Members dreamsound2 Posted March 9, 2012 Members Share Posted March 9, 2012 Here is my latest, below lyrics you will find link with raw recorded version of this song. Still working on tracking so there's absolutely nothing done to it except some panning and compression/reverb on vocals. I like to record raw and then mix as many of you do. Please send me some feedback, so I can make changes before I finish it. Please don't comment on pitch or mix issues as I will deal with that later. Do comment on lyrics, structure, tracking, etc. I'll give you the story behind the song on a later post on this thread. Materialistic-------------- TonightI feel that I am ready to go outand buy myself every stupid thing I seeto make myself a little more completeAnything to just feel whole But this dependence has its pricesslowly but surelythey are risingI definewhat I've becomein one wordMATERIALISTIC Nothing changes when you are what you buyDeep inside I'm still the sameSometimes I hideSometimes I'm incompleteI'm gonna break all of these chains And IWant the newest phone that just came outWith a 100 mega pixel cameraand a 3 dimenzional static hologramanything to not feel alone But this dependence is growing strongerI need more thingsto help me get over herNo one to call and no pictures to takeI just need myself to keep me company (CHORUS) Dont hate me cause I do feel a little selfishWhen I have more things than you doPlease help me to justify this avaritia'Cause I can't get enoughNO I want a new suite by Georgio ArmaniI want a Porsche 918 SpyderI wanna live in PBand I when I want something I want it NOW And I Feel that I am readyTo be known as the yetiI know that what owes usis everything that we owe (CHORUS-OUTRO) Link: http://www.mixpod.com/playlist/88394840 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted March 9, 2012 Members Share Posted March 9, 2012 The problem I had listening to this song was that I didn't care for the protagonist.He's made his choices in life, and I have no sympathy for him nor any interest in his avarice.He's just another consumer asking us to care about his helplessness. So as a song, I struggled to listen to the end - let alone want to listen a 2nd time.You can obviously write and play, but the lyric content was in my opinion, lacking.I hope you receive some better responses than mine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members dreamsound2 Posted March 9, 2012 Author Members Share Posted March 9, 2012 What's up oldgit... I'm not sure if you noticed that the choruses contradict the verses with 'nothing changes when you are what you buy... I'm gonna break all of these chains.' The song is supposed to be sarcastic and ironical... In any case, thanks for the input. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rickidoo Posted March 9, 2012 Members Share Posted March 9, 2012 Dream, There are things to like here, but for me at least, there are things that hold this song back. On the like, it is well produced, well played, well sung. I do agree with Old Git on the emotional impact of the lyrics.. for me at least, the lyrics do not resonate. And I do understand about the chorus. I do think it can be revised to work however... It's just that the lyrics pretty much do this: 1. I buy to fill a hole in me.2. It never gets filled by buying. ... to that... I say .. "so what?". Who cares? ... and that's the crux of the matter, I don't have a reason to care. OK, now let's write a totally different song on a different issue. This one says1. I gamble to fill a hole in me2. It never gets filled by this3. I was so damn poor as a kid, that money became everything4. And now I'm so damn poor again5. Lost my wife and kids6. 'cause I'm a gambling man ... now I have a reason, a basis for caring about the gambler. Yes he's a gambler, which I am not, but now I can "feel" for him in his situation. Something needs to be done to make me care aboutthe shopaholic. The other matter with this song, and this is much more highly subjective, is that while teh song is played very strongly, etc... melodically I wish either the chorus or the verses would rise up and give me a melodic contrast over the other. I feel like my car is going 60 MPH down a straight road for both the verse and chorus. Give me a melodic surprise somewhere, a curve in the road that is unexpected. But like I said, very subjective. Melody is in the ear of the beholder. I do think there is a story to be told here, but make it compelling, make me care. Listen to this harry Chapain classic. See how well he makes us care: [video=youtube;MazXSlekckI] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Monkey Uncle Posted March 9, 2012 Members Share Posted March 9, 2012 Real drums! Nice. I think you should take Rick's advice to heart. He hit the nail on the head with the two major issues - make us care about the protagonist and give us a little more melodic variation. One other thing I would note: you hit us over the head with the message in the first two stanzas (before the first chorus). Those lyrics are very straightforward with no metaphor or imagery whatsoever. The whole story is out there before we even get to the chorus the first time. Now take a look at the next two stanzas. There, you give us some detailed imagery about what the protagonist is buying without preaching directly about his problem. I would use those stanzas as your opening verses and ditch the two that currently open the song. You might need to write another verse to fill the hole created by moving those. Maybe something to expand on who "her" is that the protagonist is trying to get over. Finally, I'm just not getting the last stanza. I have no idea what the yeti is supposed to signify. I do get what you're trying to say in the last two lines, but the current wording sounds strained and awkward. Sorry if being overly critical. I do think you have a nice musical framework and a good basic story line. It just needs a little more work to make it pop. