should i burn these lyrics and neve mention them again?

[Stoneball Jack]

Here are the lyrics to a song i wrote. I can't record it because it would sound like crap without a full band which i don't have. The the verses and the chorus both sing right i just haven't figured out a melody that fits with the bridge i have (it's very hard to play this bridge and figure out a melody at the same time). I would ask people i know what they think of it but i'm not sure if i'd be able to show my face to them again. So let me know if this is ok or if it is completely laughable. thanks

 

there once was a puppet that was alive, he could

run and talk and do most everything anyone could

but soon he realized that he was all fake and dreamed that

one day he might be a real boy, real boy

 

Chorus

It's about time, for me to be a real boy

I don't want to be fake anymore

I wanna live really live, that's it i quit the

Show, I'm not playing the game anymore

 

Buzz shoot lasers and Aladdin's got a genie the pan can

fly and Shrek's the strongest of them all, but if i had a choice I'd

be like Pinocchio and be a real boy, real boy

 

(chorus)

 

bridge

who's that there

behind that mask

will you let him out

cut the strings let the puppet go

show yourself to the world

you yes you, listening to this songs

you don't even know that

you're the one behind the mask(take it off)

[Airsean]

actually quite good lyrics. Good imagination. Keep em around, work with them. Eventually something will come.

[blue2blue]

I certainly don't think it's "completely laughable" -- I think there's a lot of craft and thought and it sounds like the words might flow together in an interesting, ear-tickling way.

 

If I have a concern, I guess, it's just that it falls pretty close to the Pinocchio tree. [No puns intended.]

 

We do have the updating verse (although I'm not really sure how much that verse advances the song) but by and large, what we have are more or less the presumed thoughts of Pinocchio early in the game. Nothing wrong with that, per se, but I'm thinking (presumptuously, perhaps) that what you intended was to use that fairy tale as a jumping off place...

 

 

Anyhow, I can tell you've really got something that's talking to you, here... I'm wondering if you can't get it to talk to us a little bit more... communicate some of the depth of yearning and the longing to be somehow genuine that I suspect it symbolizes for you.

 

I think you've got something here that might just take a little more drawing out before it's communicating to us what it means to you.

 

[Eclepto Funk]

for God's sake, don't get rid of those lyrics

 

very interesting stuff ... keep working on them

[Jesse G]

I like it alot.

 

What I get from it is that the person in the song is tired of living a lie, or being so caught up in other's perceptions of him/her. Or maybe he/she is into drugs and partying too much, and is realizing that the party needs to be over and it's time to get a grip on life.

 

But think about it. Your writing about someone realizing whats wrong with their life, and wanting to change it; while executing it in a catchy and stylish way. Good subject matter and interesting execution. Your obviously well on the right track, very much so.

[Stoneball Jack]

Thanks a lot guys, i was really worried i had stumbled down a bad road with this song.

 

b2b---thanks, i'm not quite sure what you mean by a "pinnochio tree" if you could explain that. also i wrote a new verse that is at the end of this post that should help the second verse advance the song and hopefully help the listener feel it more(maybe)

 

Shredda king--thanks, the song is kind of about people being "fake" if you know what i mean. It's kind of a pet peave of mine when i know someone is acting a certain way just to make other people like them and not make anyone mad. But i really want to song to mean whatever the listener needs it to mean at the time that they are listening to it.

 

 

Here is a third verse that i wrote which will hopefully make it better

 

Everyone wants to be stronger, faster "better" than who they are

Everyone puts on a show for the world to see

In your "secret place" is where you shine, behind protective walls

Let you light out, be true to yourself, be real

 

hope you like it