Members LeonardScaper Posted September 28, 2012 Members Share Posted September 28, 2012 She comes my way But I hesitate Should not have let her get away. Still....it works for me. And this I really like...... Moonlight in her hair Laughter in the air I often think of her that way Simple and classic lines. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Marshal Posted September 28, 2012 Author Members Share Posted September 28, 2012 Yeah. I thought of the way-way thing. But decided for now that my way and a-way would work. I suppose I could look at that. Classic lines, huh? Yeah, I worry it's a little too simple and familiar and boring. But I've been trying to be more easily understandable in my lyrics (accessible? main-stream?) I don't know. It's a tight rope to walk. Keep it fresh - Keep it understandable, (yet not boring.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted September 28, 2012 Members Share Posted September 28, 2012 Yeah, I worry it's a little too simple and familiar and boring. Not even remotely. That stanza Len quoted is terrific. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted September 28, 2012 Members Share Posted September 28, 2012 Simple + Familiar = Classic.....with a fresh and stylish presentation. You have that part covered. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Marshal Posted September 28, 2012 Author Members Share Posted September 28, 2012 Thanks"She comes my way," will be "She smiles my way" unless I find another aye sound.I've got to find some place (open mic) to play this one out. That's the trial-by-fire sealing of the song.There's a song critique circle at Old Town School in a week. I expect I'll bring it there to be trashed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Marshal Posted October 7, 2012 Author Members Share Posted October 7, 2012 I did a quickie video and put it up on Youtube of the sorta final versionhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JBPGOX9V9Lk Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted October 7, 2012 Members Share Posted October 7, 2012 Very nice song. My only comment is that it runs to the chorus in a rushed manner compared to the leisurely pace of the rest . Would you consider playing another measure at the end of the verses? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted October 7, 2012 Members Share Posted October 7, 2012 Originally Posted by LeonardScaper She comes my wayBut I hesitateShould not have let her get away.Still....it works for me.And this I really like......Moonlight in her hairLaughter in the airI often think of her that waySimple and classic lines. Yep. I sometimes try to make things "better" than they need to be. It's a fine line... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Marshal Posted October 7, 2012 Author Members Share Posted October 7, 2012 Originally Posted by oldgitplayer Very nice song. My only comment is that it runs to the chorus in a rushed manner compared to the leisurely pace of the rest . Would you consider playing another measure at the end of the verses? That's one of the things I messed around with a few different ways. So far, everything additional I've come up with seems contrived. I'll probably stay with it as is, though things morph over time. I already decided to use the hesitation musical measure after the final "laughter in the air." So, who knows. I'm now beyond the creative fire portion of the writing process and into the mundane smooth it out and tweak it phase. The song is already boring me to death. I'll probably let it set for a week or so and then come back to it with a fresh look and see how it measures up against other tunes I have. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted October 8, 2012 Members Share Posted October 8, 2012 I still think the song is asking for a bigger change in the chorus, but aside from that, I think a wonderful ending spot would be on a slowed down "I often think of her that way"... On this take, you would play 2:51 - 2:56 at half tempo and leave that E7 chord lingering. I thing that would kick total ass and having that line be the last thing anyone remembers seems to suit the message. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Monkey Uncle Posted October 8, 2012 Members Share Posted October 8, 2012 Beautiful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Marshal Posted October 8, 2012 Author Members Share Posted October 8, 2012 With the 5 fingers on my hand that's all the change I'm going to come up with for now. In a recording situation, I'd put a bass part to it that would emphasis the root of the D position chord in the chorus (and the B position chord in the verse). I suppose I could try Dropped D tuning. But that'd cause problems with the G position and E position chords. I think I'll try changing the chord pattern after the second chorus to another chorus instead of the verse chords. And then sing the the "moonlight" last half of a chorus. It could be an instrumental first 1/2 chorus, except I don't think I can plunk a melody over the chord pattern. But I'll mess with that. That also would make the verse chords fresher as they reprise at the outro. