Members baron85 Posted February 24, 2007 Members Share Posted February 24, 2007 I realize this is probably the weakest song that I've recorded, which is exactly why I put it up on here. I thought maybe you guys could give me some advice on where to take it. It's just kind of "there" right now, and I like the melody and everything, I just don't know if it goes anywhere, if that makes any sense. It seems unfinished, I guess is what I'm trying to say. And while all my songs are unfinished in varying degrees, this one simply needs some work. And I'm stuck. So, fire away. http://www.soundclick.com/bands/songInfo.cfm?bandID=649037&songID=5006103 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Floophead3 Posted February 24, 2007 Members Share Posted February 24, 2007 well, to me it sounds like you're putting these lyrics into the wrong genre. I can definetely feel a good standard rock tune emerging from the lyrics and vocal you have now. I do not think the acoustic guitar track at all fits correctly, but I don't know if you have the equipment to go the direction I would like to see this go in. If you really want to keep it as an acoustic, change the chord structure. I don't think what you have now works harmonically. By themselves the vocal and the guitar parts are great, but together isn't doing it for me. I especially feel that the chorus should start off with a nice minor chord, a lot of bass power in there. The chorus being (I think) the part that starts "I don't ask.." Anyways, my biggest concern was that the lyrics and the feel of the vocal is too strong and emotional to be set to a such a chill guitar progression. I liked the vocal part, so change the guitar to fit the vocals, not the other way around. Good luck with this man. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members baron85 Posted February 26, 2007 Author Members Share Posted February 26, 2007 I don't think the acoustic guitar works very well with it, either. I was thinking of starting it off simply acoustic, and when the drums kick in, switch to electric. Do you have any idea of what the electric guitar part should sound like, i.e. a riff, a chord, etc.? I'm thinking it's the second guitar part that throws off the song right now. *Oh, and the chorus does start out on a minor chord - A minor. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Chicken Monkey Posted February 26, 2007 Members Share Posted February 26, 2007 The lyric seems too wordy for the melody. Since the melody is kind of smooth/melismatic and rhythmically simply (a lot of 8th notes), all of the words blend together. As an alternative, the lyric would be less cluttered if you used more of an AABB rhyme scheme. With all the words you've got, you'd do well to impose a more rigid pattern, so the listener is a little more comfortable, and more able to take in the rapid-fire lyrics. You've got the solo in the right place--I was ready for something new there--but I'm not sure it fits the bill. Maybe a bridge? It seems kind of aimless/wanky. Great title/idea, though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members baron85 Posted February 26, 2007 Author Members Share Posted February 26, 2007 Yeah, I've got a vague idea for a long jam at the end, one of those that starts one way and evolves over the course of the solo to end as something completely different - right now, I don't know what I want to do with it, though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members eeglug Posted February 27, 2007 Members Share Posted February 27, 2007 I'm fine with what you have here. I don't see any pressing need to change anything other than a smoother performance/better recording. I can easily hear it electric full band. Maybe listen to mid 70s Neil Young for some ideas of how it might be done... There are a lot of 'lonely' songs out there. That doesn't mean you shouldn't do one, but I like that you keep rough edges in it as I feel it makes you stand out more. I like, for example, that you drop the rhyme scheme at one point. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bluesway Posted February 27, 2007 Members Share Posted February 27, 2007 huh.....i'm actually really into it. i think everything fits nicely...and as far as lyrics being better with electric/acoustic....huh? the lyrical approach deals more with dynamics, but not as much instrumentation.....not for me, anyway anyway, i dug it. ...that guitar solo...well, i hate guitar solos unless they REALLY say something and this one doesn't at all....i stopped paying attention. i'd bag it...but that's just me. take it easy. ps- i added you as a friend in SC. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members baron85 Posted February 28, 2007 Author Members Share Posted February 28, 2007 ps- i added you as a friend in SC. I think you're my first friend on Soundclick. And I feel the same way about guitar solos. In my opinion, the best ones are the ones you can sing along to (i.e. Mike Campbell, Gary Rossington, Thin Lizzy, etc.). But I also like the ones that go somewhere, like Can't You Hear Me Knockin'. That's what I'm going for, but it's very embryonic right now. Oh, and I agree with the other guy, if I could ever get some drums, this would probably be electric, for the most part. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members les_rokr Posted March 1, 2007 Members Share Posted March 1, 2007 I dig the smooth guitar and the strong lyrics, but it sounds like you recorded both instrumentally and vocally at the same time. Do em seperatly, so you can focus on them just a lil more while recording. That goes for the vocals, mostly.There was a bit of a slur of some sort on the 2nd line of the 2nd stanza. If you plan on turning this song electric, i think it would sound great if the bass, drums, and electric guitar came in on the 3rd stanza. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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