Please take a look at this and tell me what you think

[oblivionr9]

Here's something I put together last night. Please share your thoughts on it: suggestions, comments, anything..

Before anyone acuses me I admit to having stolen the title of the film "Requiem for a dream" is this song. For those of you who haven't seen that movie: It's great. It almost made me vomit that's how emotionally stressing it is. Anyway...

 

 

"Requiem"

 

[V1]

not even stawberry fields seems like they're forever no more

I've tried our hardest to convince ourself it's their fault

but it's not easy to believe that

 

[V2]

she says she twenty, still treated like a child

I keep telling her of times I never had

we listen, laugh, but nothing's really said

 

[bridge]

understand that I'm misunderstood

understand I does me no good

to make up some somewhat meaningfull thing I can say to you

 

[Chorus]

I'm dreaming a dream, I'd be talking her talk

more than ever it seems to be fading away

it's probably better to make it seem

that I'm writing the requiem for our dream

loosing no sleep over underdog losses

it's better to hide, than to carry her crosses

 

fallen

cut down

I've become

 

[V3]

You must have mistaken me for someone else with potential

I said as she walked out the door

She turned around smiling like she wanted me to say that more

 

[V4]

It must be like this to know when it's time, and the time you have left is the best 'till it's gone

So you kiss her and tell her she's gorgeous and far beyond

 

[bridge]

 

[Chorus2]

I'm dreaming a dream, I'd be talking her talk

more than ever it seems to be fading away

it's probably to untie our seams

while I'm writing the requiem for our dreams

loosing no sleep over underdog losses

it's better to hide, than to carry her crosses

 

 

[V5]

She kisses you good night, and she takes your hand

that's how you find out, that's when you understand

that it's easier on everyone once she's gone

 

[V6]

I wake up beside a pool of myself

I'm doing all right, but I'm feeling like hell

still it's easier on everyone now that she's gone.

[Tedddy]

NIce!

[oblivionr9]

...

 

any thoughts at all... anyone??

[WattsUrizen]

I hate to be picky, but I'm going to play English professor, and not that some of the grammar is not technically correct. Such as 'I've tried our hardest'. And 'dreaming a dream' is just redundant.

 

I would have liked to see you pursue the style you open with 'not even strawberry fields seem like they're forever'. I think there's a little too much storytelling, rather than trying to paint the emotional landscape.

[IHATEMUSIC]

it seems like you have a lot of words going on that don't add to the emotional punch of the song -- articles, prepositions, conjunctions, helping verbs. Poetry and songwriting should be about economy--saying the most with the least amount of words. I think you could clean these lryics up a bit if you worked more in shards of imagery and less in full sentences.

 

For instance, the opening line could easily be truncated to "strawberry fields ain't/aren't forever no more." I the core idea remains, but you get to toss out much of the filler.

 

Other than that you might just wanna focus on making each line memorable and unique. You are using some fairly standard imagery in some of the lines, and depending on your overall vision for what this song will be, you might wanna make all the lines stand out. I there's going to be some fairly intricate instrumental work going on, you can prolly let the lyrics remain a bit "typicall" so the song doesn't get too busy.

[Horsehair]

In general, this is nice work. These lyrics evoke a sense of indistinct, almost dreamy emotions peppered with real-life interactions. There is a sense of time-shift here (intentional?) - past & present observations are presented alternately, which contributes to the overall vague feeling. If that