Lyrics for critique, feedback please

[Boydog]

I'm not sure where I'm trying to take this, maybe some of you can help find a direction.

 

She Weeps on the Shoulders of a Stranger "

 

verse 1

Wondering why the road has led me here

inside these walls where silence mourned and wept

some listen to the silence

unanswered questions heard

where rumors upon rumors rely upon the word

verse 2

In a world full of illusion all I'd sought or hoped or known

yearning for a new tomorrow

with those who still believe

while much to late the threefold truth

came screaming at the door

as anger fades to ashes forsaken on the floor

 

chorus

And she weeps on the shoulders of a stranger

where darkness else might be

in a time of fear and confusion

the battle rages on

deep inside the dragon's lair

no place to run or hide

fleeting like the wings of angels

but no one heard the call

verse 3

Sleep comes not to the dreamer

as the cynics rise and fall

to much of everything has come and gone

while we're staring at the sun

and I can't lose what I can't win

avenging years of loss

so don't say to much

before the time has come

 

repeat chorus

end

[rsadasiv]

I think there is some good stuff in here, but it is dragged down by a lot of cliches and sloppy writing. I would cut everything except:

 

Wondering why the road has led me here

Listening to the silence

Weeping on the shoulders of a stranger

Where darkness else might lie

Sleep comes slowly to the dreamer

Before his time has come

[Boydog]

I think there is some good stuff in here, but it is dragged down by a lot of cliches and sloppy writing. I would cut everything except: Wondering why the road has led me here Listening to the silence Weeping on the shoulders of a stranger Where darkness else might lie Sleep comes slowly to the dreamer Before his time has come

 

 

 

Sloppy huh.

Exactly why I posted in the other thread ,,, Think I'll just give it up , don't need the frustration :blah:

[rsadasiv]

Up to you.

[Eclepto Funk]

the lyrics are very general ... not as precise or interesting as they might be

 

you need more interesting phrases in there

 

Rsadasiv about summed them up

 

on the positive side, there is a lot going on in the lyrics, and you retain some mysteries which can capture the listener without giving too much away ... these lyrics are definitely several steps above

a beginner's efforts ... you certainly have talent going for you

 

i would think of this as a first draft and start cutting out cliches and inserting more interesting imagery

[Boydog]

yep, you're both right, Like I said at the beginning, I really had no direction and for that reason posted here, hoping to find either a direction or inspiration, wasn't counting on motivation but got it anyway,