's an early (unfinished) demo but the feel is there.

 

Can't wait to hear the finished song.

[Etienne Rambert]

Mindriot & olddan Thanks for reading them.

 

olddan: which instrument is cheesy? The mute trumphet?

 

Damn!

 

I'll give it another listen in 2 weeks.

I need to put it aside for awhile.

 

The singer is Greek, but has a deep female voice

and speaks English with a husky upper class Brit accent.

 

I wish she would get the damned vocal to me though.

[olddan]

Originally posted by marcellis Mindriot & olddan Thanks for reading them. olddan: which instrument is cheesy? The mute trumphet? Damn! I'll give it another listen in 2 weeks. I need to put it aside for awhile. The singer is Greek, but has a deep female voice and speaks English with a husky upper class Brit accent. I wish she would get the damned vocal to me though.

 

It (the sax) sounded pretty bad on my puter speakers. Well not bad so much as not real. Were you using a midi patch? If so, which one.

 

A Greek singer with a British accent singing a New York song. That has to be cool.

[kishina]

so good~

[Etienne Rambert]

olddan: "It (the sax) sounded pretty bad on my puter speakers. Well not bad so much as not real. Were you using a midi patch? If so, which one."

--

Ummm. It's a mute trumphet. Not a sax.

It's a patch from my Korg Triton le.

 

I'll work on it.

 

Thanks.

[olddan]

Originally posted by marcellis olddan: "It (the sax) sounded pretty bad on my puter speakers. Well not bad so much as not real. Were you using a midi patch? If so, which one." -- Ummm. It's a mute trumphet. Not a sax. It's a patch from my Korg Triton le. I'll work on it. Thanks.

sorry, old ears. Ok, I listened again and here's some thoughts for what they're worth. And keep in mind it may just be my puters speakers. Anyway, the sound of the trumpet to me is too tinny, not enough depth. You might want to try doubling it with a lower pitched patch.

 

Catcy musical phrase btw.

[TaoManna Don]

 

Originally posted by marcellis I think this is a pretty good set of lyrics.   I saw Chaplin on the subway, The little tramp was out last night; I saw him tip his hat and twirl his cane Then he ambled out of sight;   I saw E.B. White at a traffic light, Getting out from a Yellow Cab, He had dined with Dorothy Parker And she picked up the tab;   I saw Rene

[Etienne Rambert]

Taomanna Don:

but it sounds like you are finished with the lyric, so I won't offer any suggestions.

 

No. Please make some suggestions.

I'm always open to improve.

----

I lived in Lower Manhattan for about 18 months. I'd fly back & forth from New Orleans. I'd work late in an office in Flushing and take the 7 train & the N or W trains back to Chinatown where I was staying. I lived next door to the big Gold Buddah on Centre Street.

 

Anyway, one night I got on a nearly abandoned N train at Queensborough Plaza, and there was Charlie Chaplin...or there was an actor dressed like Chaplin in a dark suit and heavy white make-up. He had the derby, the cane, and the oversize scuffed brown shoes.

 

One thing stuck out. This Chaplin was extremely sad about something. He slumped in the subway seat and looked utterly despondent. I sat down a few seats away in the nearly empty car and observed him. He got off at 42nd Street. Apparently, he was going to a late performance or a cast party or something. I don't know.

 

I got off at Canal Street and told myself. "If I don't write a song about this, I am a worthless sack of sh*t."

 

I started writing. I got stuck at EB White. I asked a superb writer, Marcy Jarvis, to help me out. I'd written the first two lines. But I was stuck after he gets out of the cab.

 

Marcy reeled it right off.

 

"He had dined with Dorothy Parker,

and she picked up the tab."

 

I knew I was on to something special when I heard that couplet. That's why I gave Marcy credit as co-writer. She only wrote a couplet. But that couplet is the whole song. After I heard it, I wrote the other verses & bridge the same night.

 

I'm changing some things.

 

"And the golden Buddah of Chinatown,

In the eyes of a Fukianese girl;

She had crossed a world to be here,

And now New York is her world.

[TaoManna Don]

 

Originally posted by marcellis Taomanna Don: but it sounds like you are finished with the lyric, so I won't offer any suggestions. No. Please make some suggestions. I'm always open to improve.

 

 

Thank you for letting me suggest a few things. I will look at it a couple of times over the next day or so. Then I will post your lyric with the changes I want to suggest - maybe as early as tomorrow evening. Most of the changes will be small. Each change will be for a good reason; but I won't offer the reason for any of the changes. It is your song; my reasons don't count if they don't fit what you want to do with the piece. If my suggestions work for your song, they won't need any justification or explanation - it will be obvious to you.

 

No matter what you decide to do with my suggestions, you already have a great song. If you offer it to the music industry, the absence of a strong lyrical hook may close some doors for you. Don't ever change the song to accommodate that thinking. This lyric is strong enough with your great title being mentioned just twice, especially since it shows up in the first and last verses.

 

I'll post here again soon.

Don

[TaoManna Don]

Here is your song with my suggested changes. Use or discard the changes as you like. As I said before, I made each change for what seemed like a good reason to me; but if the reason is not obvious to you, then you shouldn't consider using it.

 

I spent three or four hours with it; but it didn't feel like work. It was great to hear your wonderful lyric in my head for all that time. It will probably be in my head quite a bit longer now.

 

I suggest you read it aloud a few times before you start thinking about what was changed. Even if you keep these changes, you might want to let it "cook" for a few days and come back to it. This song is so great that it deserves whatever time and effort you are willing to give it.

 

Keep writing,

Don

 

 

(NYC Song #5)

[Etienne Rambert]

I like what you did with Magritte & part of what you did with Jesus.

 

I'd already fixed Jesus to read as follows:

 

"I saw Jesus preaching in Union Square

To some NYU students there

He had clean white robes

and pierced earlobes

And he asked us for our prayers.

 

I like your "led us all in prayer".

I might incorporate that.

I'll let you know.

 

The Magritte fix you made is pretty nice.

I like the dark instead of 'fog'.

 

"I saw Rene' Magritte on 42nd Street,

And his dog begin to bark,

I heard him say, "Come Lou Lou,"

As they stepped out of the dark;

 

I'll try those out with the music.

 

The other changes either don't fit the

melody line or else I'm sold on the original

verse.

 

Thanks for that.

I'll let you know what I use.

[underground]

Those are some great lyrics. I don't really have much to say other than that.

 

I have a question and a comment, though.

 

What is with the romanticization of New York City? I don't mean this in an insulting way, because I completely agree that it has some sort of mystique that holds the attention.

 

And about the bridge, you have the lines:

 

Desires grow where two rivers flow (which is just a fabulous line, btw, but then you suggest two lines)

And your poems won

[Etienne Rambert]

underground:

 

...What is with the romanticization of New York City? I don't mean this in an insulting way, because I completely agree that it has some sort of mystique that holds the attention....

 

Manhattan is a romantic place. I wouldn't give 2 cents for the rest of it, the boroughs, the Jersey Shore, you can keep 'em.

But to my eyes, Manhattan was a dream.

 

I was very lucky. I got to live in Lower Manhattan for a year and a half, at an age when I could really appreciate it. If I'd lived there in my 20's, I would have spent all my energy on parties & girls. I wouldn't have even noticed the city. But in middle-age, it was enough just to walk around on the street and observe. It was the best entertainment in the world - and it was all free.

 

underground:

 

And about the bridge, you have the lines:

 

Desires grow where two rivers flow

(which is just a fabulous line, btw, but then you suggest two lines)

And your poems won