Yep, torque keys don't work. Well, they do, but they only measure the resistance of the rod turning in the lug, not the head tension. Now Drum Dials do work (to a certain extent), but they cost about $60, so I'm sure you're not interested. IMO, if you're not worried about getting a perfect sound and you just want to bash away, I would take the reso heads off and tune the batters up to a tone that sounds good to you and just go with that. That would be the fastest, easiest thing to do.
BTW, tuning drums is similar to putting a wheel on a car - tighten each lug an equal amount in a criss cross pattern...like THIS.
Have fun!