Members acousticDave Posted October 19, 2009 Members Share Posted October 19, 2009 Decided to write a bluegrass tune - lyrics below & feedback welcome! I'll post the audio once the melody is more coherent, but rhythm will be standard bluegrass 'boom-chuck-chuck.' Staring at the Moon: Verse 1 I'm walking down the avenue Staring at the moon Wondering where my baby went Any why I feel so blue Verse 2 We met one night so long ago A twinkle in your eye I thought that I might marry you And you would be my wife Verse 3 I guess we were not meant to be That's why we chose to part Letting you go was hard for me A crater in my heart Chorus I fall for you like gravity Drifting to our destiny Floating though a phase from light to dark You're far from me like the moon Maybe we just met too soon I think we knew that right from the start Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tbry Posted October 19, 2009 Members Share Posted October 19, 2009 Good...maybe one to many similies:)...not smilies...similies Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members easilyspooked Posted October 19, 2009 Members Share Posted October 19, 2009 "Letting you go was hard for meA crater in my heart" this is the only line i don't like, it pushes the meter and doesn't seem to fit in my head, but other than that i like these lyrics a lot. the chorus Dark / Start rhyme is awesome! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members blue2blue Posted October 19, 2009 Members Share Posted October 19, 2009 Decided to write a bluegrass tune - lyrics below & feedback welcome! I'll post the audio once the melody is more coherent, but rhythm will be standard bluegrass 'boom-chuck-chuck.' Staring at the Moon: Verse 1 I'm walking down the avenue Staring at the moon Wondering where my baby went Any why I feel so blue Verse 2 We met one night so long ago A twinkle in your eye I thought that I might marry you And you would be my wife Verse 3 I guess we were not meant to be That's why we chose to part Letting you go was hard for me A crater in my heart Chorus I fall for you like gravity Drifting to our destiny Floating though a phase from light to dark You're far from me like the moon Maybe we just met too soon I think we knew that right from the start Boom-chuck-chuck -- like a waltz? I can kind of see that looking at these lines. The point of address shift between the first verse and the rest of the song threw me for a sec (in the first verse he's talking about the inamorata but then he's talking to her for the rest of the song), but it's kind of like a preamble kind of thing. One thing -- you hang big parts of the song on an astral metaphor but it takes a while to get that going. The first (preambulatory) verse mentiones the moon, but then there's barely a mention of heavenly bodies, etc, for a couple of verses, where, all of a sudden, the astronomical metaphors start flying fast and furious. (I'm really not so sure about crater, though. I think it's too distracting an image.) Be sure to let us here the music! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Chicken Monkey Posted October 19, 2009 Members Share Posted October 19, 2009 Boom-chuck-chuck -- like a waltz? I can kind of see that looking at these lines. As opposed to boom-chick-a, or two-step. I totally agree with B2B--sprinkle those astral symbols throughout--they are a little scarce at the beginning, when I get to wondering how this song is different from every other 1000 broken-hearted bluegrass songs. I think you get around to having a unique idea, but you should hit us with it early on. And I didn't mind "crater"--it's a bit overblown, but I think it fits with the song and the genre. It'll fit even better if there are more lunar references beforehand. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members blue2blue Posted October 19, 2009 Members Share Posted October 19, 2009 Yeah... actually, I was thinking about songs with a similarly, arguably over-extended metaphor/simile and thinking, gee, some of those, it's the sore thumb that makes the whole song kind of work. After all, if you're hitching a ride, sticking out like a sore thumb may well be an advantage. (OK... that simile may be seriously over the line. ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members acousticDave Posted October 19, 2009 Author Members Share Posted October 19, 2009 thanks for the feedback everyone. I'm not really looking to invent the internet with this one - I never really listened to bluegrass until recently so it's just for fun, which is what all music should be for! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Chicken Monkey Posted October 19, 2009 Members Share Posted October 19, 2009 thanks for the feedback everyone. I'm not really looking to invent the internet with this one - I never really listened to bluegrass until recently so it's just for fun, which is what all music should be for! But it's a GOOD IDEA. It deserves to be worked up proper! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members acousticDave Posted October 19, 2009 Author Members Share Posted October 19, 2009 well thank you sir, I shall try my best. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members acousticDave Posted November 1, 2009 Author Members Share Posted November 1, 2009 I've added a new verse and worked out a melody/harmony, as well as song structure. Audio soon. Staring at the Moon Verse 1I'm walking down the avenueStaring at the moonWondering where my baby wentAny why I feel so blue Verse 2We met one night so long agoA twinkle in your eye I thought that I might marry youAnd you would be my wife ChorusI fall for you like gravityDrifting to our destiny Floating though a phase from light to dark You're far from me quite like the moonMaybe we just met too soon I think we knew that right from the start Verse 3I guess we were not meant to beThat's why we chose to partLetting you go was hard for meA crater in my heart Chorus Verse 4Some times I still recall our loveAnd think of days gone byI realize when I gaze aboveOur star fell from the sky Chorus Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members footmanjoe Posted November 1, 2009 Members Share Posted November 1, 2009 I like the lyrics, look forward to hearing the audio when your done! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members shrifirsmi Posted November 2, 2009 Members Share Posted November 2, 2009 I will let you all see some screen shots when it gets to that stage. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members acousticDave Posted November 19, 2009 Author Members Share Posted November 19, 2009 Youtube from an open mic last night. It was pretty dark inside so the video is poor, but the audio came out fine. I'm on guitar and singing harmony. [YOUTUBE][/YOUTUBE] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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