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted March 9, 2012 Members Share Posted March 9, 2012 Rick and Monkey hit it. I think the verses after the chorus are better because they show not tell. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members dreamsound2 Posted March 9, 2012 Author Members Share Posted March 9, 2012 Yes, REAL drums!! I tried putting the reason why he become so Materialistic is because he lost someone he loved BUT I just couldn't fit it in man. Songs like these are hard to find words to fit lyrics into particular rhythm patterns.. However, I did have a comment on the Yeti from someone else and I changed it to "I feel that I am ready... to fit in this society" and it fit well. Thanks for confirming that Monkey... I'm not sure how else I can change the 'I know that what owes us, is everything that we own' (Is that what sounded strained to you?) On the bridge (with the falsetto) that was actually a guitar solo, and for the first time I actually used the guitar solo melody and transformed it into a vocal melody (have you guys done that?) in order to give it more melodic range. I also added stops and slower parts to add more dynamics as well. Thanks everyone for all the feedback! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted March 9, 2012 Members Share Posted March 9, 2012 Add me to the growing list of people who want to be shown, not told, and who neither understand the last verse nor feel compelled to invest in the character. I don't think you need to add a reason why this person is so materialistic. Personally, since it is being told from his point of view, I'd take the opposite tact as you, and sing about how confident he is that the next thing he buys will surely be what he really needs. Make your point with mirrors and irony rather than stating it directly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members dreamsound2 Posted March 10, 2012 Author Members Share Posted March 10, 2012 So I posted this same thread in a different forum and got totally different responses. I guess the audience has a lot to with it where younger generation are going to like lyrics that are straight forward and have a little bit of an attitude more than the older crowd. On the other hand my songs that are more 'Pink Floyd' like (stuff I hope you guys will like more) they might not resonate as much with the younger crowd... The reason I say that is taking all the feedback into consideration, I think Oswlek you are spot on with being confident that the next thing he buys will complete him because that's just the nature of this particular song. So my next song in progress won't be so 'Folsom Prison Blues' (I shot a man in reno, just to watch him die!) and I'll try to make you care more about my character. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Monkey Uncle Posted March 10, 2012 Members Share Posted March 10, 2012 So I posted this same thread in a different forum and got totally different responses. I guess the audience has a lot to with it where younger generation are going to like lyrics that are straight forward and have a little bit of an attitude more than the older crowd. On the other hand my songs that are more 'Pink Floyd' like (stuff I hope you guys will like more) they might not resonate as much with the younger crowd... The reason I say that is taking all the feedback into consideration, I think Oswlek you are spot on with being confident that the next thing he buys will complete him because that's just the nature of this particular song. So my next song in progress won't be so 'Folsom Prison Blues' (I shot a man in reno, just to watch him die!) and I'll try to make you care more about my character. Ouch! It's true, many of us on this forum are over the hill. But pay attention, because a lot of the folks who post here are masterful storytellers who have a command over the English language that is becoming rare these days (with the possible exception of yours truly). To answer your earlier question, yes the part I found strained was 'I know that what owes us, is everything that we own'. Actually, in your printed lyrics, you rendered those lines as 'I know that what owes us is everything we owe.' Using 'owe' and 'own' makes a little more sense than using 'owe' twice. It might be even better to say 'I know that what owns me is everything I owe.' I.e., a reference to the life-crushing debt that 'owns' a person who relentlessly pursues his addictive consumerism. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members dreamsound2 Posted March 10, 2012 Author Members Share Posted March 10, 2012 Monkey... hands down, I was going through some threads here and I saw some great lyrics indeed. I will start commenting here more often to learn more from you guys. To me sometimes I feel I have to sacrifice good lyrics for melody and vice-versa. The guys on the other forums did like the character but they thought the song was to wordy.. this is where I need to do more with less. I misspelled the word own with owe (oops) and so I hope it works the way you wrote it. I also misspelled suit with suite. Also, after your comments I changed 'yeti' to 'society' (so much for a bad metaphor.. hahaha). The entire line now should be "And I, feel that I am ready, to fit in this society, I know that what own us, is everything that we own." I feel society connects with the 'us' part and takes a little bit of pressure off the character. BUT maybe I should change the last own to owe per your comment (debt), what do you think Monkey? