criticism required

[ageofzeppelin]

I've never shared my lyrics with anyone, as I'm not in a band and have never posted them anywhere. I wrote these today, they are the first two verses to a new song. I have no chorus or title yet. Be ruthless, if such a thing is required.

 

if this is love

why does it have to be so sad

why does it have to feel so bad

and if you believe in love

you've never felt the way I feel

you've never seen what's real

 

and in this life

the rain just makes the daisies weep

this is all I've felt for weeks

and if you believe in life

there are some things you don't realize

you need to open up your eyes

[JiveJust]

Kinda of trite but if you have what it takes to pull the words off live then it would be a good tune.

[misanthropy]

the second stanza is something you should build on i think. maybe even make that the chorus. the first stanza is saying something - but it's something that's already been said a million times and doesn't need to be repeated. like i said, the second stanza seems catchy to me - build on it if you can, i say.

[b-lance]

I like your rhyming style, I cant think of anyone of the top of my head that uses that one. I agree with the other guy, the first stanza needs work, but the second one is quite well. Keep up the good work.

 

 

bert

[ageofzeppelin]

I was thinking maybe this would work for a chorus:

 

cause nothing's as it seems

it's not

what you'd expect to be

and nothing's as it seems

it's not

what you'd expect from me

nothing's as it seems

oh no

nothing's like it seems