a new song of mine, "Down Your Spine"

[pumpkins33]

mostly lyrically based, but I like it. let me know what you think: http://www.myspace.com/erikpieler

[pumpkins33]

here are the lyrics, by the way:

 

when your head is a telephone cough

gravity isn't enough

to keep you from falling off of your bed

 

when the autumnn devours your lungs

caught in a tangle of tongues

we all keep naivety moving

 

when sincerity's lost its allure

the ones you were fighting for

will succumb to the numbing of all that's human nature

 

when your fingers are lost like a tree

it's easy to pretend not to see

anything someone else hasn't showed you

 

when you make your way home

with a company loan

it's easy to just moan and make your payments

 

when you look through the eyes of a face

it's easy to rest in your place

and pretend you aren't living a waste

pretend you are living

 

when you stare through two holes in a head

and politely consume what you're fed

it's inevitable to be lead

to a living room

 

what will they say when you die?

where will you stay when you die?

when your body is naked and dry, where will your place be?

 

if you think that the world is concrete

as you sullenly stare at your feet

and look at your watch, just waiting for replacement

 

who do you think will care that your gone?

when grievance has passed you on?

when the soil that carries your coffin has sunk a few feet deeper?

[Chicken Monkey]

Your link is to "myspce" and not "myspace". And yes, I'm that lazy.

[pumpkins33]

woops, sorry, I just fixed it

[rsadasiv]

The whole thing is pretty primitive, but not primitive enough to work. Live solo acoustic guitar and vocals direct into a mic is fine - there are limitations in this style, but if you have accepted these limitations and have written and performed a song which works (and hopefully thrives) inside these limitations that can be a very powerful thing. Studio recording and overdubs are fine too, but you can't expect a song performed in this style to be judged by the criteria of another style. Maybe that is the long way of saying that adding an electric guitar overdub to an acoustic guitar song just begs the question - why not overdub a different instrument, preferably DRUMS?

 

There is other stuff that didn't work for me either. If it is "mostly lyrically based", why does the song continue for 3+ minutes after the lyrics end?

 

The lyrics you posted here are not bad. They scan and rhyme; the imagery is not entirely second-hand or fake. But as I wrote in another posting, lyrics which work on the page are no guarantee of a good song.

[pumpkins33]

yeah, I have actually worked with a few different melodies for this song, but so far I found it to work the best. and the 3 minutes of guitar at the end was mostly improvisational. I guess I have a tendency to naturally want to add a bit of bombast at the end of some songs. and yeah, I just recently got my grandfather's old drumset, so I've been meaning to start adding percussion to my songs (though I've added other means of percussion in some songs) but so far I haven't been able to get them to sound right, but I'll keep experimenting with it and I'll probably end up adding some to one of my songs soon.

[Geno_xl]

It's not really my style of music but it definitely sounds like your influences that you have listed. The vocals sounded pretty good though from what I could hear (I'm at work and the volume is rather low).

 

By the way if your interested in a cheap but nice 12 string guitar you might want to check out Fender. I picked a nice accoustic/electric 12 string a few years back for about $350 and I think the price has gone down since then.

[Chicken Monkey]

First off, I'd edit off the cough or whatever that is at the start of the track. I don't know if that was intentional or not, but I don't need to hear that. You can keep that to yourself.

 

I like the sound of the track, with the guitars and vocals, and it seems to fit well together. Too often, people know how to play rhythm guitar and know how to play lead guitar, but don't know how play two guitars off of eachother, and I think you've done that well here. The histrionic vocals sound a bit like David Bowie, and that is a good thing.

 

I don't think this one is ready for prime time, though. Drums would be good, as would an obviously repeating melodic passage. You can only pull of the logorhea thing with a good chorus/hook. For a masterclass in the subject, check out It's Allright, Ma (I'm Only Bleeding) by Dylan. As it is, it's very difficult to listen all the way through this.

 

Also, as much as I like the first couple lines, you've got to come up with a better rhyme than cough/enough. Just because they end in the same letters don't make them rhyme.

[pumpkins33]

yeah I actually think the fact that I get caught up in long lyrics without any obvious chorus is because of how much Bob Dylan influence I've got in me. 25+ albums worth, heh. but yeah, I suppose I should've edited the cough, but when listening to it I felt like it started too quickly without the false start.

 

and yeah, the cough/enough thing is obviously not a "real" rhyme but the way I had it being sung in my mind when I wrote it it rhymed well, and the line fit quite well with what I was trying to say.

 

once again, thanks for your comments, and I'm certainly complimented you hear Bowie in my voice