Members oldgitplayer Posted March 18, 2015 Members Share Posted March 18, 2015 I found myself getting irritated reading the paper this morning - the usual stuff about politicians etc.So I wrote this song. It's a 1st draft, so are there any suggestions? Promise Man V1A politician on my TV screenIs telling me todayOf freedom and prosperityThat soon will come my wayA harbinger of happinessThat will come to stay ChJust another promise manWith nothing in his hand(BV’s) Promise manMaking up some storiesAbout a promised land V2The preacher on my TV screenIs telling me todaySalvation that can be mineIf I change my waysAnd live a life of hope and faithThe way the big book says BridgeWell I never did get reliefFrom believing in beliefIt’s a fool that trusts a thiefWho’ll steal your life away ChJust another promise manWith nothing in his hand(BV’s) Promise manMaking up some storiesAbout a promised land Promise man, promise man…….. Possible riff for verse or chorus: http://picosong.com/2Mvy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members nat whilk II Posted March 18, 2015 Members Share Posted March 18, 2015 It's a good start. I like the concise lines, the directness. "with nothing in his hand" feels a bit like filler. You could use some more vibrant words and/or images, that would be a good line to bring something vivid and little off the beaten path, right after your title line. nat whilk ii Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted March 18, 2015 Members Share Posted March 18, 2015 I like a lot of this, even though righteous anger/earnestness is far from my happy place. I think you have a great idea , "Promise Man" meaning multiple things. I think you need third after politician and preacher, what else can work for the third verse? Of course these are easy targets, but I assume you're not going for nuance. I think "freedom and prosperity" is too tell vs show and "harbinger of happiness" is clunky. The second verse is fine, just very similar linguistically to a ton of songs, plain. Love the bridge. I would search for language which tells this well-told story in a different way. Hope this helps. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted March 18, 2015 Author Members Share Posted March 18, 2015 Thanks for the input - I'm not sure where I'm going with this at this point. The lyric just blurted itself out and it I know it needs some work.I've come up with a possible riff that I can use with the Verse or the Chorus. http://picosong.com/2Mvy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted March 18, 2015 Author Members Share Posted March 18, 2015 I think you need third after politician and preacher' date=' what else can work for the third verse? .[/quote'] I guess I could include the 'Guru' syndrome for a third category: V3 A guru took my headspace With offered peace of mind Samhadi or Nirvana Mystic and sublime Just make a large donation And all will then be mine Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted March 18, 2015 Members Share Posted March 18, 2015 Agree with everybody so far. I like V3 the most because it doesn't feel like it's been done as much as the politician/preacher verses. What if you switch politician and preacher? The preacher is offering freedom and prosperity and the politician salvation? It also seems like it would be more natural to just say TV instead of TV screen. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted March 18, 2015 Members Share Posted March 18, 2015 Love v3 too. Agree with everybody so far. I like V3 the most because it doesn't feel like it's been done as much as the politician/preacher verses. What if you switch politician and preacher? The preacher is offering freedom and prosperity and the politician salvation? Wow, that's a fantastic idea. Start with the politician offering salvation and the listener will think it's hyperbole, but then you have the "prosperity gospel" preacher and it's like 'bam!' You could google 'prosperity gospel' to get some good language, too. Not sure how v3 would work then, or if you need it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted March 18, 2015 Author Members Share Posted March 18, 2015 Great input - I'll keep broadening my base on who the promise men are and maybe move away from the obvious. Alternatively have a newer angle on the obvious. The 'prosperity gospel' sounds intriguing - good ol' US of A has everything. I'll see what I can find. You've got me thinking. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted March 20, 2015 Author Members Share Posted March 20, 2015 Well - here's a 2nd draft incorporating most of the suggestions made.Another round of comments would be appreciated……... Promise Man © 2015 Phil Burton V1 A politician on my TVIs telling me todaySalvation can be mineJust throw my vote his wayThere always will be hopeDo what the big man says Ch(BV’s) Promise manJust another promise manWith nothing in his hand(BV’s) Promise manMaking up some storyAbout a promised land V2 The preacher on the radioIs telling me todayOf freedom and prosperityThat soon will come my wayA guarantee of happinessI only have to pray BridgeWell I never did get reliefFrom believing in beliefIt’s a fool that trusts a thiefWho’ll steal your life away V3A guru filled my headspaceAnd offered peace of mindSamhadi or NirvanaMystic and sublimeJust make a large donationAnd all will soon be mine Ch(BV’s) Promise manJust another promise manWith nothing in his hand(BV’s) Promise manMaking up some storyAbout a promised land Promise man, promise man…….. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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