Members saveuplife Posted March 5, 2010 Members Share Posted March 5, 2010 closed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Stackabones Posted March 5, 2010 Members Share Posted March 5, 2010 Sounds like a good start. I'm not sure what you mean by "It's dissolving in folk lure." I like the line, but not in this song. As far as teleprompter ... kudos for trying to shoehorn it into a song. I'd be more interested in a metaphoric treatment of it. Something like how a teleprompter resembles a window but the user can't see through it or can't see beyond the surface -- like how you breath on a glass and quickly scribble your name on the fog left behind. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Eclepto Funk Posted March 6, 2010 Members Share Posted March 6, 2010 it's tough to write social/political songs (i know ... i've been trying for along time) the only thing that comes close to an actual image in your song is "Now, lines of joblessness" which is a clever turn on the phrase "line of jobless" the rest is, unfortunately, very, very vague ... i would try to form this into something you can narrate rather than talk about, for example lines of joblessness, people in cardboard homesMr. Senator says he can't fund the unemployed (etc. ... just more tangent things) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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