What time is it, Campers?

[Terry Allan Hall]

Pleased to spread moral corruption wherever I can...

Speaking of which (to the tune of "Winter Wonderland")

At the office Christmas party,
I started out with a Bacardi.
I didn't get sauced,
But, right now, I'm lost!
It's Christmas and I wonder where I am!

I had a beer at my brother's,
Had egg nog at my mother's,
Then two bottles of wine.
Which automobile's mine?
It's Christmas and I wonder where I am!

Someone caught me dancing with a snowman.
Policemen came and put me in their car.
They asked, 'Are you drunk?' And I said, 'No, man,
But could you drop me off at the next bar?'

I guess my wife must be missing;
Who's this dog that I'm kissing?
They say his name's 'Spot',
And he likes me...a lot!!
It's Christmas and I wonder where I am!

I was looking for a lady I could dance with,
And so I stood beneath the mistletoes.
Someone said, 'You'd have a better chance if
You take the lamp shade off and put back on your clothes'!

Well it's time to be going.
I'm naked! Is it still snowing?
It's time I should leave,
But I'll be back New Year's Eve!!!
It's Christmas and I wonder where I am!
It's Christmas and I wonder where I am!

[Terry Allan Hall]

Well, it's the Winter Solstice today, a most Holy Day for those of us Washed In The Blood Of An Elm (), and here's the Winter Solstice contribution (to the tune of "Who Put The Bop In The Bomp Bah Bomp Bah Bomp?"):

I'd like to find the guy
Who done me wrong
And stuck my butt up
On this Christmas tree.

Who put the stump
In my rump-ba-bump-ba-bump?
Who took and jammed it
In my ram-a-lam-a-ding dong?
Who stood the wood
Where I poop-she-poop-she-poop?
Who put the stick
Up my hipty-dipty-dip?

Who was that man?
He shoved it up my can
And left me stranded on this Christmas tree. (Yeah ...)

When this angel heard
Chop-ba-ba-bop, di-chop-ba-ba-bop,
A dreadful fear went right into my heart.
Those pine tree needles sting me,
Ram-a-jam-a-ram-a-jammin' in my ding dong.
You'll never know how much that smarts. (Hooah ...)

So who put the stump
In my rump-ba-bump-ba-bump?
Who took and jammed it
In my ram-a-lam-a-ding dong?
Who stood the wood
Where I poop-she-poop-she-poop?
Who put the stick
Up my hipty-dipty-dip?

Who took that bush
And crammed it in my tush?
He made this angel beg for mercy, please. (Yow ...)

Each night when I'm alone,
Scratchity scratchity scratchity scratchity
Scratchity scratchity shoop ...
It sets my tiny bottom all aglow.
And every time I wiggle,
Slipty-din-de-din, slipty-din-de-din,
A little further in it goes. (Ohhh/Yeah ...)

(Rump-ba-bump-ba-bump
Ram-a-lam-a ding dong
Slipty-din-de-din
Poopity poopity shoop ...)

[Terry Allan Hall]

Today's contribution, "Merry Christmas" is to the tune of Van Halen's "Jamie's Cryin'"

[Elf]
I saw the look in his eyes
As we were playin

[Terry Allan Hall]

And, as we're running out of days, but I'm nowhere nearly running out of Christmas/Holiday silliness, here's another contribution...btw, I've concentrated primarily on Christmas, but should've posted this during Chanukah, so I offer my apologies to our Jewish Fellow Forumites:

(To the tune of "Deck The Halls")
Momma's baking loaves of challah -
Biri biri bom bom bom bom bom.
Trim the tree with balls of matzo -
Biri biri bom bom bom bom bom.
Don we now our yarmulkes -
Biri bom biri bom bom bom bom.
Blue and white on Santa Claus -
Biri biri bom bom bom bom bom!

See the menorah before us -
Biri biri bom bom bom bom bom.
Light the candles - join the chorus -
Biri biri bom bom bom bom bom!
Fry the latkes, spin the dreidel -
Biri bom biri bom bom bom bom.
Have some chicken soup with noodle -
Biri biri bom bom bom bom bom.

[Samilyn]

And yet another dose of hilarity from our dear friend, TAH.

 

Keep at it, darlin'. 'Tis the most "lyrical" fun I've had since I quit reading MAD Magazine.

 

Wishing the Happiest of Holidays to you and yours!

[Terry Allan Hall]

This next contribution has a special place in my heart, because my daughter, Kat, helped me "mutate" it...when she was a little girl, everywhere I went, she wanted to go, so we had a lot of "Daddy-Daughter Adventures" and we'd often sing songs as we hauled our heineies down the highway...often making up new words to songs on the fly.

This is just such an example:

Jim-Bob, the Redneck Reindeer

You know Irving, and Wilbur and Stinky and Nixon
Simon, Garfunkle and Annie Maye Knudsen
But I wonder if you're hip
To the reindeer that never took any lip?

