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  • An attempt at gospel music (Deathbed Conversion)

    Another rough demo.  I couldn't tinker with it too much, as I needed the a tempo intro, which means I couldn't get it "on grid", which means I couldn't do much editing or cutting/pasting.  There's a few spots that are sticking for me, and I've made a couple edits since recording this last night, but I'd like some feedback on how it's working so far.

    Deathbed Conversion

    Intro:

    I've been paging through the Bible, from Genesis to Revelations

    Trying to find the easy way to get that sweet salvation

    I had all but given up on saving my immortal soul

    But I think I might have found a loophole.

    Verse 1:

    I enjoy the company of girls with reputations

    Spending evenings chasing down the bottom of a glass

    Now I know ths puts me on the path to hellfire and damnation

    But I've got a plan to clear my name before I pass

    Chorus:

    (Deathbed conversion) as I'm approaching death

    (Deathbed conversion) I'll repent with my last breath

    (Deathbed conversion) I'll grab onto my savior's hand

    and I won't get go until he drags me to the promised land.

    Verse 2:

    There is no wickedness so great that it can't be forgiven

    And Jesus loves to hear the prayers of a regretful man

    So get your money's worth now, do some living while you're living

    And you can dodge the Devil, if you just stick to the plan

    Chorus

    Verse 3:

    Why live a life of earthly virtue and eschew the pleasures here,

    wake up early every Sunday when you hear the steeple bell

    When you can stay out every Saturday, drink whiskey, wine, and beer,

    And make it to the pearly gates with a story to tell?

    Chorus

    <div class="signaturecontainer"><a href="http://jukejointhandmedowns.com" target="_blank">Jukejoint Handmedowns (my band)</a><br />
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    <a href="http://itunes.apple.com/us/album/everything-but-the-squeal/id517608194" target="_blank">Find our album on iTunes!</a><br />
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    <img src="images/misc/quote_icon.png" alt="Quote" /> Originally Posted by <strong>gennation</strong>
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  • #2

    Chicken Monkey wrote:

    Another rough demo.  I couldn't tinker with it too much, as I needed the a tempo intro, which means I couldn't get it "on grid", which means I couldn't do much editing or cutting/pasting.  There's a few spots that are sticking for me, and I've made a couple edits since recording this last night, but I'd like some feedback on how it's working so far.

    Deathbed Conversion

    Intro:

    I've been paging through the Bible, from Genesis to Revelations

    Trying to find the easy way to get that sweet salvation

    I had all but given up on saving my immortal soul

    But I think I might have found a loophole.

    Verse 1:

    I enjoy the company of girls with reputations

    Spending evenings chasing down the bottom of a glass

    Now I know ths puts me on the path to hellfire and damnation

    But I've got a plan to clear my name before I pass

    Chorus:

    (Deathbed conversion) as I'm approaching death

    (Deathbed conversion) I'll repent with my last breath

    (Deathbed conversion) I'll grab onto my savior's hand

    and I won't get go until he drags me to the promised land.

    Verse 2:

    There is no wickedness so great that it can't be forgiven

    And Jesus loves to hear the prayers of a regretful man

    So get your money's worth now, do some living while you're living

    And you can dodge the Devil, if you just stick to the plan

    Chorus

    Verse 3:

    Why live a life of earthly virtue and eschew the pleasures here,

    wake up early every Sunday when you hear the steeple bell

    When you can stay out every Saturday, drink whiskey, wine, and beer,

    And make it to the pearly gates with a story to tell?

    Chorus


    Really terrific. Both versions (the printed lyric and the one you're singing).

    I can't think of any changes that need to be made. It's a great song.

    "I write from a different place. I do not even know what it is called, or if it has a name. It just comes and I sculpt it. But it is also a lot of hard work." —Van Morrison

    Comment


    • #3

      One of the most clever songs I have heard in a while!!!  Love the lyrics, their originality, and playfulness, and a bit of social commentary thrown in as well.

      The tune supports it well.


      Bravo.


      Rick

       

       

       

      <div class="signaturecontainer"><i>&quot;Now and then... occasionally... it seems to have.... too many notes&quot;</i><br></div>

      Comment


      • oldgitplayer
        oldgitplayer commented
        Editing a comment

        Good stuff CM - I like it goodly.

        The one thing that struck me was the word 'conversion'. Strictly speaking it is used when changing from one religion to another. How about, 'Deathbed Repentance' as the hook and title? The process you describe is really about repentance - not conversion.

        But even if you stay with 'conversion', people know what you mean.


