Members BereniceLooM Posted August 8, 2012 Members Share Posted August 8, 2012 Hi everyone. I wanted to create this thread for all those songs that we've composed and we've chosen to forget, either because we are stuck, either because they were not good enough . If there is already a thread on this topic, you can whip me with a donkey gizzard, :poke: but I've searched something similar and I didn't find it. I thought that, with the number of musicians in this forum, maybe we could arise a new idea for "that song" or a last advice: "bury that {censored} in a very deep well". I'll be the first. Boring chords and rythm. Seedy lyrics. Please, help me with this f****** song! On the other hand... Anyone willing to help me with my English? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted August 8, 2012 Members Share Posted August 8, 2012 I can't listen to the youtube, but if you post the lyric, I'd be happy to go over it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members BereniceLooM Posted August 8, 2012 Author Members Share Posted August 8, 2012 Well... There are only four verses, for the moment I wrote four lines more that do not appear in the video, but they seem horrible. "It's hard to describe how I feel right now,I want to explain it but I don't know how.I can't believe it is come to thisno matter how hard I tried". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted August 8, 2012 Members Share Posted August 8, 2012 Some similar threads over the years: http://acapella.harmony-central.com/showthread.php?2182218-What-s-your-songwriting-White-Whale http://acapella.harmony-central.com/showthread.php?2847575-Song-Subject-Matter-Idea-Bank Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted August 8, 2012 Members Share Posted August 8, 2012 I could use this title with every thread I've ever created. Can you type up the lyrics that appear in the vid? I can't make all of them out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted August 8, 2012 Members Share Posted August 8, 2012 Well... There are only four verses, for the momentI wrote four lines more that do not appear in the video, but they seem horrible."It's hard to describe how I feel right now,I want to explain it but I don't know how.I can't believe it is come to thisno matter how hard I tried". I think the first two lines could be great if they are framed in the right context. They are sort of generic, but with the right delivery I think they could work pretty well. The next two lines need to show what you are talking about in the first two. What is this? Why can't you believe it? Why should the listener care that you tried? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted August 8, 2012 Members Share Posted August 8, 2012 The music is very pretty. The guitar work is lovely. It's not easy to write something in a foreign language unless you speak it very well. I once wrote a Spanish-language version of the Bob Dylan song, "To Ramona," which I thought was very well done. Then I sang it to a Spanish speaker and he shook his head at one of the words I'd used. Here's the Dylan version: Ramona come closer, shut softly your water eyes.The pangs of your sorrow shall go as your senses will rise.The flowers of the city look breath-like thought death-like sometimes.There's no use in tryin' to deal with the dyin'though I cannot explain that in lines. which in my version became Ramona, no llores, seca los ojos, Ramona ven tu aquitu tristesta completa pasara si tu acercas a mi.Todas las flores estan muriendo, las flores de la ciudad.Quiero querer te, no piensas en la muerte, porque no vale l'ansieadad. which translated back to English reads: Ramona don't cry, dry your eyes, Ramona come here.Your complete sadness will pass as you come close to me.All of the flowers are dying, the flowers of the city.I want to want you, don't think about death,it's not worth the anxiety. Never mind that this doesn't translate to anything close to the original, or its poetic qualities, I wanted that last line to read that it wasn't worth "the pain" but ended up saying that it wasn't worth "the anxiety." That was written for a Spanish class. You have a much better grasp of English than I did of your language. The point is, don't worry so much. Don't try too hard. Write what you feel. If it doesn't make sense, or doesn't "sing pretty," rewrite it, keep working on it till it does. Right now it's hard for any of us to steer you in the right direction because you've started the song by saying that's it hard to describe how feel right now and that you don't know what you want to say. Answering those questions for yourself might be the next step. Again, the music and guitar work are very lovely. Muy linda! LCK I apologize in advance for my Spanish, especially for the lack of proper punctuation, diacritical marks, etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members IllinoisJack Posted August 9, 2012 Members Share Posted August 9, 2012 Berniece, I, for one, really liked the tiny bit I heard. I loved the quality of innocence in your voice and the pure art of the thing. Sure, the lyics have to either be completed or replaced, but I think you have a good seed. A song doesn't have to be perfect to impress me. I would love to hear more. I don't know how protective you are about your lyics, but if you want, I would be very happy to write some lyrics for you. I just want to hear more of your voice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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