Members bobsetsfire Posted July 3, 2002 Members Share Posted July 3, 2002 Why do you call meWhen we both know you've nothing to sayThat could change the things between usOr explain why you went away I'm not comin' home todayI don't wanna hear what you sayI'm not goin back todayI'm not hearing what you say Words, they always fail meWhen you want to talk about why you fledYour words they de-rail meAnd the points were changing up ahead I didn't catch that train todayI just need some time awayI wouldn't know just what to sayIf I saw you here today Just another let-downIn a world of constitution restitution destitutionJust another let-downLeft you waiting at the stationThoughts filled with trepidation You told me that you wantedTo see things change, re-arrange, they felt so strange the way we left themI told you that I wantedTo take your heart, tear it apart and see just how you're really feeling I thought I told you yesterdayI need some time from the frayI never wanted things to turn out this wayBut I guess if it stops the decay then it's good Just another let-downIn a world of constitution restitution destitutionJust another let-downLeft you waiting at the stationThoughts filled with trepidation --------==========---------============--------===========-------- Thanks guys, I still need to do the lyrics for the verse, then I'm all set to record it! But if there's any better lines you can think of, I'd pleased to hear 'em Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members DigitalGringo Posted July 3, 2002 Members Share Posted July 3, 2002 Hey, My only comment - I didn't think the word "Fled" sounded right (Verse2 , line 2)... Just don't think it fits... Otherwise, some great analogies, some good use of words (especially in the chorus).... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bobsetsfire Posted July 3, 2002 Author Members Share Posted July 3, 2002 Originally posted by DigitalGringo Hey,My only comment - I didn't think the word "Fled" sounded right (Verse2 , line 2)...Just don't think it fits...Otherwise, some great analogies, some good use of words (especially in the chorus).... Yeah... I couldn't find another word to rhyme... that was my main area of concern. I'll go to bed and think about it I think Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ageofzeppelin Posted July 3, 2002 Members Share Posted July 3, 2002 I think that the third pre chorus could be worked on a bit - all of the other pre choruses follow a particular rhyming scheme, and this one starts to but then breaks the form. I think it'd flow better if you did some rearranging - "i guess it's good if it stops the decay" or some such line would improve it greatly. Also, I don't know how you plan on singing this, but to me the "constitution restitution destitution" bit seems as if it could be better if you let two of those words go and just used one. That'll depend on the music though. Why not just "left" instead of "fled"? That'd work just fine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members 403 Posted July 4, 2002 Members Share Posted July 4, 2002 not bad at all.... don't screw it up with the vocal melody post a link once you've recorded it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bobsetsfire Posted July 4, 2002 Author Members Share Posted July 4, 2002 Originally posted by ageofzeppelin I think that the third pre chorus could be worked on a bit - all of the other pre choruses follow a particular rhyming scheme, and this one starts to but then breaks the form. I think it'd flow better if you did some rearranging - "i guess it's good if it stops the decay" or some such line would improve it greatly. {censored} man, I wish I'd read that this morning! I just left it Also, I don't know how you plan on singing this, but to me the "constitution restitution destitution" bit seems as if it could be better if you let two of those words go and just used one. That'll depend on the music though. Yeah, don't worry, it fits comfortably! Have a listen... the links at the bottom of this post! Originally posted by 403 not bad at all.... don't screw it up with the vocal melody post a link once you've recorded it! Thanks! Just Another Let-Down Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members 403 Posted July 6, 2002 Members Share Posted July 6, 2002 hey nomad - either my download manager sucks or you've got a 166 byte song!! I think it's the first one Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bobsetsfire Posted July 6, 2002 Author Members Share Posted July 6, 2002 Originally posted by 403 hey nomad - either my download manager sucks or you've got a 166 byte song!! I think it's the first one I reckon it must be your download manager, I tried it and it wa a 3.18Mb download! Keep tryin' hombre! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members misanthropy Posted July 7, 2002 Members Share Posted July 7, 2002 you know, i thought it was good. i usually don't have much use for anything non-guitar centered but to me, that's a good start to building a song. it's got a catchy chorus i think. one suggestion - think of some words that have a more obvious relationship to each other instead of "constitution, restitution, destitution". maybe "consitipation, anticipation, extracation" or "disillusion, prostitution, large protrusion". i dunno. just a thought. good song man. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oblivionr9 Posted July 10, 2002 Members Share Posted July 10, 2002 Originally posted by DigitalGringo Hey,My only comment - I didn't think the word "Fled" sounded right (Verse2 , line 2)...Just don't think it fits...Otherwise, some great analogies, some good use of words (especially in the chorus).... what about "filled me with led" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Kingnome Posted July 10, 2002 Members Share Posted July 10, 2002 Originally posted by misanthropy .... large protrusion". i dunno. just a thought. Large protrusion ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Horsehair Posted July 10, 2002 Members Share Posted July 10, 2002 The above posts focused on specifics, which I think are quite helpful given your request. However, the overall characteristics of these lyrics suggest a style of music that would purposely minimize or obscure the actual lyrical content so as to not distract from a showcase vocal or instrument arrangement. I Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ChrisFlynn Posted July 10, 2002 Members Share Posted July 10, 2002 Horsehair - wow, thanks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bobsetsfire Posted July 10, 2002 Author Members Share Posted July 10, 2002 Wow. Thanks Horsehair! I really appreciate you taking the time to write that. I agreed with you for pretty much all of it. I'm my own biggest critic you see... I'll read it again and believe me, it's all taken into consideration! Thanks again! -bob Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Monkeytrumpets Posted July 10, 2002 Members Share Posted July 10, 2002 Well, I have to say, these lyrics are astoundingly pedestrian. Trite would also be an appropriate description. I'm sorry, I was rash and unfair. These were written by the thirteen-year-old, right? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bobsetsfire Posted July 12, 2002 Author Members Share Posted July 12, 2002 Originally posted by Monkeytrumpets Well, I have to say, these lyrics are astoundingly pedestrian. Trite would also be an appropriate description. I'm sorry, I was rash and unfair. These were written by the thirteen-year-old, right? No... but close, I'm 17... -edit: not that I can't take criticism, but can you psot some of YOUR lyrics please? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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