Members Fine_Young_Fool Posted August 22, 2007 Members Share Posted August 22, 2007 These are the first songs that I have written. I want you guys to help me and make them singable, help me arrange them, come up with intros, whatever. These are just ideas, nothing is set in stone, I think you know what the really good/important parts are. I can take criticism, just don't be brutal. Song One Well yes Iam fired upand I am ready to goYes I am here and I am realand I want you to know knowThat I am fired up. I am ready to goand I want you to knowthat all you people are moving way too slow'Cause I am fired up All you people are draggin' me downSad boring people all aroundYou guys are leaving me with a frown But I aaaaaaam... fired up They say what are you doingI say I don't knowI said i'll turn it upthey say play it low Oh no no no Song Two I am living in my own worldCan't you people seethe dazed expression in my eyesI'm where I want to be Master of the world!Master of the world!Master of the world! From time to time I venture therewhen this world seems too realFloating mindless in my worldwhere I don't have to feel Master of the world!Master of the world!Master of the world! When you scorn me and my waysI can go and find a placeJust to sit back and erasethe memory of your awful face But where do you have to resideon this world you cannot hideIn no one else can you confidefor fear of mental homicide When the slings and arrows are hurledTheir flags of hatred all unfurledI strike back with my fist curledI am the master of the world! Song three Sitting on a grassy hillunder a firmament of scarlet blueI feel a tingling down my spinethe wind changes directions anew Strolling down the moonlit pathWitches fingers o'erheadI hear a voice inside the woodsomething triggered in my head In the old and eeire churchI hear a familliar soundall alone am I tonightwith the darkness all around By the pricking of my thumbssomething wicked this way comes In the first song, I was going for a punkish feel.In the other two I was thinking Sabbath proto-metaly. Or maybe not. I just am lame. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members blue2blue Posted August 22, 2007 Members Share Posted August 22, 2007 They seem pretty well developed for first songs. The first certainly cries out to be some kind of rocker, that much is clear. As long as it has energy and you repeat the chorus/refrain enough you should be good. The second gers pretty rhymey in there (four rhymes in a row over with those short lines might make it feel pretty rhyme-bound). A lot would depend on delivery, of course, whether it sounds cool or not. I'm not sure about firmament as a choice. But I realize some goth/metallers like to get pretty purple with their lyrics. Maybe the stilted, dated feel is what you're going for. It seems more of a set of hints than a full song but that may be ok. Anyway, pretty good for early efforts. It'd be interesting to hear these with music. Keep writing! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Fine_Young_Fool Posted August 22, 2007 Author Members Share Posted August 22, 2007 Thanx, that is very helpful. I was kind of looking for help to keep the second one from becoming a rap or something. I know you aren't supposed to make lyrics like poetry, so that you can actually sing them, and I need some help with that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members blue2blue Posted August 23, 2007 Members Share Posted August 23, 2007 Try some different rhyme schemes... maybe longer lines (or only rhyme every other line). And, rather than having four lines with the same rhyme -- A/A/A/A, if you will -- try alternating, A/B/A/B.... Or like I was saying you can go A / B / C / B (where only the "B" lines rhyme)... Really, there are no rules, per se (not the way I do it, anyhow ). BTW, I think you've identified one thing that's a frequent issue for new songwriters today... Rap, of course, is crazy with rhymes, rhymes that make sense, barely make sense, or are sometimes there just because they rhyme. And they fly at you so fast, that's often ok. But in a song (or a rhyming poem fo rthat matter) if the rhymes are too tightly spaced or if it feels like the only reason a phrase is there is so that it will rhyme -- it's going to "stick in the ear" -- but not in a good way. (Obviously, there are songs that defy that... like I said, no hard, fast rules.) And, of course, the rhythm and meter of the words is important for making them work as music. Now, you can insert pauses (rests, in music terminology) in your vocal delivery or go double time with syllables, or syncopate, or even stick two syllables in a word that really only has one (as some singers do)... but the rhythm of your delivery will be important. While you can play tricks with that delivery -- it'll be much easier to learn and sing the song if the words have a good meter on the page. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Fine_Young_Fool Posted August 23, 2007 Author Members Share Posted August 23, 2007 "Or like I was saying you can go A / B / C / B (where only the "B" lines rhyme)... " I did that a few times in one of the songs. What I really need is some help finishing these things, lyrically anyway. I am pretty sure that I can write a guitar part. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Fine_Young_Fool Posted August 24, 2007 Author Members Share Posted August 24, 2007 CMon more help! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members DaSpider Posted August 24, 2007 Members Share Posted August 24, 2007 Do you have any music for this, or are you looking for someone to collaborate with you? Or are you just asking for lyrical critiques? b2b gave you some good advice... Neall Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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