Members rachigator Posted June 22, 2002 Members Share Posted June 22, 2002 I had a creative burst last night... I was in rare form and was all hyper. After runnnnning to my room, I looked at my guitar, sat down and wrote a song. The lyrics I wrote a while back, but it was unusual for me to just have some lyrics that I wrote a while ago go unchanged. So have at it... be kind, be blunt, be an asshole... I really don't care so long as you're honest. After all, in the end, I don't give a {censored} what you think... I write because I love it. :) But you're feedback is much appreciated! We'll call it "Upwards From My Innards" for now... All I can see Is your enamored smile And your gentler kiss-- They both make me sick I never thought you'd be A lifer gone so sour... And I had such hope for you. Oh, I changed so quick. Upwards from my innards Comes the labor of my love. I'm fast to choke it down As I lean on my own broken legs. While walking away, You drew a crowd As I watched with tears behind My brown eyes. Waiting for a moment Without your salty shroud, I'll watch your back And ponder the solitary. Upwards from my innards Comes the labor of my love. I'm fast to choke it down As I lean on my own broken legs. You've left me nothing to draw from But the blood of my survival. And I'm not so sure If I'll later want to share... The last verse goes along with the chorus... It's got a minor, backbeat blues kinda swing to it. Yah.. now that I think of it, these are the least structured lyrics I've written in a while. So let a girl know. Thanks! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members sdl89939 Posted June 22, 2002 Members Share Posted June 22, 2002 I like it, you might have to run some of the words together because some of the lines have more syllables than others, but other than that..rock on! Stephen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mcflytrap Posted June 22, 2002 Members Share Posted June 22, 2002 Sounds like it could be a great nu-metal song! But seriously, the idea is well defined in your lyrics. My only complaint (and it's just my opinion) is that you seem to be trying to cover too much ground with one song. I would try to concentrate on one thought or feeling and flesh it out more. Just my opinion, again. -fries- Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rachigator Posted June 23, 2002 Author Members Share Posted June 23, 2002 Thanks for the feedback! About the syllables... they don't sound good enough when spoken, but somehow work when sung to music. I can't explain it.. except the last word... where it says "...solitary" I originally had "...impossible compromise" I dont' know... the word 'solitary' just doesn't feel right. any suggestions would be welcome. And the too much ground... i agree... but it was this whole situation that gave me that many things to think about all at once... maybe subconsciously i was trying to convey my confusion within. do I sound pretentious yet? But seriously, thanks guys. I enjoy hearing your feedback. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Welladjusted Posted June 23, 2002 Members Share Posted June 23, 2002 it does seem kind of staind-esque Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ageofzeppelin Posted June 23, 2002 Members Share Posted June 23, 2002 I think "leaning on broken legs" would fit better than "As I lean on my own broken legs""solitude" is the word you're looking for with "solitary". Still may not be what you want, but solitary needs to describe something - solitary compromise, solitary madness, etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members JD92 Posted June 25, 2002 Members Share Posted June 25, 2002 Vomitus maximus. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.