Members Boydog Posted March 26, 2009 Members Share Posted March 26, 2009 Before I try and put this down to music I'm wondering if any changes needed AngelWell here she comes a walkinA flower glowing in the darkA misty morning dew droptearin my world apart And the guns start their poundingat the fortress 'round my heartlike so many times beforethe archer found his mark chorusWon't someboby help meI been down this road beforeSomebody help meI can't take it anymoreI'm down on my kneesSomebody help me please Well you turned the world aroundto watch it fall apart and fadeand the stars fell from the heavensto melt this heart of clay chorusWon't someboby help meI been down this road beforeSomebody help meI can't take it anymoreI'm down on my kneesSomebody help me please If I strike her fancyand can make her understandmaybe give it half a chancethen I could be her man repeat chorus, 1st verse end Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sentry68 Posted March 26, 2009 Members Share Posted March 26, 2009 I like it Boydog, it's good you're keeping at it. Lots of improvement. There are a few cliche lines in here, but I don't mind when the context is interesting (like the mixed metaphor in the second verse). lines in here I would suggest re-thinking: Tearin' my world apart - clicheThis is no easy game to play - weak for the chorus/doesn't support the imagerya magic potion simmers - too fanciful for my taste (but that's me.) hope it helps, I'll be waiting to hear it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members blue2blue Posted March 26, 2009 Members Share Posted March 26, 2009 Metaphorically, thematically, it's kinda all over the place. And you could just go with that. After all, the emotional state you're describing is a lot like that. One minute you're high on love the next you're crushed by the worry that that love will never be fulfilled... and you've managed to capture the emotional chaos in the first couple quatrains. The quatrain that begins "Through green grass and clover..." though doesn't seem to hold to that theme. (Although I was thinking the magic potion might also account for some of the kaleidoscopic nature of the first verse section. ) It took me a sec to get the paradoxical logic of the chorus. I'm not entirely sure it fits perfectly with what I perceive going on in the first section but it does have a nice internal logic of paradox kinda thang going on. Can't wait to hear how it sounds! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Boydog Posted March 27, 2009 Author Members Share Posted March 27, 2009 Metaphorically, thematically, it's kinda all over the place. And you could just go with that. After all, the emotional state you're describing is a lot like that. One minute you're high on love the next you're crushed by the worry that that love will never be fulfilled... and you've managed to capture the emotional chaos in the first couple quatrains. The quatrain that begins "Through green grass and clover..." though doesn't seem to hold to that theme. (Although I was thinking the magic potion might also account for some of the kaleidoscopic nature of the first verse section. ) It took me a sec to get the paradoxical logic of the chorus. I'm not entirely sure it fits perfectly with what I perceive going on in the first section but it does have a nice internal logic of paradox kinda thang going on. Can't wait to hear how it sounds ! yep I think the chorus needed a change too. so did a little rewrite to stay with the theme Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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