    • #4

      I think it's working great so far.  I'd stick with "conversion" rather than "repentance."  Deathbed conversion is a well-known phrase that describes getting religion at the last minute, even if it isn't technically correct.

      A thought: The lines in the first verse about girls with reputations and drinking immediately made me think of the parts of the Bible where Jesus drinks wine and hangs out with hookers.  It seems like a great opportunity for a double entendre, though I'm not sure how you would execute it.

      Beware of deepities.<br>-- Daniel Dennett

      Comment


      • oldgitplayer
        oldgitplayer commented
        Editing a comment

        Monkey Uncle wrote:

        I think it's working great so far.  I'd stick with "conversion" rather than "repentance."  Deathbed conversion is a well-known phrase that describes getting religion at the last minute, even if it isn't technically correct.


        OK - I'm not familiar with the phrase - I guess I mainly know people who die 'wicked' or thereabouts.


    • #5
      Great stuff! Nice twist on the old "There are no atheists in foxholes". Sort if a cool and funny update of the old saying.

      I've got a couple of ideas, granted, these might be my personal preferences driving my input, so as always, take it or leave it.

      --- It doesn't feel like you've got your sung lyric firing its natural stress points in the most symbiotic way. The melody accents and stresses feel at odds with the lyric. A simple matter of shifting things and bunching up and elongating by an 1/8 note here or there.

      --- Your use of the II chord (if you're in C, the D7) feels a little undercooked. I'd modify it to include a I bass or even something like that C chord shape slid up 2 frets. But really, the fact that you use it as much as you do, both in the verse and the chorus.... It feels s little like "new chord overuse" that a starter might fall prey. I'd dole at the chord more stategically and more artfully with a clever modification. And save the hard II got the tail of the chorus only, if anywhere.

      --- When I first listened, as much as I was taken by the clever idea and execution, it struck me that it feels like it wants another layer of twist. The idea above, from MU, of using Jesus drinking wine and preaching to whores, I agree that that it feels like a perfect opportunity to make an absurd connection and justification to be used by the singer, "I'm just following in Jesus' footsteps Hallelujah !", that might be a very funny and the perfect end of song applause and laughter cue for a massive ZING at the end,

      And if it seems I'll have lived a life rife with regret... (pause)...
      I'm just following... (pause)... In Jesus' Foot... Steps!

      Boom. Back into tempo and the final chorus. Or not.

      Great stuff CM
      __________
      Your god doesn't exist but my god does and he is all loving. If you disagree with me I'll kill you. - Prince Ea

      Comment


      • Chicken Monkey
        Chicken Monkey commented
        Editing a comment

        Lee Knight wrote:
        --- When I first listened, as much as I was taken by the clever idea and execution, it struck me that it feels like it wants another layer of twist. The idea above, from MU, of using Jesus drinking wine and preaching to whores, I agree that that it feels like a perfect opportunity to make an absurd connection and justification to be used by the singer, "I'm just following in Jesus' footsteps Hallelujah !", that might be a very funny and the perfect end of song applause and laughter cue for a massive ZING at the end,

        And if it seems I'll have lived a life rife with regret... (pause)...
        I'm just following... (pause)... In Jesus' Foot... Steps!


        I love this idea, but through the 3-4 times I've rewritten my attempt, I can't get it to not sound smug/self-righteous.  Maybe I'm splitting hairs in not wanting my self-aware scumbag to turn into a self-righteous scumbag, but so far it's beyond my powers to write a big finish.

        While I was trying, though, I found most of a bridge, about the mansions on a hill that you hear about in heaven, but settling for a double-wide/condo/etc. out back, as long as I get in.  Still cooking that one.

        One revision I can't get perspective on--I'm thinking of changing the final line of the final verse to, 
        "meet St. Pete on the pearly street with a story to tell".

        I like the internal rhymes, and the meter overall fits the melody way better, but I'm afraid "St. Pete" is too annoyingly colloquial, and "pearly street" is kind of a stretch from the accepted "pearly gates".


    • #6
      I don't really see how you would lose meaning by replacing "as I'm approaching death." I mean you're saying deathbed conversion, I think we mostly know what that means and as it stands now, it's redundant. I mean, you're saying the same thing more than once. (see what I did there )

      I really like "repent with my last breath" but the only rhymes I could come up with for breath were death, meth, and Macbeth. Hmmmm.... I think you could use "less." It isn't perfect but I think it'll sing close enough to not matter.
      ...

