Members gdb53 Posted June 30, 2002 Members Share Posted June 30, 2002 Heres the words to a couple of original songs we do in my band, we're nothing flash at the moment, just starting out, but we have lofty ambitions anyway, any constructive criticism would be appreciated... Your Ways: a resolution... in my head why cant i follow... where im lead i want to help you... i want to care but without you... im never there i feel a longing... to belong in a culture... that leads me on another calling... whispers to me which is stronger... who will i be? what do you want from me? how long before i see the wisdom in your ways the light beyond the haze Untitled (as yet): in this life i lead what am i tring to find? am i the landlord of a vacant mind? you take me away from the fear i create inside of my head, you let me escape from the thoughts inside my head erase what i once had said and the life i lead, its not so simple and plain oh i wont live my life in vain now i feel im falling over under without calling tryin to find a piece of my mind without you always thought id make it now im not so sure in this world there is nothing certain any more Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members JackSonic Posted June 30, 2002 Members Share Posted June 30, 2002 " I did this", "I did that". Have you ever noticed that 95% of the songs on the radio are in the first person? Take out all the personal references ("I"s) and you'll have something a little more etherial and interesting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members cool_E Posted June 30, 2002 Members Share Posted June 30, 2002 Actually, pretty good stuff! Why? Some unique, original, memorable lines & visuals. Speaking a language everyone can understand and with feelings and emotions that all can relate to. Originally posted by gdb53 Heres the words to a couple of original songs we do in my band, we're nothing flash at the moment, just starting out, but we have lofty ambitions anyway, any constructive criticism would be appreciated... Your Ways: a resolution... in my head why cant i follow... where im led i want to help you... i want to care but without you... im never there nice rhythm within the lyric itself. The second half could probably be stronger. i feel a longing... to belong in a culture... that leads me on great thought & presentation. I'm betting the end of the second line could be really great if you look around a bit more. another calling... whispers to me the second half of this line doesn't seem to flow as well as the rest do. which is stronger... who will i be? put it to 'em! what do you want from me? how long before i see the wisdom in your ways the light beyond the haze? very nice chorus. Using "light" is a bit cliche but it seems to work here. I think using "haze" helps out. Untitled (as yet): in this life i lead what am i tring to find? am i the landlord of a vacant mind? you take me away from the fear i create inside of my head, you let me escape these two lines could be better, more visual & memorable from the thoughts inside my head erase what i once had said and the life i lead, its not so simple and plain oh i wont live my life in vain now i feel im falling over under without calling tryin to find a piece of my mind without you always thought id make it now im not so sure in this world there is nothing certain any more this effort isn't nearly as strong as the first one. Try and brainstorm a bit more on this one. I can see that you have a gift. The trick is to use it and hone it. Because you've been give this gift it is your calling to become better at it. Keep writing... You're doing the right thing! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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