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"Kristin" - gem of something/finished lyric?

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  • "Kristin" - gem of something/finished lyric?

    One of the songs on my theoretical LP of Sinatra songs ends with the lines:

     

    How unwise to have been outsmarted
    by this twist in life's oldest game
    Now the songs of the broken hearted
    fill each passing breeze with sad melodies
    that whisper your name.

     

    Now I don't know if it would be cool or uncool to follow that song with one that opens with a girl's name. So, thinking it might be a cool idea, this sort of came to me today as a possibility.

    There are two songs that could serve as basic models for this.

     

    "Kristin"

    1.
    Kristin.
    Kristin, Kristin, Kristin
    recalls the mist of a May time rose,
    the kiss of Christmas snowflakes
    that melt on your cheeks and nose.

     

    2.

    Kristin.
    Kristin, Kristin, Kristin
    a silver star at the break of day,
    or a lingering desert sunset
    that

    “Good Vibrations” was probably a good record but who's to know? You had to play it about 90 bloody times to even hear what they were singing about. What’s next? Rock opera? —Pete Townshend, Melody Maker Interview, 1966.

  • #2

    I did a little more work on it...

     

    1.
    Kristin.
    Kristin, Kristin, Kristin
    recalls the mist of a May time rose,
    and the kiss of Christmas snowflakes
    as they melt on your cheeks and nose.


    2.
    Kristin.
    Kristin, Kristin, Kristin
    a single star at the close of day,
    two sleeping bags zipped up as one
    in the chill of the setting autumn sun
    above the rim of the canyon

    “Good Vibrations” was probably a good record but who's to know? You had to play it about 90 bloody times to even hear what they were singing about. What’s next? Rock opera? —Pete Townshend, Melody Maker Interview, 1966.

    Comment


    • oldgitplayer
      oldgitplayer commented
      Editing a comment

      The shift from the kiss of Christmas snowflakesmelting on a cheek in V1 to the somewhat rugged image of sleeping bags in V2 (imagination filled in hiking boots and other outback paraphanalia), was a bit of a difficult leap for me.


       


  • #3
    He shoots he scores

    I love it
    __________
    Ain't no sacrilege to call Elvis king
    Dad is great and all but he never could sing -
    Jesus

    Comment


    • #4
      Personally... I love "is the glistening dew on a rose". "Is" and "glis" are nicely closed with the tongue on front hard palate and your consonant "dew".

      I think that line really works
      __________
      Ain't no sacrilege to call Elvis king
      Dad is great and all but he never could sing -
      Jesus

      Comment


      • LCK
        LCK commented
        Editing a comment

        Lee Knight wrote:
        Personally... I love "is the glistening dew on a rose". "Is" and "glis" are nicely closed with the tongue on front hard palate and your consonant "dew".

        I think that line really works

        Cool. Thanks.


      • djohn11s
        djohn11s commented
        Editing a comment

        +1


    • #5

      LCK wrote:

      "Kristin"

      1.
      Kristin.
      Kristin, Kristin, Kristin
      recalls the mist of a May time rose,
      the kiss of Christmas snowflakes
      that melt on your cheeks and nose.

      2.

      Kristin.
      Kristin, Kristin, Kristin
      a silver star at the break of day,
      or a lingering desert sunset
      that

      “Good Vibrations” was probably a good record but who's to know? You had to play it about 90 bloody times to even hear what they were singing about. What’s next? Rock opera? —Pete Townshend, Melody Maker Interview, 1966.

      Comment


      • Crqc
        Crqc commented
        Editing a comment

        LCK wrote:

        LCK wrote:

        "Kristin"

        1.
        Kristin.
        Kristin, Kristin, Kristin
        recalls the mist of a May time rose,
        the kiss of Christmas snowflakes
        that melt on your cheeks and nose.

        2.

        Kristin.
        Kristin, Kristin, Kristin
        a silver star at the break of day,
        or a lingering desert sunset
        that


    • #6
      Looks great! But I still really prefer:

      She's the mystery of where summer goes

      It's a mildly awkward line and yet... It feels right to me
      __________
      Ain't no sacrilege to call Elvis king
      Dad is great and all but he never could sing -
      Jesus

      Comment


      • oldgitplayer
        oldgitplayer commented
        Editing a comment

        It's got even better, but I agree with Lee. Woman is a mystery - I don't care how many times I hear it.

        The one thing that strikes me however is the final line I couldn't make her stay. I know we use the phrase in colloquial usage, but the actual words imply coercion. Is their perhaps another way of putting it? Or maybe it's not necessary, in that the colloquial,  I couldn't make her stay is the best way of saying it.


      • LCK
        LCK commented
        Editing a comment

        Lee Knight wrote:
        Looks great! But I still really prefer:

        She's the mystery of where summer goes

        It's a mildly awkward line and yet... It feels right to me

        First of all, thanks.

        Secondly, you make a very good point. The thing is I didn't want to repeat the "myst" in the first verse with "mist" in the second. That's why I made the change. But you're right. The original is a much better line than its replacement.

        So for the 2nd verse: "Wisps made of fog?" "Whispers of fog?" or just back to "mists of the night that drift away?"

         



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