Jim-Bob the Redneck Reindeer
Has a piss-poor attitude
Just stood around scratching his cojones
And acting in a manner rude

Jim-Bob, he liked his Lone Star
He liked to honkey-tonk from dusk 'til dawn
He liked to line-dance to the "Cotton-Eyed Joe"
Then hurl his gut on Santa's lawn

Then one dusty Christmas Eve
Rudolph came to say:
"Jim-Bob, you're just Cow-town Trash!"
So Jim-Bob knocked him on his heiney

And now all the other reindeers
Are afraid they'll get what Ridolph got!
That why Jim-Bob the Red-neck Reindeer
Is the toughest buck of Santa's lot!

(instrumental)

Later on that Christmas Eve
Miss Comet was heard to say:
"Jim-Bob, if I'm a good reindeer girl
Won't you stay over and rock my world?

And now all the other rein-does
Want what Miss Comet had
That's why Jim-Bob the redneck reindeer
Is a lot of little reindeer's Dad!

Ah...good times!

Tomorrow, being Christmas Eve, I'll present to y'all the one that I (and many other folks) feel is my very best "mutation"!

[Terry Allan Hall]

And yet another dose of hilarity from our dear friend, TAH. Thanks for your kind words! Keep at it, darlin'. 'Tis the most "lyrical" fun I've had since I quit reading MAD Magazine. Why would you stop reading MAD?...as you might've guessed, it was early on an inspiration, and I still do a few of their parodies at some gigs! Wishing the Happiest of Holidays to you and yours! And back at ya!

[Harmonycat]

OK....I got one!

(Tune: "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen")

The restroom door said Gentlemen
So I just walked inside
I took two steps and realized
I'd been taken for a ride
I heard high voices turned and found
The place was occupied
By two nuns, three old ladies, and a nurse
What could be worse?
Than two nuns, three old ladies and a nurse.

The restroom door said Gentlemen
It must have been a gag
As soon as I walked in there I ran into some old hag
She sprayed me with a can of mace
And snapped me with her bag.
I could tell this just wouldn't be my day
What can I say?
It just wasn't turning out to be my day.

The restroom door said Gentlemen
And I would like to find
The crummy little creep who had the nerve to switch the sign
Cause I've got two black eyes
And one high heel up my behind
Now I can't sit with comfort and joy
Boy, oh, boy
No, I'll never sit with comfort and joy.

[Terry Allan Hall]

OK....I got one! (Tune: "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen") The restroom door said Gentlemen So I just walked inside I took two steps and realized I'd been taken for a ride I heard high voices turned and found The place was occupied By two nuns, three old ladies, and a nurse What could be worse? Than two nuns, three old ladies and a nurse. The restroom door said Gentlemen It must have been a gag As soon as I walked in there I ran into some old hag She sprayed me with a can of mace And snapped me with her bag. I could tell this just wouldn't be my day What can I say? It just wasn't turning out to be my day. The restroom door said Gentlemen And I would like to find The crummy little creep who had the nerve to switch the sign Cause I've got two black eyes And one high heel up my behind Now I can't sit with comfort and joy Boy, oh, boy No, I'll never sit with comfort and joy.

Excellent!

[Samilyn]

OK....I got one! (Tune: "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen") The restroom door said Gentlemen So I just walked inside I took two steps and realized I'd been taken for a ride I heard high voices turned and found The place was occupied By two nuns, three old ladies, and a nurse What could be worse? Than two nuns, three old ladies and a nurse. The restroom door said Gentlemen It must have been a gag As soon as I walked in there I ran into some old hag She sprayed me with a can of mace And snapped me with her bag. I could tell this just wouldn't be my day What can I say? It just wasn't turning out to be my day. The restroom door said Gentlemen And I would like to find The crummy little creep who had the nerve to switch the sign Cause I've got two black eyes And one high heel up my behind Now I can't sit with comfort and joy Boy, oh, boy No, I'll never sit with comfort and joy.

Again, I'm laughing so hard my sides are splitting.

I knew a guy that found himself in a very similar situation at an airport, simply because he'd lost his glasses. Poor dude was not only maced by some paranoid old cow, but found himself in the airport security office shortly thereafter with a LOT of explaining to do.

[Samilyn]

Hmmmm.......nothing like 5 cans of inspiration.........

Composed by yours truly....

 

 

GOD REST YE MERRY JOHNS

 

God rest ye merry Johns,

You're in the county jail today,

You're there because you hoped to spend

Some bucks on a good lay.

 

But the hooker on the boulevard

turned out to be a cop,

And when you pulled out your wallet

She applied the handcuffs,

When you pulled out your wallet you got cuffed.

 

You might as well sleep well, dear John

'cause later on today,

A phone call you must make

And to your wife you must explain,

 

Why she must come and bail you out

And I bet when you get home,

For the next year you'll sleep in bed alone,

All alone

 

For the next year you'll be sleeping all alone!