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members dannysigma Posted March 10, 2012 Members Share Posted March 10, 2012 Don't know if you know much about screenwriting, but a common problem showing a screenwriter with a lack of experience is writing 'on the nose' dialogue: that is, dialogue where a character says exactly what he/she means. And I think that is my problem with these lyrics: it's an excellent idea, but as it is a first person, character-led song, I think it would benefit enormously if the character didn't realise the extent of the problem and left it for the listener to work it out themselves. Ther reason for me that the character is unsympathetic is not the materialism, but the fact that he knows exactly what his problem is and chooses to do nothing about it. To make a better song, he either needs considerably less self awareness (show us him consuming rather than have him comment on it) or give him some sort of salvation. But mainly show us! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted March 10, 2012 Moderators Share Posted March 10, 2012 Don't know if you know much about screenwriting, but a common problem showing a screenwriter with a lack of experience is writing 'on the nose' dialogue: that is, dialogue where a character says exactly what he/she means. And I think that is my problem with these lyrics: it's an excellent idea, but as it is a first person, character-led song, I think it would benefit enormously if the character didn't realise the extent of the problem and left it for the listener to work it out themselves. Ther reason for me that the character is unsympathetic is not the materialism, but the fact that he knows exactly what his problem is and chooses to do nothing about it. To make a better song, he either needs considerably less self awareness (show us him consuming rather than have him comment on it) or give him some sort of salvation. But mainly show us! I've never heard the term "on the nose", but I get exactly what you're talking about. Interesting post and applicable to the song here. To the op. That's a tall order, what you're going for. The concept is good and you've got a good start here, but I agree with the input here. And... quite frankly, it isn't a younger or older audience. It's good or bad writing. I like what you said here... The guys on the other forums did like the character but they thought the song was to wordy.. this is where I need to do more with less. TonightI feel that I am ready to go outand buy myself every stupid thing I seeto make myself a little more completeAnything to just feel whole Look at the 1st 2 lines. They don't do anything. Line 3... it's getting to the action. Let's take it apart. "every stupid thing". So, they know the things they want to buy are stupid? Why not get more visceral? I need it, I wantI'll wear it, I'll flaunt itI'll make you wish you had it That's not better, but it is in your face. He wants this stuff. Why? So your lines 4 and 5 are sort of dancing around the issue. I got it, you don't, you suck, I rule! That lets me know who this guy is. Don't think it's an age thing. If anything, you sound too old. Get balls and write from their perspective. Less words, more punch. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Monkey Uncle Posted March 10, 2012 Members Share Posted March 10, 2012 Monkey... hands down, I was going through some threads here and I saw some great lyrics indeed. I will start commenting here more often to learn more from you guys. To me sometimes I feel I have to sacrifice good lyrics for melody and vice-versa. The guys on the other forums did like the character but they thought the song was to wordy.. this is where I need to do more with less. I misspelled the word own with owe (oops) and so I hope it works the way you wrote it. I also misspelled suit with suite. Also, after your comments I changed 'yeti' to 'society' (so much for a bad metaphor.. hahaha). The entire line now should be "And I, feel that I am ready, to fit in this society, I know that what own us, is everything that we own." I feel society connects with the 'us' part and takes a little bit of pressure off the character. BUT maybe I should change the last own to owe per your comment (debt), what do you think Monkey? I hadn't thought about it that way ("...what owns us is everything that we own"). I guess either way would work. It depends on whether you want to bring the debt concept into the picture. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members dreamsound2 Posted March 11, 2012 Author Members Share Posted March 11, 2012 TonightI feel that I am ready to go outand buy myself every stupid thing I seeto make myself a little more completeAnything to just feel wholeLook at the 1st 2 lines. They don't do anything. I know those first two lines are sort of a crutch but I can't find anything else that will fit these particular rhythm patterns and melody. When I put different lyrics I end up changing the rest of the verse and then it does not fit the chorus so its like starting all over... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.