Members CHUK Posted April 9, 2009 Members Share Posted April 9, 2009 www.myspace.com/aniseedrobin Finished Underwater holding me underwater holding me underground when will seasons turn stuck in autumn underground your hand on the back of my head I shout for air but my words are muttered i'll drink this pond if I can if I can If I can here i'll drown warmwater from my eyes it's all fine when you expire does it kill the feeling when you see me as a lifeless toy? your hand on the back of my head I shout for air but my words are muttered i'll drink this pond if I can if I can If I can ....feedback, cooments, would be appreciated. Ready for another no reply thread Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sentry68 Posted April 10, 2009 Members Share Posted April 10, 2009 Some pitch and timing issues, vocal is oversaturated in reverb and too far back in the mix, even for the dreamy feel I think you're going for. I like how it marches along, the music really grew on me- I listened a couple times for that. I like the tambourine, it gives it a '70's vibe. I like the gist of your lyrics, but a couple lines seem like they could use some restructuring... the seasons metaphor is alright, but out of place. Second verse, second line: shouldn't this be "...When I expire"? Hope it helps, you've got a good start on it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members CHUK Posted April 10, 2009 Author Members Share Posted April 10, 2009 thanks, I am glad you enjoyed it. I will probably knock some reverb off, thanks for the suggestion Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Etienne Rambert Posted April 10, 2009 Members Share Posted April 10, 2009 "A writer should write with his eyes. And a painter should paint with his ears." Gertrude Stein. I think her quote applies to songwriters too. Compose with your eyes - not with your ears. Your composition is strange. Intriguing in parts. Too long for my taste. The title & the best parts to me recall for me, one of the greatest and scariest American movies ever made, "Night of the Hunter" (1955). Shelly Winters underwater, one of at least twenty-six wives murdered by the right Reverend Harry Powell. Robert Mitchum as Reverend Harry Powell, a serial-killer and preacher of the Gospel who has Love/Hate tattooed on his knuckles. One of the children the Reverend intends to murder, spies the Reverend stalking him on horseback in the twilight. You want to make your song really creepy, mix an old religious hymn into it, Night of the Hunter had "Leaning on the Everlasting Arms", playing throughout. Maybe quote one of one of Mitchum's sermons too. That will scare the s*it out of people. --- Two other sources: Stevie Smith's poem, "Not Waving but Drowning" And Adrienne Rich's poem, "Diving into the Wreck" "This is the place. And I am here, the mermaid whose dark hair streams black, the merman in his armored body. We circle silently about the wreck we dive into the hold. I am she: I am he" from the Reverend Harry Powell's sermons"Lord, I am tired. Sometimes I wonder if you really understand. Not that You mind the killin's. Yore Book is full of killin's. But there are things you do hate Lord: perfume-smellin' things, lacy things, things with curly hair. --- "The Lord blinded mine enemies when they brought me in this evil place...I come not with peace, but with a sword...This sword has served me through many an evil time." And the famous "right-hand/left hand sermon" "Would you like me to tell you the little story of Right Hand-Left Hand - the story of good and evil? (He rises and flexs the fingers of his left hand) H-A-T-E! It was with this left hand that old brother Cain struck the blow that laid his brother low. (He raises his right hand) L-O-V-E. You see these fingers, dear hearts? These fingers has veins that run straight to the soul of man. The right hand, friends! The hand of love! Now watch and I'll show you the story of life." (he clasps his hands together and the hand with "love" written on it begins to struggle with the hand with "hate" written on it.) "These fingers, dear hearts, is always a-warrin' and a-tuggin', one agin the other. Now, watch 'em. Ol' brother Left Hand. Left hand, he's a-fightin'. And it looks like LOVE's a goner. But wait a minute, wait a minute! Hot dog! LOVE's a winnin'? Yes, siree. It's LOVE that won, and ol' Left Hand HATE is down for the count!" ---- Harper: What religion do you profess, Preacher? Powell: The religion the Almighty and me worked out betwixt us. Harper: I'll bet. Powell: Salvation is a last minute business, boy..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members CHUK Posted April 10, 2009 Author Members Share Posted April 10, 2009 lol what a cool reply Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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