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Stream of consciousness lyrics...trash...or treasure?

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  • Stream of consciousness lyrics...trash...or treasure?

    Scrambled eggs

    Oh baby how I love your legs


    OK, not that one. But I had the acoustic guitar out last night working up a sound for a riff I liked and while I was listening back to it I leaned into the out front mic and sang a few lyrics. 

    http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12510721

    I've been staring down the barrel

    And therein lies the case against me 

    Now that I'm wearing cheap apparel 

    I can finally see  

    That squaring off with the folks around me

    Ain't the way to be                                                                                                                                                                                                            

    Now I'll admit that I write this way often...that is, I get a riff that feels good and just sing something against it. Those first lyrics seldom stick. This set, however, may have potential. I kind of like the complex metaphor that puts the character under pressure in a somewhat transient circumstance with a possible personality disorder.

    So....I know it's busy around here, but if anybody has any ideas, either lyrically or conceptually that they might like to offer....

    I'll be spending some time on the musical development while the stew simmers.

    Regards to all                                                                                                                             

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

                

    Leonard Scaper

  • #2

    I like it. I'd go with it.

    “Good Vibrations” was probably a good record but who's to know? You had to play it about 90 bloody times to even hear what they were singing about. What’s next? Rock opera? —Pete Townshend, Melody Maker Interview, 1966.

    Comment


    • #3

      sounds like a guy in a shotgun wedding wearing a cheap rented tux....which can be a good metaphor for all sorts of situations....

       

      nat whilk ii

      Comment


      • LeonardScaper
        LeonardScaper commented
        Editing a comment

        I like that....damn!

        Could make for a good story tune.....seriously good idea.

        I wonder where else this thing might go. 


    • #4
      It music sounds awesome! The words have a natural flow that use the mid phrase rhymed nicely. But I question if you are going to ultimately be happy with its lack of logic. If you're set on that, well, it does work. But it's not so nonsesical to be playful. Ultimately it doesn't mean anything. And you've already said as much so... You know this. But what if the stuff below DID tie together supporting a narrative thread?

      I've been staring down the barrel
      And therein lies the case against me
      Now that I'm wearing cheap apparel
      I can finally see
      That squaring off with the folks around me
      Ain't the way to be

      Therein is not the case against you. but your penance, the shell. Cheap apparel seems an odd gateway to clear, true perception. These leaps of logic would be simple to bridge while keeping what REALLY works about this; the way your rhyme, word choice for sound, and your phrasing all work with your cool music. If those cool images were tied together in a logic that furthered a specific point... it would be pure magic.

      Or not. It really works fine as is, albeit, with the possible caveats I mentioned. This one is lightning in a bottle. Find where the electricity is in it and don't lose that!
      __________
      Ain't no sacrilege to call Elvis king
      Dad is great and all but he never could sing -
      Jesus

      Comment


      • #5
        Just riffing on possibilities. No keepers, just playing for inspiration. Do you know mystic river? Old friends, but the one with the gun is set to "correct" a SERIOUS misstep involving his daughter. And there's this guy on his knees with a gun to his head, childhood friends, and lots of tears all around. Great book/movie.

        Anyway, what about a simple fall from grace in the ranks of the edge dwellers?

        I've been staring down the barrel
        And therein lies the price I'll pay
        On my knees wearing cheap apparel
        Flashing on better days
        Squaring off with these folks around me
        Ain't the way to be
        __________
        Ain't no sacrilege to call Elvis king
        Dad is great and all but he never could sing -
        Jesus

        Comment


        • LeonardScaper
          LeonardScaper commented
          Editing a comment

          Yeah.....I'm starting really like this one. Played around with it in my head this morning asking myself....what do I want it to mean...where do I want it to go?

          I don't think I want it to be a specific 'story song'....you know me, I tend to stick with the 'lesson songs'. So I'm thinking that this character is faced with a life decision...something that needs to be decided NOW. Perhaps he has been in this situation before and made the wrong decision...hence the attire and the attitude.

          I'm thinking that I might be able to keep the specifics of the decision somewhat nebulous to the listener....with lots of metaphor....to enable them to apply the song's meaning to something that they may be going through....or may have gone through.

          I've been staring down the barrel
          And therein lies the price I might pay
          On my knees wearing the cheap apparel 
          Of this passing phase 
          Squaring off with life like this
          Might not be the way

          Thanks for the great help with this possible opening verse, Lee.


      • #6
        Nice! ^^^
        __________
        Ain't no sacrilege to call Elvis king
        Dad is great and all but he never could sing -
        Jesus

        Comment


        • #7
          No way mine would've worked, for sure. I was just trying to illustrate how the lines could be tied together logically. To make it a through line. I didn't even consider making the meter work to his music.
          __________
          Ain't no sacrilege to call Elvis king
          Dad is great and all but he never could sing -
          Jesus

          Comment


          • mbfrancis
            mbfrancis commented
            Editing a comment

            I don't have much intelligent to say except that I don't think the word "therein" should be used in popular music - like maybe ever. (What's next, "heretofore"?)  

            The line could be "and RIGHT THERE lies the case against me" maybe?



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