Members BenStoller Posted July 6, 2014 Members Share Posted July 6, 2014 Here is a song I wrote entitled Well Runs Dry. https://soundcloud.com/benjaminstoller/well-runs-dry I'd like to get some feedback on the song itself. I can't sing or play worth a damn, but I could see more talented performers making something of my songs. Here are the lyrics: Well Runs Dry - by Ben Stoller © 2014 Verse:My radio was drowned out by the factory sirenWorkers lined up for their hard earned payI had to get away from the boredom and dejectionI tried to keep believing but it slipped away Verse:I hitched a ride down southbound Highway 67In no real hurry to get anywhereScored a ride in the back of a beat up Chevy pickupLay against my duffel bag in the open air Verse:We found each other in a downtown cafeYou were reading poetry and drinking teaWe talked about the war and we talked about musicYou were trying to decide what you wanted to be. Verse:The campus clock tower showed quarter after fourI walked you home under your neighborhood trees,A Palladian villa with columns and tall windowsSurprised you'd want to be seen with somebody like me? Verse:We got a small apartment in the south-end of the VillageAll the poets and actors you'd want to meetWe danced that night and rode home in a carriagePulled by two horses through the city streets Solo over verse chords Verse:She headed back home on that rainy day in fallFrom the train window she waved goodbyeShe said we'd keep on going but I knew that wouldn't happen.You never miss your water until the well runs dry Chorus:Slurries of mud banks and stonesChampagne and plans postponedThere ain’t no denying that I’m addicted to youHad to find out the hard wayMaybe we’ll meet again some day Verse:We lost each other in open waters,swimming back through the undertowWe sailed through the sorrows of life's maraudersAnd crashed into the shore, how was I to know. Verse:We are the shadows of our own makingWe’ve all been hurt, it's our destinyShe was chasing butterflies, puppy dogs, and rainbowsI was following train tracks into the sea (chorus) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rickidoo Posted July 6, 2014 Members Share Posted July 6, 2014 I immediately liked the vibe of the song. A slight sense of Jim Croce. A good thing! Your vocals work nicely for this song. Don't knock them. A thought the verses went on too long before hitting the chorus. Lyrics held my interest as a story song. The chorus, melodically, was not up to the level of the verses. I think it could be finessed to work however. The verses tell a tail, and the story grows in tension, but the chorus, to me, doesn't release it musically. Keep it going!!! I REALLY like what is taking root here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted July 7, 2014 Members Share Posted July 7, 2014 I think it's a good narrative song, but I see opportunities for refinement. Here are my thoughts: 1. A number of the lines have too many syllables so the singer is forced to rush them. for example Surprised you'd want to be seen with somebody like me? would sing better as Surprised you'd want to be with someone like me?andYou never miss your water until the well runs dry would sing better as You never miss your water 'til the well runs dryThere are others, but I'll leave you to do the exercise of finding them. 2. The song is 5 minutes long, and it could be shortened if you want. The 1st two verses are surplus to the needs of the song. Consider dropping them and start the song with 'We found each other…...'I find it a more interesting opener than you being bored and dejected and hitching a ride on the back of a pickup - done to death - yawn……. 3. I agree with Rick that the Chorus is melodically less than the verses. I too would suggest you work on that.But also the subject matter of the Chorus misses an opportunity. It's an old technique, but has stood the test of time. That is - using the song title as a melodic and lyric hook that repeats.Where you finish the verse with You never miss your water 'til the well runs dry - Keep that but re-introduce it again in the chorus.And sustain the metaphor in the Chorus. You can develop something better than this (which is off the top of my head), but something like: When a well runs dry you still need waterYou can look to the earth or for rain in the skySome things we take for granted and learn the hard way That you never miss the water 'til the well runs dry Anyway - chew this over and see if there's anything you can use……. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mikeo Posted July 7, 2014 Members Share Posted July 7, 2014 Kinda cool, but it's like 3 minutes in to the song before you get to the chorus. Might want to shorten up the verses and get to the chorus sooner. That's might be just me Chorus:Slurries of mud banks and stonesChampagne and plans postponedThere ain’t no denying that I’m addicted to youHad to find out the hard wayMaybe we’ll meet again some day Verse:She headed back home on that rainy day in fallFrom the train window she waved goodbyeShe said we'd keep on going but I knew that wouldn't happen.You never miss your water until the well runs dry What I might suggest it to take the best parts of the that verse that mentions the well running dry and the best of the chorus and get yourself a chorus that hits home. I'm suggesting some thing like this From the mud banks of stonesChampagne plans postponedFound out the hard way, will meet again somedayFrom the train window she waved goodbyeYou