Members Uh_Me Posted February 25, 2013 Members Share Posted February 25, 2013 So while working on another song, I came up with this riff and quickly threw this recording together. Again, quality not the best audio wise or vocally, but meh. I only have a pcm recorder and I'm not a singer. Tell me what you think lyrically and musically. You can judge my vocals if you want but like I said.... (Title Currently Under Construction) http://anthonylong.bandcamp.com/track/you-get-what-you-give You Get What You Give(?) It's hard to believeGiven what I know.Can't Take a leap of faithBecause my faith didn't grow.I hear the truthBut wait for reprise.You've done your worstSo I can't recognize.An oasis when I see itIt's a mirage 'til I feel it.You take back what you giveAnd more if I need it.I'm dry as a stone, nowAll skin and boneYou cut open my wristAnd decided to bleed it.A silver tongueGets you what you wantBut with an iron lungYou've always sungThis same old songUntil your throat was soarAnd you sang it all the wayTo the door.I'll break your handWhen you reach for my food.I'll hold you backWhen you go near my shoes.I'll walk awayWhen I see you drownYou get what you giveIts your turn now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted February 25, 2013 Members Share Posted February 25, 2013 The open is cool, but you'd have a much strong verse if you tamed it by strumming the guitar once per chord. So, do a single strum at 0:38, then another at 0:40, etc. Not only would the verse be much cooler, but the chorus would seem more vibrant by comparison.As for the lyric, I could take it or leave it. We all enjoy a cathartic "I hate you" tune, so if the music is strong enough it could probably work. There isn't anything that jumps out as being particularly good to me, though.The chorus is where you earn your money in a song like this, so I'll point out two weak spots there:"When you go near my shoes."What? That is almost certainly written for the rhyme."And your too loud"You need a much stronger line to serve as the anchor of the song. Despite the weak "shoes" line, the chorus makes it clear how you feel about this person and then your killer line is "you're too loud"? That line needs a serious upgrade.One other thing, I know you aren't a singer, but you have to turn up the vocals a little bit anyway. I could barely hear them making it almost impossible to say much about the attempted vocal melody. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Uh_Me Posted February 25, 2013 Author Members Share Posted February 25, 2013 Thanks for the input. The "shoes" line" has the same meaning as the "food" line. That they've taken enough, done enough damage and now your putting a stop to it. But I'll try the slowing it down a bit during the verse. Might make it a little easier to sing too lol. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members blue2blue Posted February 25, 2013 Members Share Posted February 25, 2013 Uh\_Me wrote: So while working on another song, I came up with this riff and quickly threw this recording together. Again, quality not the best audio wise or vocally, but meh. I only have a pcm recorder and I'm not a singer. Tell me what you think lyrically and musically. You can judge my vocals if you want but like I said.... http://anthonylong.bandcamp.com/track/too-loud Too Loud I find it hard to believe Given What I know Can't take a leap of faith 'Cause my faith didn't grow. I hear the truth But Can't recognize. You've done your worst Now I stay paralyzed. chorus: I break your hand when you reach for my food. I hold you back When you go near my shoes. I walk away when I see you drown. I'm having a good day And your too loud A silver tongue Gets you what you want But with an iron lung You've always sung This same old song Until your throat was sore And you sang it All the way to the door (Chorus) There's always room for a good put-down song! Since this is the songwriting forum and not the super-slick-studio-production forum, and you've already acknowledged some compromises in that department, we'll leave recording quality aside. I enjoyed the cheekiness -- and that stabbing guitar stretch/squeal that starts the solo made my day. And, while it is, without question, something of a throwaway, it has a message, stays on point through the verses, and has a couple of colorful bits supporting its central message. Now... the chorus... I'm not saying it doesn't kind of work in here, given the givens, but it gives me the vibe that it's almost from a different song/context. From the rest of the song, I get the impression that the target of the song's ire is an overblown, self-important rockstar or wannabe rockstar type. But if I look at the words of the chorus, they almost seem like they're from a song about living on the street -- the defensiveness about the food and shoes, see, and maybe the disregard for the other guy's very existence (which seems kind of on-the-edge, shrugging off someone else's life and death). So, while the tone of derision and contempt is consistent, the shift between the 'rockstar' angles (which I might be misinterpretting for that matter) and the chorus bit seems like it opens up more questions than it answers... Now, I get the sense that this wasn't necessarily meant to be a work of great literary moment, something to go down through the ages. So, while you might want to rework it, you might also simply take what you've learned and move on to the next song. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted February 25, 2013 Members Share Posted February 25, 2013 Funny, I noticed the same homeless guy vibe as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Uh_Me Posted March 17, 2013 Author Members Share Posted March 17, 2013 So, I listned to this one again, and realized I didn't like it. At all (save the lyric). So I did a MAJOR overhaul on the music and I really think it makes it better. Its not something I would normally write (a garage rock, riff oriented thing), but I like it sorta. I changed the last line of the chorus, and slowed down the song a bit. Some input? http://anthonylong.bandcamp.com/track/im-having-a-good-day-dont-ruin-it-now Edit:lol, so I can edit posts, huh? My bad. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted March 17, 2013 Members Share Posted March 17, 2013 I'm not a member of Band Camp, so I can't listen. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.