[Terry Allan Hall]

Hmmmm.......nothing like 5 cans of inspiration......... Composed by yours truly.... GOD REST YE MERRY JOHNS God rest ye merry Johns, You're in the county jail today, You're there because you hoped to spend Some bucks on a good lay. But the hooker on the boulevard turned out to be a cop, And when you pulled out your wallet She applied the handcuffs, When you pulled out your wallet you got cuffed. You might as well sleep well, dear John 'cause later on today, A phone call you must make And to your wife you must explain, Why she must come and bail you out And I bet when you get home, For the next year you'll sleep in bed alone, All alone For the next year you'll be sleeping all alone!

LOL..."5 cans of inspiration"...Xmas spirit?

[Terry Allan Hall]

OK, Campers...Christmas Eve is soon upon us (soon as the Sun goes down, anyway), and, as promised, this is my most requested "contribution" at my holiday gigs...

The South Side of Ft.Worth, Texas' Night Before X-mas - circa 1979

'Twas the night before X-mas and all through our home,
Not a creature was still up...all immaculately stoned,
The stockings were all nailed to the fake fireplace,
We're hoping Kris Kringle would soon show his face.

Ol' Pedro and Carla were up in their beds,
With flashbacks from the mescaline still dancing in their heads,
I was in my cut-off Levis and the ol' lady in her gown,
We were just fixin' to get nekkid and to seriously "get down"!

When all of a sudden I heard a loud noise,
I just figured we were being visited by some of the boys.
But, who did I see when I opened the door?
It was the Santa who worked down at the department store.

I'd met him last week with my nephew and nieces,
(They're rotten little monkeys, but I love 'em to pieces!)
We'd talked for a bit, and I bid him, "Slide by,
We'll roll up some "X-mas Cheer" and kick back a while!"

So, I told him "Sit down, take a load off your feet!",
And I broke out my bong, filled with something quite sweet,
Then he pulled out a bomber, in red-and-green paper,
It was fat in the middle, the ends kinda tapered.

He fired up that bad boy, and exhaled the smoke,
And passed over to my ol' lady, who took a long toke,
She asked, "Is this home-grown?", as I took my hit
He smiled as he answered, "Grown in pure reindeer {censored}!"

We thought that was funny, and started to giggle,
Santa laughed,too...and his big belly jiggled
He said, "Lot of folks think I'm of nothing but dreams,
"But good folks, all is not as it seems"

"To some, Christmas is nothing but commercialized whoredom,
"And when you talk about Peace on Earth, some people feel boredom,
"But Christmas is not something to help fill shopping carts,
"The true spirit of Christmas dwells deep in your heart,

"When you give help to the infirm, or a hug to a child,
"Feed someone who's hungry, and do all this with a smile,
"Buying a lot of crap is not the real reason,
"It's giving of yourself that makes this The Season

"of Joy and of Love and of all that is Good."
He took another toke and Santa then stood
He said, "Step out on the porch and I'll show you something righteous"
And he pointed to a Harley tricked out most bodacious

And behind that big hawg, as a matter of fact
Was a trailer that held a gigantic sack
Filled with toys and dolls and unbroken dreams
Santa said,"See?...It's never at all like it seems"

He leaped on his Sportster, gave the kick-start a stomp,
Gave it some gas, and I heard the drive-chain go "clonk",
And as Santa took off, through the star-blazened night,
I heard the Big Man say, "Burn another for me...and to all, a fine night!"

[C70man]

Love that Santa clip.....

[Samilyn]

LOL..."5 cans of inspiration"...Xmas spirit?

That was the "finally got all the the shopping, wrapping, baking, other holiday chores done" celebration.

[Terry Allan Hall]

That was the "finally got all the the shopping, wrapping, baking, other holiday chores done" celebration.

Uh - huh...

[Samilyn]

Uh - huh...

Well, I suppose I could have headed to my favorite Oak tree, greeted the quarters and .........

But the Yule log has been burned already and it's cold out there, so on to other pursuits for now.

Blessed Be, m'dear.

[Terry Allan Hall]

Well, I suppose I could have headed to my favorite Oak tree, greeted the quarters and ......... But the Yule log has been burned already and it's cold out there, so on to other pursuits for now. Blessed Be, m'dear.

Merry meet, merry part and merry meet, again.

[denvertrakker]

RE: The South Side of Ft.Worth, Texas' Night Before X-mas - circa 1979

A true masterpiece, TAH. Thankyew.

Merry Christmas to all from the eastern plains of Colorado where, amazingly, we're having a White Christmas.

(OK, it's an inch on top of the eight we already had, but still...)

[Terry Allan Hall]

RE: The South Side of Ft.Worth, Texas' Night Before X-mas - circa 1979 A true masterpiece, TAH. Thankyew. Thanks! Merry Christmas to all from the eastern plains of Colorado where, amazingly, we're having a White Christmas. (OK, it's an inch on top of the eight we already had, but still...)

We, here in West Texas, are reduced to "dashing through the dust"...