Just Wait (working title)

[Doggers]

It's Over Now (The Time Is Now)

I Know it... is too late between you and me

To make it right,another fight between you and me

We always crash (We always clash)

I don't know why we do the things we do

It's time to give it up, and say goodbye

 

Although we say goodbye

The Love for you was real

Before I go

Let's make the times you will remember

 

Just wait, sunshine will rise again

Tomorrow is a brand new day, that will wait for you

The world will always change, tommorow can wait

Let's make this night that you'll remember

I hold you tight, to stop the day from ending

The love that's lost can be found

Tomorrow is a brand new day.

 

Tonight we are here,

Where we belong

We could of loved,

It seemed so right, it seemed so wrong

Tomorrow will bring the best of us,

To brand new world

Another day gone behind us

 

Just wait, sunshine will rise again

Tomorrow is a brand new day, that will wait for you

The world will always change, tommorow can wait

Let's make this night that you'll remember

I hold you tight, to stop the day from ending

The love that's lost can be found

Tomorrow is a brand new day.

 

Any ideas to improve this track, i have no idea where i am gonna with it style wise but overall lyric content...suggestions? comments? edits?

~So you know this song has a creative copyright on it to Fallen Sputnik (DVB). thanks a lot for all future help

[Doggers]

[Doggers]

help please?

[blue2blue]

Hi Doggers!

 

I'm not sure I've seen you around the SW forum before. Welcome -- or welcome back!

 

 

Things can get pretty busy in here and it takes a fair amount of time and effort to give proper feedback on a song, at least if one wants to rise above the "Dude, that rocks!" level of constructive crit.

 

And, because of that, folks tend to have to treat their critique/feedback time in a sort of triage manner. With only so much time on one's hands, it's often a matter of making choices. And if the choice is between someone who is a frequent contributor to the forum and who maybe just got done giving you an in-depth critique of one of your own songs, well... you'll probably go with the guy you know, the guy you owe. As it were.

 

So, you know, that's why, sometimes, it can take a while to get feedback, if one does. But hang out, get to know folks by helping them with their songs, and they'll do right by you, in the long run.

 

 

Anyhow, on to your song...

 

The first verse -- though simple and declarative -- probably works best for me. It's straightforward, sounds genuine, to the point. All the parts fit.

 

The chorus, on the other hand, seems to get into trouble with some overly worn phrases, a string of them. (Also, minor, peripheral note: sunshine doesn't rise. The sun rises. I mean, I guess you could say sunshine rises from the horizon at sunrise -- or sunset, for that matter -- but you now what I mean.)

 

I would suggest to you to really think about what you're trying to say in the chorus and then find a way to say it that doesn't rely on phrases that have become so overused. One can get away with the occasional well worn phrase when one is really saying something, but here, it looks more like a string of familiar bits that got strung together in lieu of a more personal, unique, descriptive way of saying what you want to say, what's in your heart -- or rather the heart of the song.

 

Now, the second verse sounds to me like you want to describe an important scene in the story of these two people, some kind of turning point. But you need to make it more vivid and bring just what the dilemma is into sharper focus.

 

 

I feel like you've got a real song here but it needs to be tinkered a fair amount before it can find itself.

 

You've got a good start, keep at it!

 

[Doggers]

thanks a lot blue. and thanks a lot for the comments contributed and I understand the system of posting you are talking about, yeah I am kinda new to the sw aspect so kinda a new kid on the block here haha. but I will keep working away on this song and maybe one day it will turn out something decent haha.

Great thanks once again.

[blue2blue]

Glad to have you onboard!

 

You really don't have to be shy about participating. But if you want, check out the guidelines in the sticky thread at the top of the listings.

 

Basic thing is, just try to keep the critical comments constructive and helpful.

 

No one has to be an 'expert' to give feedback on songs. If you like something, just say what seems to work. But if something doesn't work, don't be afraid to point that out in a nice way, too. Just remember some of us (like me) are tough as old leather but others -- even seemingly really competent, confident, experienced writers and musicians -- can be, at times, on the sensitive side. So it helps to keep things friendly and positive when calling attention to stuff that doesn't work. A little extra sugar can help the bitter pill go down a little easier.

 

 

And, if one is, himself, feeling a little sensitive, there is nothing wrong at all with saying something like, "Go easy on me, fellas, I'm feeling fragile today."

 

But if someone does manage to say something that cuts a little -- try to be philosophical. They likely didn't mean it. (I, myself, am probably becoming well known for my mood shifts. There are just some days when I should probably be arguing politics somewhere else instead. But I don't always catch that until it's too late.) And if they did mean to be mean, well, to heck with them! Life is too short to waste time worrying about the opinion of those who need to make others feel bad in order to make themselves feel good.