the truth

I want the green of that hill

to rest there on our throne

to feel cool wind on my neck

then slowly turn to stone

grey among the stones around me

and drying flowers there

with nothing but a memory

which you neither know nor share

lovers come to sit by twos

sometimes the women look

too long at my quiet gaze

their men are not amused

they make up stories about me

paint legends on my side

the evening pissed out on my shoes

their smokes stubbed out on my eyes

and time is just a game they play

it's not for me and you

come and sit beside me

and let us speak the truth

lovers come and lovers go

with promises and lies

sometimes they are so sincere

that with the wind I sigh

a raven on my shoulder stands

he scares off other birds

he wants to be my messenger

but I never speak the word

I wait for an old woman

whose life is almost through

footfalls quiet on the path

I know that it is you

and all the years are nothing now

I smile at your face

my arms are strong returned to flesh

and I reach for your embrace

and love is just a game they play

it's not for me and you

come and sit beside me

and let us speak the truth

I like it , it's go a really nice flow.

Would like to hear it with music. What do you have in mind ?

I'm thinking it's about a statue ?

Good story.

It seems to me to move in and out of set rhythmic and rhyming patterns. Now, of course, it might all work, meter-wise, when mapped out to music... sometimes reading lyrics on the page doesn't really reveal the metric structures we subtly imply in our writing.

When run together, the first two lines are an odd fit. With re 27 mile stare... is it too soon to use this construction?

The And time is just a game they play stanza seems to have a real sing-songy meter that accentuates a certain childlike lilt to this stanza.

Sometimes they are so sincere / that with the rain I cry -- that feels really awkward to me. The next stanza also feels a bit ploppy, meter-wise. Some of this might work out when sung, but on the page, some of the rhymes feel forced and the move in and out of rhyming seems like it could be problematic.

Blue that's a pretty cool analysis

I occsionally did lose track f the meter just in reading

I kind of wonder if the sing songiness of the last stanza could work to accuentate the triteness of the "game playing"...maybe retard or drop out of meter for the last line for the payoff.

though, I think that can be dicey and I fear could just play like a contrivance- On the fence about that

Yeah... it's possible for song lyrics to look really awkward on the page and yet flow fine if sung the right way. You just gotta know when a two syllable word should be sung with five syllables.

You just gotta know when a two syllable word should be sung with five syllables .

I think the best thing to do is to sing the syllables straight and just put in "ugh, turn my channel up" every once in a while as kind of a "leap year" corrective constant

I just add some combination of baby or ooh, baby (as needed, syallabically speaking).

I just add some combination of baby or ooh, baby (as needed, syallabically speaking).

All responses excellent imput and suggestions which I will consider and for which I'm thankful, but this one seems best.

Perhaps the interjection of "oooh baby, I'm crazy, oh baby,and I don't mean maybe" every other line will help to cover the general earnest awkwardness and lack of any regular rhyme construction.

I am also considering inserting the line "chickens are coming and I just can't pretend!" at the end of every verse.

Still undecided tho.

[...edit: my archivist informs me that I used "ooh baby, I'm crazy, oh baby, and I don't mean maybe" in at least nine separate songs late last winter and the phrase is no longer effective as a dramatic or poetic device or as an excuse for bad behavior and that further, "chickens are coming and I just can't pretend!" is generally understood to be previously spoken for. I have done what I can to address your concerns and improve the piece. The rhyme remains irregular but the meter, in my humble opinion, kicks ass. Thanks again.]

I'm concerned that if you use that approach, your channel will be in grave danger of remaining down

This has been a recurring problem.

I note that the changes I have made somehow render the lyric less interesting to me. I think I'll just let it alone for a while or more.

I say there is no song which can't be improved by liberal interjections of the word baby and so much the better if you can sneak a don't mean maybe in, as well.

I do draw the line at any mention of scabies or rabies...

Oh wait... I just remembered, no... I don't... I used that rhyme in this verse:

"drawing the line" is for illustrators.

Well then, as an Illustrator...

I really like it. It's amazing how many songs look "odd" when written on a page, but flow so damn well with music. I've ready so many of them that I think I've developed a mental filter for it.

Some really cool imagery, though personally I feel the modern timeframe in these 2 lines

the evening pissed out on my shoes

their smokes stubbed out on my eyes

Takes away from the timelessness of the piece, ever so slightly.

I'd love to hear this put to music!