never miss your water until the well runs dry I would also edit out all unnecessary works from the verses. example hitched a ride southbound Highway 67No hurry to get anywhereScored a ride in a beat up pickupLaying against my duffel bag, in the open air Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members BenStoller Posted July 7, 2014 Author Members Share Posted July 7, 2014 I immediately liked the vibe of the song. A slight sense of Jim Croce. A good thing! Your vocals work nicely for this song. Don't knock them. A thought the verses went on too long before hitting the chorus. Lyrics held my interest as a story song. The chorus, melodically, was not up to the level of the verses. I think it could be finessed to work however. The verses tell a tail, and the story grows in tension, but the chorus, to me, doesn't release it musically. Keep it going!!! I REALLY like what is taking root here. Thanks, rick! People used to tell me I looked like Jim Croce when I was younger. Not so much any more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members BenStoller Posted July 7, 2014 Author Members Share Posted July 7, 2014 I think it's a good narrative song, but I see opportunities for refinement. Here are my thoughts: 1. A number of the lines have too many syllables so the singer is forced to rush them. for example Surprised you'd want to be seen with somebody like me? would sing better as Surprised you'd want to be with someone like me? and You never miss your water until the well runs dry would sing better as You never miss your water 'til the well runs dry There are others, but I'll leave you to do the exercise of finding them. 2. The song is 5 minutes long, and it could be shortened if you want. The 1st two verses are surplus to the needs of the song. Consider dropping them and start the song with 'We found each other…...' I find it a more interesting opener than you being bored and dejected and hitching a ride on the back of a pickup - done to death - yawn……. 3. I agree with Rick that the Chorus is melodically less than the verses. I too would suggest you work on that. But also the subject matter of the Chorus misses an opportunity. It's an old technique, but has stood the test of time. That is - using the song title as a melodic and lyric hook that repeats. Where you finish the verse with You never miss your water 'til the well runs dry - Keep that but re-introduce it again in the chorus. And sustain the metaphor in the Chorus. You can develop something better than this (which is off the top of my head), but something like: When a well runs dry you still need water You can look to the earth or for rain in the sky Some things we take for granted and learn the hard way That you never miss the water 'til the well runs dry Anyway - chew this over and see if there's anything you can use……. I tried the song without the first two verses and a chorus after the verse about the girl's neighborhood, and it's like the difference between an album cut and a pop song. But it works! I'll re-record it in the new format. I'll also fool around with your other suggestions. Thanks for your help! Ben Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members BenStoller Posted July 7, 2014 Author Members Share Posted July 7, 2014 Kinda cool, but it's like 3 minutes in to the song before you get to the chorus. Might want to shorten up the verses and get to the chorus sooner. That's might be just me Chorus: Slurries of mud banks and stones Champagne and plans postponed There ain’t no denying that I’m addicted to you Had to find out the hard way Maybe we’ll meet again some day Verse: She headed back home on that rainy day in fall From the train window she waved goodbye She said we'd keep on going but I knew that wouldn't happen. You never miss your water until the well runs dry What I might suggest it to take the best parts of the that verse that mentions the well running dry and the best of the chorus and get yourself a chorus that hits home. I'm suggesting some thing like this From the mud banks of stones Champagne plans postponed Found out the hard way, will meet again someday From the train window she waved goodbye You never miss your water until the well runs dry I would also edit out all unnecessary works from the verses. example hitched a ride southbound Highway 67 No hurry to get anywhere Scored a ride in a beat up pickup Laying against my duffel bag, in the open air Good suggestions, Mike! I'm eliminating the first two verses and adding another chorus to make it an AAB-AAB-AAB format. I'll think about your suggestions when re-writing it. Thanks! Ben Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mikeo Posted July 9, 2014 Members Share Posted July 9, 2014 oldgitplayer is right about the wordy ness of the lyrics. There not much breathing room Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted July 9, 2014 Members Share Posted July 9, 2014 Hey Ben, listening over here and I still feel like this song is begging to be a 2:30 pleasure ride. I know you wanted to see how it sounded to stretch things in a different direction, but it feels to me like you are working against what the song wants. I like that you are looking at a more standard format, but I'd consider dropping even more verses and run with a AABABAB format. Oh, and I still think that you might want to rewrite the chorus to something that pops a little more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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