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  • Too Loud

    So while working on another song, I came up with this riff and quickly threw this recording together. Again, quality not the best audio wise or vocally, but meh. I only have a pcm recorder and I'm not a singer. Tell me what you think lyrically and musically. You can judge my vocals if you want but like I said.... 

     

    (Title Currently Under Construction)

     http://anthonylong.bandcamp.com/track/you-get-what-you-give

     

    You Get What You Give(?) 

    It's hard to believe
    Given what I know.
    Can't Take a leap of faith
    Because my faith didn't grow.

    I hear the truth
    But wait for reprise.
    You've done your worst
    So I can't recognize.

    An oasis when I see it
    It's a mirage 'til I feel it.
    You take back what you give
    And more if I need it.
    I'm dry as a stone, now
    All skin and bone
    You cut open my wrist
    And decided to bleed it.

    A silver tongue
    Gets you what you want
    But with an iron lung
    You've always sung

    This same old song
    Until your throat was soar
    And you sang it all the way
    To the door.

    I'll break your hand
    When you reach for my food.
    I'll hold you back
    When you go near my shoes.
    I'll walk away
    When I see you drown
    You get what you give
    Its your turn now.


  • #2

    The open is cool, but you'd have a much strong verse if you tamed it by strumming the guitar once per chord.  So, do a single strum at 0:38, then another at 0:40, etc.  Not only would the verse be much cooler, but the chorus would seem more vibrant by comparison.

    As for the lyric, I could take it or leave it.  We all enjoy a cathartic "I hate you" tune, so if the music is strong enough it could probably work.  There isn't anything that jumps out as being particularly good to me, though.

    The chorus is where you earn your money in a song like this, so I'll point out two weak spots there:

    "When you go near my shoes."

    What?  That is almost certainly written for the rhyme.

    "And your too loud"

    You need a much stronger line to serve as the anchor of the song.  Despite the weak "shoes" line, the chorus makes it clear how you feel about this person and then your killer line is "you're too loud"?  That line needs a serious upgrade.

    One other thing, I know you aren't a singer, but you have to turn up the vocals a little bit anyway.  I could barely hear them making it almost impossible to say much about the attempted vocal melody.

    Don't listen to Justin.
    LCK - 2/21/2012

    Comment


    • Uh_Me
      Uh_Me commented
      Editing a comment

      Thanks for the input. The "shoes" line" has the same meaning as the "food" line. That they've taken enough, done enough damage and now your putting a stop to it.

       

      But I'll try the slowing it down a bit during the verse. Might make it a little easier to sing too lol.


  • #3

    Uh\_Me wrote:

    So while working on another song, I came up with this riff and quickly threw this recording together. Again, quality not the best audio wise or vocally, but meh. I only have a pcm recorder and I'm not a singer. Tell me what you think lyrically and musically. You can judge my vocals if you want but like I said....


     


    http://anthonylong.bandcamp.com/track/too-loud


     


    Too Loud


    I find it hard to believe 
    Given What I know 
    Can't take a leap of faith 
    'Cause my faith didn't grow. 

    I hear the truth 
    But Can't recognize. 
    You've done your worst 
    Now I stay paralyzed. 

    chorus: 
    I break your hand 
    when you reach for my food. 
    I hold you back 
    When you go near my shoes. 
    I walk away 
    when I see you drown. 
    I'm having a good day 
    And your too loud 

    A silver tongue 
    Gets you what you want 
    But with an iron lung 
    You've always sung 

    This same old song 
    Until your throat was sore 
    And you sang it 
    All the way to the door 
    (Chorus)


     


     




    grin


    There's always room for a good put-down song!


    Since this is the songwriting forum and not the super-slick-studio-production forum, and you've already acknowledged some compromises in that department, we'll leave recording quality aside. wink.gif


    I enjoyed the cheekiness -- and that stabbing guitar stretch/squeal that starts the solo made my day. 


    And, while it is, without question, something of a throwaway, it has a message, stays on point through the verses, and has a couple of colorful bits supporting its central message. 


    Now... the chorus... I'm not saying it doesn't kind of work in here, given the givens, but it gives me the vibe that it's almost from a different song/context. From the rest of the song, I get the impression that the target of the song's ire is an overblown, self-important rockstar or wannabe rockstar type.


    But if I look at the words of the chorus, they almost seem like they're from a song about living on the street -- the defensiveness about the food and shoes, see, and maybe the disregard for the other guy's very existence (which seems kind of on-the-edge, shrugging off someone else's life and death). 


    So, while the tone of derision and contempt is consistent, the shift between the 'rockstar' angles (which I might be misinterpretting for that matter) and the chorus bit seems like it opens up more questions than it answers...


     


    Now, I get the sense that this wasn't necessarily meant to be a work of great literary moment, something to go down through the ages.  wink.gif So, while you might want to rework it, you might also simply take what you've learned and move on to the next song.

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    Comment


    • Oswlek
      Oswlek commented
      Editing a comment

      Funny, I noticed the same homeless guy vibe as well.


  • #4

    So, I listned to this one again, and realized I didn't like it. At all (save the lyric). So I did a MAJOR overhaul on the music and I really think it makes it better. Its not something I would normally write (a garage rock, riff oriented thing), but I like it sorta. I changed the last line of the chorus, and slowed down the song a bit. Some input?

     

    http://anthonylong.bandcamp.com/track/im-having-a-good-day-dont-ruin-it-now

     

    Edit:lol, so I can edit posts, huh? My bad.

    Comment


    • LCK
      LCK commented
      Editing a comment

      I'm not a member of Band Camp, so I can't listen.



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