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Marshal Posted October 9, 2012 Author Members Share Posted October 9, 2012 I stewed over some subtle but meaty changes. Here's the latest lyric:Rolls out her mat as the sun comes up And strikes a pose to greet the new day There Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Marshal Posted October 9, 2012 Author Members Share Posted October 9, 2012 PS - I came up with a verbal introduction to the song too. "We're all familiar with fish stories; about the big one that got away. 'It was THIS big.' Well this is a song about a girl that got away." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Marshal Posted October 17, 2012 Author Members Share Posted October 17, 2012 Very unusual. I continue to churn this one. Just not totally happy with the flow. The third line of the chorus with 4 syllables is such a lynch pin. I chuckle to think of all the options I've come up with for that line. So far I've tried:She wants to stay She asks to stay She says she'll stay Says she will stay Says she can stay Offers to stay and,She'd like to stay. Probably the last one will stick. But it's funny the options I've churned. The last chorus and closing is morphing to:Suzanne Haunting my world as only she can She walks away Cause I hesitate . . . , Now I often call her name Suzanne. I'll try to spin another recording soon of the so-called final. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Marshal Posted October 17, 2012 Author Members Share Posted October 17, 2012 Or:I often stop and call her name Suzanne. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Marshal Posted October 20, 2012 Author Members Share Posted October 20, 2012 OK. Here's a Youtube of the "final" version. It ought to be performance ready, if I can remember to stay focused on the lyrics.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3B56F_YxGjA Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted October 20, 2012 Members Share Posted October 20, 2012 Fantastic change on "hesitate", and I really like the three two chord post-chorus break before heading ointo the second verse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Marshal Posted October 21, 2012 Author Members Share Posted October 21, 2012 "Opening lines are important." I've said it before, and I'll say it again. But in the final analysis on this tune, I think I missed the mark. I posted it on another forum. Not for songwriters. people liked it, but wanted to see the lyrics because they missed some things. I realized that The opening lines weren't communicating like they should. i was too wrapped up in the story. So I'm going to change the old lines"Rolls out her mat as the sun comes up And strikes a pose to great the new day" to:"Lays down her mat as the sun comes up Her yoga pose greets the new day." , or something like that. I don't know for sure. But it's got to be something more direct and easily understandable. Damn. This one has taken a lot of time. I'm already tired of it. I think I've churned just about every line in the tune. So much for inspiration. The idea has always been consistent. But the language has been tougher to smooth out. Good thing I don't do this for a living. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted October 21, 2012 Members Share Posted October 21, 2012 Originally Posted by Marshal So I'm going to change the old lines"Rolls out her mat as the sun comes upAnd strikes a pose to great the new day"to:"Lays down her mat as the sun comes upHer yoga pose greets the new day." You're overthinking it. It's fine as is. Just really damn fine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Marshal Posted October 21, 2012 Author Members Share Posted October 21, 2012 Ha ha ha. True ! (about the overthinking). But I think I'm going with:"Rolls out her mat as the sun comes upDoes Yoga to greet the new day" I'm sort of invested in "Rolls." It rolls off the tongue nicely, even if it's not real clear. But the "Yoga" reference I think clarifies things better. (Plus I'm going to have her "walk" up the trail. The word, hikes, is too hard to say/sing. It wants to be Hi-eek-suh all in one syllable. "Walks" rolls of the tongue better, though it's not as accurate.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted October 21, 2012 Members Share Posted October 21, 2012 Originally Posted by Marshal the "Yoga" reference I think clarifies things better. I don't think that's necessary. "Rolls out the mat says yoga..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Marshal Posted October 21, 2012 Author Members Share Posted October 21, 2012 . . . . , or maybe"Her Yoga stance greets the new day." (I'll shut up now) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted October 21, 2012 Members Share Posted October 21, 2012 I used to inhabit the world of Hatha Yoga when I was a young man, so am familiar with the terms. 'Yoga mat' and 'sun greeting posture' are the everyday terms used. so how about :Moves silently on her yoga mat And greets the sun of the new day Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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