      Comment


      • Chicken Monkey
        Chicken Monkey commented
        Editing a comment

        rhino55 wrote:
        I don't really see how you would lose meaning by replacing "as I'm approaching death." I mean you're saying deathbed conversion, I think we mostly know what that means and as it stands now, it's redundant. I mean, you're saying the same thing more than once. (see what I did there )

        I really like "repent with my last breath" but the only rhymes I could come up with for breath were death, meth, and Macbeth. Hmmmm.... I think you could use "less." It isn't perfect but I think it'll sing close enough to not matter.

        That's kind of what I'm getting at--"repent with my last breath" is the most concise summation of the song's idea I think I can manage, and dropping "death" would either force a rhyme or cause me to drop the line I like so much.


      • LeonardScaper
        LeonardScaper commented
        Editing a comment

        I listened without reading and that 'death' redundancy did not stick out to me at all. The split delivery solves the problem.

        Great tune!


    • #7

      I'm going to bump this, because I wrote a bridge that I'm not sure about.  I haven't recorded it yet, but I'm exclusively concerned about the lyrics.  As usual, I won't share my specific concerns, as I don't want to direct the conversation, but here it is:

      They say in heaven there are many mansions on a hill

      To house the saints into eternity

      I've never set foot in a mansion, and I guess I never will,

      A lot in heaven's trailer court is good enough for me

       

      The rhythm/meter is awkward written, but I'm not worried about it, as it sings OK.  Any opinions on this near-complete tune appreciated.

      <div class="signaturecontainer"><a href="http://jukejointhandmedowns.com" target="_blank">Jukejoint Handmedowns (my band)</a><br />
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      <a href="http://itunes.apple.com/us/album/everything-but-the-squeal/id517608194" target="_blank">Find our album on iTunes!</a><br />
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      <img src="images/misc/quote_icon.png" alt="Quote" /> Originally Posted by <strong>gennation</strong>
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      • LCK
        LCK commented
        Editing a comment

        Chicken Monkey wrote:

        I'm going to bump this, because I wrote a bridge that I'm not sure about.  I haven't recorded it yet, but I'm exclusively concerned about the lyrics.  As usual, I won't share my specific concerns, as I don't want to direct the conversation, but here it is:

        They say in heaven there are many mansions on a hill

        To house the saints into eternity

        I've never set foot in a mansion, and I guess I never will,

        A lot in heaven's trailer court is good enough for me

         

        The rhythm/meter is awkward written, but I'm not worried about it, as it sings OK.  Any opinions on this near-complete tune appreciated.


        It seems awkward in spots, but I'd have to hear it sung to know whether it really is when sung.

        The only thing that sticks out for me is "a lot in heaven's trailer court..." It seems to me that trailer parks (or trailer courts) don't have "lots," they have -- what? -- spots? plots? -- I don't know what the right word is but the word "lot" suggests a much bigger space.


      • rhino55
        rhino55 commented
        Editing a comment
        "I've never set foot in a mansion, and I guess I never will"

        What a great line.

        Here they are referred to as lots as well. The only thing that isn't sitting just right for me is the article that goes with that term though. Paired with 'a' it almost sounds like 'alot' which is confusing. It obviously becomes clear when you mention 'trailer court,' but I think it would be beneficial to avoid that all together.

        couple ideas:

        Any lot in heaven's trailer park is good enough for me

        If heaven has a trailer park, any lot is good enough for me

    • #8
      May be a regionalism, but a trailer court (which is an antique euphemism for trailer park) is divided into lots. You buy a trailer, then rent the lot you keep your trailer on.
      <div class="signaturecontainer"><a href="http://jukejointhandmedowns.com" target="_blank">Jukejoint Handmedowns (my band)</a><br />
      <br />
      <a href="http://itunes.apple.com/us/album/everything-but-the-squeal/id517608194" target="_blank">Find our album on iTunes!</a><br />
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      <img src="images/misc/quote_icon.png" alt="Quote" /> Originally Posted by <strong>gennation</strong>
      <a href="showthread.php?p=42081230#post42081230" rel="nofollow"><img class="inlineimg" src="images/buttons/viewpost-right.png" alt="View Post" /></a>
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      • #9
        Sounds great to me, lot is the term I've always heard, love the bridge lyric
        __________
        Your god doesn't exist but my god does and he is all loving. If you disagree with me I'll kill you. - Prince Ea

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        • stickboymusic
          stickboymusic commented
          Editing a comment

          can I be a pain and get you to post the full song lyrics again but including this bit.

           

           



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