Members Marko Posted August 11, 2008 Members Share Posted August 11, 2008 This song I wrote myself for myself, just acoustic and my voice. My voice is thin, but I sing well and with a lot of feeling. It Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members clambottomjewel Posted August 11, 2008 Members Share Posted August 11, 2008 Good lyrics, but do you like propose to a dog or what's going on? I would like to hear this song. Record it. Then don't be paranoid about putting it up, cuz we don't even know like who the {censored} you are... and no one you know is going to find this thread... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Marko Posted August 11, 2008 Author Members Share Posted August 11, 2008 Good lyrics, but do you like propose to a dog or what's going on? I would like to hear this song. Record it. Then don't be paranoid about putting it up, cuz we don't even know like who the {censored} you are... and no one you know is going to find this thread... Naw Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sentry68 Posted August 12, 2008 Members Share Posted August 12, 2008 To me, this opens up a very big aspect of music- emotions.... *edit* OK, I just wrote wayyy too much about that and decided to delete it and just get back to your song. Maybe I'll post my essay as a separate post for discussion later, HA! I got the 3 vignettes on the first read. First verse works pretty well for me. 'Licked my face in the morning light' is probably the weakest line to me. 'Bestest friend' works well and conveys the childhood aspect. Second verse is the hardest hitting, it could be very emotional. First line feels a little awkward. Second half of this verse could maybe use a little rewriting for clarity. The story works but I felt a little confused with the mom in there when I thought he was with the girl already or something. Keep the last line, it's good. Third verse is pretty tight, but I want to know who is talking about who. I see an old man talking to his wife. Maybe a hint of problems in the past, I'm curious there. I really like the 'unconditional' line for meaning, but it feels strained. I'd like to hear it in the song. Of course the chorus is going to be the glue, and I'm very aware myself of crapping on a song with a sappy chorus that doesn't work. I think it will be the most important aspect of the song (no pressure or anything ). I'm looking forward to it. I realized that to endear the listener to the song enough to justify a Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Marko Posted August 12, 2008 Author Members Share Posted August 12, 2008 To me, this opens up a very big aspect of music- emotions....*edit* OK, I just wrote wayyy too much about that and decided to delete it and just get back to your song. Maybe I'll post my essay as a separate post for discussion later, HA! I kinda wish I Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members pop tarts Posted August 12, 2008 Members Share Posted August 12, 2008 sounds too much like the hokey {censored} you hear on the country stations. meant to pull at your heartstrings, but just leaving you jaded. puppy+o henry+old people+death =latest nashville (s)hit. no thanks.then again, being cynical doesn't mean i'm not realistic. a catchy chorus and you could probably sell it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members IanAlderman Posted August 13, 2008 Members Share Posted August 13, 2008 It's hard to critique when there's no music, but I have absolutely NO ROOM to talk, since I don't have music to accompany my posts. I like that though, since it engages you as a reader to think what kind of song it is. Me personally, I like the really emotive feel of the song and the fact that it talks about 3 different stages in life. That is really cool and some people might be confused when they first read the lyrics or hear the song. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members IanAlderman Posted August 13, 2008 Members Share Posted August 13, 2008 Hey, it's cool- since I don't have the equipment to record, I just post lyrics, so it's all good- no need to hide in shame:thu: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Agreed Posted August 13, 2008 Members Share Posted August 13, 2008 I don't like the fact that you resort to using some of the most obvious, cliche rhymes ever. Rain/Pain? Night/Light? Friend/End? That isn't even trying. Those rhymes were old before your grandparents' grandparents' great-great-great-great grandparents were born. I agree with another poster who commented that it's hokey. It's also painfully obvious, and though emotionally meaningful to you (and if we are going with the lowest common denominator, perhaps to a lot of Americans, judging by pop-country fare...), I can't get past the hackneyed, ham-fisted lyricism to be moved by the stories within. Sorry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Marko Posted August 13, 2008 Author Members Share Posted August 13, 2008 I don't like the fact that you resort to using some of the most obvious, cliche rhymes ever. Rain/Pain? Night/Light? Friend/End? That isn't even trying. Those rhymes were old before your grandparents' grandparents' great-great-great-great grandparents were born.I agree with another poster who commented that it's hokey. It's also painfully obvious, and though emotionally meaningful to you (and if we are going with the lowest common denominator, perhaps to a lot of Americans, judging by pop-country fare...), I can't get past the hackneyed, ham-fisted lyricism to be moved by the stories within.Sorry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sentry68 Posted August 13, 2008 Members Share Posted August 13, 2008 I got what you say about the second verse, and def. no need to be descriptive- the third person implication is stronger... I just wasn't expecting him to find out from her mother since I thought he'd be there for some reason. Shades of 'Last Kiss' I guess HA! And keep posting. This is the songwriting forum. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Marko Posted August 13, 2008 Author Members Share Posted August 13, 2008 I got what you say about the second verse, and def. no need to be descriptive- the third person implication is stronger... I just wasn't expecting him to find out from her mother since I thought he'd be there for some reason. Shades of 'Last Kiss' I guess HA!And keep posting. This is the songwriting forum. Naw, he didn Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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