Members Oswlek Posted May 29, 2013 Members Share Posted May 29, 2013 EDIT2: Final? http://picosong.com/FTjs EDIT: Updated mix - http://picosong.com/FZe9 ----------------------------------------- So, I'm having problems with my addictive drums, so I had to put "All Fall Down" on hold for a little while. In the meantime, I decided to play around with this one since I'm pretty sure it won't have any percussion at all. First and foremost, I'm hoping the lyric is finally straightened out. The arrangement is quick and dirty. Other than the vocal, which is a comp of 4 takes because I thought that part was too important (too loud, though), everything else is a single take. The acoustic in the left ear during the verses is passed through a reverb which I thought sounded interesting, almost like a spacy cello sound. Working? So, is this raw and honest or rough and distracting? http://picosong.com/FBcJ V1.1 Talking with the wind I hear your voice again A call I've long ignored I wasn't ready before V1.2 Wearied by my rage And all the wars I've waged Here I am, arms outreached I just want to believe PC I won't run anymore I won't run C I will live my life through you I will give my life to you V2 Through cascades of tears I see my aimless years I've run, I've run, I've run Now I must give in PC and C repeat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted May 29, 2013 Moderators Share Posted May 29, 2013 That's fantastic. I love averything about it. Love the reverbed guitar/cello thingy. Your voice... sounds fantastic. Perfect to me... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted May 29, 2013 Members Share Posted May 29, 2013 Very nice. Just lovely.There are some spots where I think the lyric could be improved, but I'm not sure if you want to hear that at this point. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members richarddieffenbach Posted May 29, 2013 Members Share Posted May 29, 2013 Absolute home run. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted May 29, 2013 Author Members Share Posted May 29, 2013 richarddieffenbach wrote: Absolute home run. Wow, Rick. I wish I could agree! Good to know that you guys like this angle, still some work to do, but it is nice to get some reinforcement. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted May 30, 2013 Members Share Posted May 30, 2013 Oswlek wrote: V1.1Talking with the wind I hear your voice again Words I've long ignored strike a different chord. V1.2Wearied by my rage And all the wars I've waged Here I am, reaching out tired of fear and doubt.PC I won't run anymore I won't run CI will live my life through you I will give my life to you V2Through cascades of tears I see my aimless years I've run, I've run, I've run Now my running's done. PC and C repeat The last line in the first verse has one too many syllables. "I wasn't ready before" sounds a bit rushed. There really is no one-syllable replacement for "ready," so I changed it a bit. It doesn't state, out-and-out, that the character wasn't ready, but it does show that there's a change. That may not satisfy your needs, but it's all I've got for now.The last two lines in the second verse had a couple of smallish problems. "Arms outreached" doesn't sound natural to me. Arms outstretched? Yes. Outreached? I'm not even sure if that's a word. And then trying to force that to rhyme with "believe" is, well, a stretch. Hence my suggestion. You could also try:But now my arms reach outplease help me lose this doubt.As far as the last verse is concerned, you've got that wonderful repetition of "I've run, I've run, I've run..." I think it's a shame not to end it with something simple that just nails the whole thing shut, nice and tight. Hence, "now my running's done..."Anyway, you asked for specific ideas. There they be, matey! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted May 30, 2013 Members Share Posted May 30, 2013 Wow Justin... this is really awesome!Perfect as is... unless you can get a real cellist to lay something down, I'd leave it as is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted May 30, 2013 Author Members Share Posted May 30, 2013 LCK wrote: Oswlek wrote: V1.1 Talking with the wind I hear your voice again Words I've long ignored strike a different chord. V1.2 Wearied by my rage And all the wars I've waged Here I am, reaching out tired of fear and doubt. PC I won't run anymore I won't run C I will live my life through you I will give my life to you V2 Through cascades of tears I see my aimless years I've run, I've run, I've run Now my running's done. PC and C repeat The last line in the first verse has one too many syllables. "I wasn't ready before" sounds a bit rushed. There really is no one-syllable replacement for "ready," so I changed it a bit. It doesn't state, out-and-out, that the character wasn't ready, but it does show that there's a change. That may not satisfy your needs, but it's all I've got for now. The last two lines in the second verse had a couple of smallish problems. "Arms outreached" doesn't sound natural to me. Arms outstretched? Yes. Outreached? I'm not even sure if that's a word. And then trying to force that to rhyme with "believe" is, well, a stretch. Hence my suggestion. You could also try: But now my arms reach out please help me lose this doubt. As far as the last verse is concerned, you've got that wonderful repetition of "I've run, I've run, I've run..." I think it's a shame not to end it with something simple that just nails the whole thing shut, nice and tight. Hence, "now my running's done..." Anyway, you asked for specific ideas. There they be, matey! I knew you would get me on "outreached". FWIW, "outreached" is a word and it means exactly how I have it here. I had been hoping that it would add a dynamic to the lyric, arms not just outstretched, but reaching....... reaching.... The funny thing is, I had already been through that entire inner dialog. When I came up with the line I thought it was killed, but then I realized that you would say "outstretched" in natural conversation. This song is so personal - spoken - that keeping it as pure to speech as possible was ideal. I totally agree that "reaching out" is significantly better for that line..... but ()... "I just want to believe" is pretty much written in stone. It is the entire point of the song and anything else there feels like I'm wussing out and not saying what I mean to say. It is so crucial for me that I'm willing to accept a lesser line before it, even one with a "reach" of a rhyme. Maybe I'm ignoring the "cut what is most important to you" guideline, but I have a hard time with that anyway. Perhaps to my detriment. You are right about "ready before" but that was a performance issue. If I cut the "ehhhhh" part a little shorter it will feel better, I think. As for the last line, I have to admit that I'm leaning towards a modified version of OGP's suggestion, but that is still up in the air. I really appreciate the ideas, though. You may not recall, but a significant part of this lyric here is taken from dual-Lee suggestions in an earlier thread. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted May 31, 2013 Moderators Share Posted May 31, 2013 1/2 is a half note, 1/4 a quarter etc Yep. But you want to make sure your delay is set to sync to the master BPM which it probably is. But make sure. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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