opinions on some lyrics

[devilboy]

Here's a work-in-progress that I keep taking on and off the shelf; it's v1, v2, bridge v3, v4--no chorus(?!?)--acoustic v1 & 2 and syncapated metal for v3 & 4.

 

your wretched hive offers nothing to me

there's your disdain and my misery

they come together and the damage is done

now there's a sorrow outdistancing me

 

you hide in the shadows and the darkness of night

your broken soul still harboring pride

the final conflict and the end has begun

you got some death to do and you blacken the sun

 

I know that there'll be no salvation

no resting in peace

you burn the sky and the angels will fall

to a scortched earth where you burry us all

 

I am not done with you

and you are not done with me

the poison runs through my veins

and now nothing's left of me

 

I know it's kinda tough to really get a feel without the music, but what would you guys do differently? Thanks.

[sansunzeste]

Ummm what's the point? There's no story. No picture painted in my head. No reason it seems. Its jut a bunch of evil sounding things put together. There are some great ideas of evilness but you need to organize them to address a point or a concept or story or something.

[ageofzeppelin]

I liked, and there seemed to be a story of a tragic relationship, which is good enough for me. I've had some of those.

The only thing I didn't like was the word "outdistancing" and the word "harboring" they didn't seem to flow properly.

[devilboy]

 

Originally posted by sansunzeste Ummm what's the point? There's no story. No picture painted in my head. No reason it seems. Its jut a bunch of evil sounding things put together. There are some great ideas of evilness but you need to organize them to address a point or a concept or story or something.

 

 

Interesting feedback; this is what I'm looking for. It's funny to me (not being objective and all) that you say there's no point or story, because, in my mind, they seemed very definitive: there's an evil force in the world today that overpowers everything in it's path, whether you recognize it or not and perhaps those who do recognize it suffer most. So, is there hope? The first person loses their battle, but the cry rings out to the listener, leaving them to pick up the torch and carry on. At least, that's what I'm wanting the story to say...

 

Thanks for the repply.

[devilboy]

 

Originally posted by ageofzeppelin I liked, and there seemed to be a story of a tragic relationship, which is good enough for me. I've had some of those. The only thing I didn't like was the word "outdistancing" and the word "harboring" they didn't seem to flow properly.

 

 

Thanks, those are some good and specific points to address. Keep 'em coming guys--the objective view is very helpful.

[BryanMichael]

Originally posted by devilboy Here's a work-in-progress that I keep taking on and off the shelf; it's v1, v2, bridge v3, v4--no chorus(?!?)--acoustic v1 & 2 and syncapated metal for v3 & 4. your wretched hive offers nothing to me there's your disdain and my misery they come together and the damage is done now there's a sorrow outdistancing me you hide in the shadows and the darkness of night your broken soul still harboring pride the final conflict and the end has begun you got some death to do and you blacken the sun I know that there'll be no salvation no resting in peace you burn the sky and the angels will fall to a scortched earth where you burry us all I am not done with you and you are not done with me the poison runs through my veins and now nothing's left of me I know it's kinda tough to really get a feel without the music, but what would you guys do differently? Thanks.

 

Hello,

After reading the previous posts I kind of agree with both:)

You definitely are writing about what you said you are writing about, but upon first read it wasn't that clear.

It kind of reminds me of a cross between "Sympathy for the Devil" and some Creed songs. Okay, from the sole "songwriting" standpoint I'll give you some ideas and edits that I think would improve it-

1.) Give us a title-then try to make everything relate back to the title. The lyrics should "prove" the title. Now, I'm not saying that every song has to have the title in the lyric and repeat it a million times (although that is one convention) but It may help to clarify for the listener.

2.) Is there a "chorus" or repeated refrain that may also "prove" what you are trying to get accross?-Maybe give a stab at writing one.

3.) You have some okay images (although a bit cliched at times, but who isn't?) with some Biblical Lucifer falling, running amok in the world type of message but I think it could be solidified. If you are really "passing the torch" onto us to continue fighting the good fight then maybe you can say that in a way at the end?

 

Some edits for your consideration: Take or Leave

your wretched hive HOLDS nothing FOR me

ONLY your disdain and my misery

they come together and the damage is done

A HEAVY SORROW outdistancing me

 

MAKE THIS YOUR CHORUS:

YOUR BROKEN SOUL STILL HARBORING YOUR PRIDE

HIDDEN in the shadows and the darkness of night

the final conflict and the end has begun

you got some death to do ( I don't like this "you've got some death to do" line it sounds hokey) maybe make reference to the pale horsemen of the apocolypse in Revelation or something, that's what it sounds like you are going for.)

and you blacken the sun

 

I know that there'll be no salvation FOR ME(you said that this was about carrying on the fight, but this guy says there is NO SALVATION-if it's NO SALVATION just for him, then we need to tell everyone that! If there is NO SALVATION at all-then why fight?)

I WILL NOT REST in peace

you burnT or BURNED (you have a tense problem here with "you burn" and the angels "will fall") the sky and the angels will fall

to THE scortched earth where you burry us all

 

CHORUS again

 

I am not done with you

and you are not done with me

the poison IS RUNNING through my veins

and now nothing's left of me

NOTHING's LEFT OF ME

 

(But....in what way does that ending inspire me to carry on?-you need to tell us that although nothing is left of you (the singer who has lost the battle with evil) we need to keep fighting.)

 

That is my semi-pro evaluation,

I won't bore you with my history right now-feel free to keep any of the changes I made or throw them all away.

 

Peace,

Bryan

[b-lance]

nice to see people still rhyme "me" with "me"

 

 

bert

[BryanMichael]

Yes-

that is generally considered an inappropriate rhyme for a wordsmith...

 

But it has been done plenty of times-

 

a true rhyme is one where the proceeding consanant sound is different in each word with a rhyming vowel sound.

 

"Harmony" and "Irony" are not true rhymes

"Harmony" and "Sympathy" are

 

Peace,

Bryan

[devilboy]

Thanks Bryan--you've given me a lot to chew on; I'll definitely be comming back to your post a few times to see what I can get out of it.

 

Interesting reference to Sympathy and Creed--Sympathy is one of my favorite tunes, on the other hand, my experience with Creed is limited to catching them on Leno one night and hearing a song or two on the radio.