teehee

[b-lance]

I try to open up to you,

but I get thrown away

Did i fail a test?

I think I lost my wallet.

and I regress

to stress that I adore

everything you are

and everythin you've become

 

I try to help you

but you're childish

eskimonian ezord

I think I lost the feeling

and I regress

but I guess that I

will still have you

but just a seperate package.

 

I try to reach you

but you're to far away

but I plan to stay

However long it takes

These yellow fields leave me jaded

but the blue sun left me burned

 

If I give you a tulip will you marry me?

If I give you a rose would you get together?

If I give you a hug would you love me?

If you gave me a gun, i would surely debase the world.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

what'd you guys think?

 

 

bert

[mcflytrap]

Sounds like something Danny_Lannon would have written...

[b-lance]

 

Originally posted by mcflytrap Sounds like something Danny_Lannon would have written...

 

Whos that?

is this a complement?

 

 

bert

[misanthropy]

i like it, but i'd also like to see you fit that into a song. it'd be interesting to see how it works. one suggestion - the way you open it up: "I try to open up to you but i get thrown away" seems a little too cliche for me. it seems i've heard the phrases "open up" "thrown away" in way too many songs lately, but that's just my opinion.

 

i think the ending is solid. again, seems more like a poem than a song, which is how a lot of my lyrics look, so maybe i can learn something when i hear it sung. you got music for it ?

[b-lance]

 

Originally posted by misanthropy i like it,

 

Thanx

 

but i'd also like to see you fit that into a song. it'd be interesting to see how it works. one suggestion - the way you open it up: "I try to open up to you but i get thrown away" seems a little too cliche for me. it seems i've heard the phrases "open up" "thrown away" in way too many songs lately, but that's just my opinion.

 

Yes, i was leary on putting the open up and throw away stuff in there, for that fact mainly. It was late at nite, so I'll go back and revise it.

 

 

i think the ending is solid. again, seems more like a poem than a song, which is how a lot of my lyrics look, so maybe i can learn something when i hear it sung. you got music for it ?

 

I have music for it. But, i haven't shown it to my bad yet, so its on my stupid 4 track still. one I figure out a way to load those to my computer, I'll post some clips.

 

 

thanx for replying.

 

bert