better place

[myredshoes]

I don't cry no more

like golden grass I just dried up

so slowly I can not say when

we never learned to bend

snap off three way down the stem

for the vase upon your table

I wish I might change for you

could remember stable

life just flies apart

thrown howling to some wild space

I want to see you

in a better place

 

every day a fight

only to sleep alone at night

to wake up freezing in my sweat

get up and change again

I don't look for you no more

I learned hard like I always do

know that I still call for you

from somewhere in my dream

die to see your smile

like springtime spread across your face

I want to see you

in a better place

 

out here where the fence

turns into tattered rust and mud

the wind is hard and fast enough

to blow away my blood

where I learned to take the deer

from a dead run to the table

I would break this fast from you

love if I were able

take my hands once more

I'll bow my head and I'll say grace

I want to see you

in a better place

[King_For_A_Day]

Well, I like it, red.

 

Some of your images really got me:

 

"life just flies apart

thrown howling to some wild space"

 

"die to see your smile

like springtime spread across your face"

 

Not sure I like "tattered rust"

 

Kind of an irregular rhyme scheme though:

lines 6 & 8 rhyme consistently, as do 10 & 12, but 3 & 4 are a near-rhyme in verse 1 and nowhere else; 2 & 4 rhyme in verse 3 but nowhere else. That's cool if that's how you want it, but it's not standard.

 

I think a rewrite (or another rewrite) would really tighten it up, Nice work, IMO.

[blue2blue]

Perhaps its the mix of metaphor in the last verse but the refrain lines of the verses started taking on a real ominous ring by the end. When I think of "better place" I usually think of he/she's gone on to a better place...

 

And I know you're a careful writer, maybe that's entirely what you mean and the third verse comingles the hunt and killing, the family table, and the breaking of fasting (from food/from love)...

 

Interesting lyric, for sure.

[myredshoes]

Thank you both very much.

On the fence thing, I was describing a field fence in disrepair, out here they used these strung steel fences with ~6" X8" rectangles, but eventually they all ended up just sort of twisted and mangled and rusted and running into the ground at the back end of the fields. That's what I was looking at.

As regards the "better place", well, I rolled with two meanings. I wrote this to someone I would like to actually see in a better place, but realistically I probably will not see this person again at all in this world. Broken relationship. So I do have that ominous, end-of-the-world thing going on too. Very depressed mindset sometimes. I realize that this is natural and temporary.

 

I am fond of this piece, so I appreciate the comments regarding rhyme pattern.

 

I was going through recent songs yesterday to organize my recording schedule and was sort of surprised to find how many of them I simply am not interested in recording. I lost about ten or so songs as soon as I tried to schedule them. In many cases this is because they were all written from that same emo/drama headspace; they were simply identical insofar as emotional content is concerned.

 

That would be a very boring listening experience.

[myredshoes]

It's funny, in the middle of the last post I was interrupted for a discussion of the recording and was told my so-called schedule doesn't boinking matter because they can shuffle everything around once it's digitized, add reverb, this that :blah: etc. They also said :blah: I have no idea, my mind just goes blank.

 

I don't know what's wrong with me; if it has more than four knobs though I'm basically {censored}ed.