Hypersensitivity test - "May I impose on you?"

[nat whilk II]

Ok, this is not a big deal, but anyway.....

 

When someone asks me for a favor and they preface it with "May I impose on you to yadayada...", the "impose" phrase tends to set up this negative defensiveness in me.

 

It's like I'm hearing "I know I'm imposing on you - I'm even admitting it - but I really don't care, I want you to do this for me anyway..."

 

Am I just hypersensitive on this one? Or should people not use that phrase?

 

A little thing, but one of those things.

 

nat whilk ii

[Hard Truth]

I interpret it to mean "I know I'm imposing on you - I'm even admitting it, I want you to do this for me anyway, but since it is an imposition I would understand if you don't want to do it."

[nat whilk II]

I interpret it to mean "I know I'm imposing on you - I'm even admitting it, I want you to do this for me anyway, but since it is an imposition I would understand if you don't want to do it."

 

Good point. 'Tho, in situations where it would be ungracious or inappropriate to refuse the request, the "may I impose on you" rings very hollow to me.

 

So maybe it's my sense (or hypersense) that I'm being taken for granted that's really bugging me, not the phrase itself.

 

I'm sure this topic is for most folks...

 

nat whilk ii

[MorePaul]

 

Good point. 'Tho, in situations where it would be ungracious or inappropriate to refuse the request, the "may I impose on you" rings very hollow to me.

 

 

I suppose, when meant genuinely, the point is to modulate the situation making it OK to refuse or to clarify and acknowledge that it is truly an imposition (to declarethat the situation is such that it wouldn't be ungracious)

 

 

however, like so much, it is often simply used as a platitude

 

like "how do you do?" used as statment of greeting and the answer to the question is of no consequence

 

 

or even "Are you OK"

ever had an injury where people walk up and say "are you OK?"

and you answer "NO" -- some folks don't deal well with it as the expected response was "I'm fine...thanks"

 

 

 

While we certainly build up our pet peeves with regard to these expressions -- I think at the core is that, when not genuine, the slight is that the person didn't even value the interaction enough to think about what they are saying -- they are just slinging boilerplate

[PaleoPerry]

It is also a social lubricant, I guess. Platitudes serve a purpose.

[Cry Logic]

Depends entirely on their reaction when you refuse.

[philbo]

How about:

 

"I'm sorry, I must impose an imposition to your position on the imposition with which you tried to position me. I'd normally bend over backwards for you but that would just put me into the imposition position...."

[halljams]

Something i read in a negotiating book a long long time ago has stuck with me and made life much easier when these things arise.

It's simple and it's called tossing the hot potatoe(or a multitude of other names).

 

If someone has enough lack of respect for you to ask something unfair or intrusive, that immediately gives you the right to hand it right back to them without any guilt. You are never obliged to keep the hot potatoe.

 

Of course if you want to get into negotiating you may want to hold onto it for bartering power at a later time ie, "Well i did this for you so you should do this in return etc etc"