Angel need some input

[Boydog]

Before I try and put this down to music I'm wondering if any changes needed

 

Angel

Well here she comes a walkin

A flower glowing in the dark

A misty morning dew drop

tearin my world apart

 

And the guns start their pounding

at the fortress 'round my heart

like so many times before

the archer found his mark

 

chorus

Won't someboby help me

I been down this road before

Somebody help me

I can't take it anymore

I'm down on my knees

Somebody help me please

 

 

Well you turned the world around

to watch it fall apart and fade

and the stars fell from the heavens

to melt this heart of clay

 

chorus

Won't someboby help me

I been down this road before

Somebody help me

I can't take it anymore

I'm down on my knees

Somebody help me please

 

 

If I strike her fancy

and can make her understand

maybe give it half a chance

then I could be her man

 

repeat chorus, 1st verse

end

[Sentry68]

I like it Boydog, it's good you're keeping at it. Lots of improvement.

 

There are a few cliche lines in here, but I don't mind when the context is interesting (like the mixed metaphor in the second verse).

 

lines in here I would suggest re-thinking:

 

Tearin' my world apart - cliche

This is no easy game to play - weak for the chorus/doesn't support the imagery

a magic potion simmers - too fanciful for my taste (but that's me.)

 

hope it helps, I'll be waiting to hear it.

[blue2blue]

Metaphorically, thematically, it's kinda all over the place. And you could just go with that. After all, the emotional state you're describing is a lot like that. One minute you're high on love the next you're crushed by the worry that that love will never be fulfilled... and you've managed to capture the emotional chaos in the first couple quatrains. The quatrain that begins "Through green grass and clover..." though doesn't seem to hold to that theme. (Although I was thinking the magic potion might also account for some of the kaleidoscopic nature of the first verse section. )

 

It took me a sec to get the paradoxical logic of the chorus. I'm not entirely sure it fits perfectly with what I perceive going on in the first section but it does have a nice internal logic of paradox kinda thang going on.

 

Can't wait to hear how it sounds!

[Boydog]

Metaphorically, thematically, it's kinda all over the place. And you could just go with that . After all, the emotional state you're describing is a lot like that. One minute you're high on love the next you're crushed by the worry that that love will never be fulfilled... and you've managed to capture the emotional chaos in the first couple quatrains. The quatrain that begins "Through green grass and clover..." though doesn't seem to hold to that theme. (Although I was thinking the magic potion might also account for some of the kaleidoscopic nature of the first verse section. ) It took me a sec to get the paradoxical logic of the chorus. I'm not entirely sure it fits perfectly with what I perceive going on in the first section but it does have a nice internal logic of paradox kinda thang going on. Can't wait to hear how it sounds !

 

 

yep I think the chorus needed a change too. so did a little rewrite to stay with the theme