lyric criticism

[bulldawgu812]

this is my first time on this forum. i need some help with lyrics i am writing because all my friends and family never give me any good criticism about a song. so bare with me this is one of the first songs i have written that i think is worth putting music to.

 

Caught in a whisper

 

Please be with me now

I think I

[bulldawgu812]

sorry the part that labels chorus bridge etc... ran on with the rest of the song, it wasnt supposed to be like that so just excuse it...

[WattsUrizen]

There's nothing inherently bad about, it's just that the images you use are quite cliched.

[bulldawgu812]

thanks for the help.... i am 15 years old and i have been playing guitar a little over 5 years... this is one of the first times i have ever tried to write a song, because the last 2 years i have been in a praise band at my church, and recently recorded a cd with them. so the original writing is pretty new to me... thanks for the help everybody

[eatsdrummachine]

you're only 15? sweet- I wish I would have had the guts to put something out there like you did when I was 15. yes, it's cliche- especially the bridge after the 2nd chorus where you rhyme blind/kind/died/cried. perhaps you're trying to reach too much and not using your normal vocab. or maybe this is your style- either way- at 15 you have plenty of time to figure it out.

 

I say keep asking questions and collecting ideas- your concern for what draws in listeners is a skill many artists struggle with. also- do YOUR thing. you have to live with it- you get to decide what you like. if you want to write songs that russian figure skaters could do routines to then you are on the right track. my first lyrics were sort of metallica sounding. hee hee (no offense het fans- I'm merely saying it's a far cry from my current vibe). so don't worry if you don't want to be confused with barry manillow- you have plenty of time to develop your passions and sharpen your craft.

 

/johnny

[bulldawgu812]

thanks so much.... i was goin for a little bit of a cliche, but not too much. i want the people that listen to the song to be able to put different things in their lives into the song.... for instance, i was thinkin about it as a walk with god with ups and downs.... but i want it to be if people are say having trouble with a girl, it ties into to that for them.... so basically i kinda wanted this to be a little cliche, but not to an extreme. and also i am gonna change that bridge a bit. thanks guys, when i was little i used to want to be a musician for a living... but over the years i have watched many of my mentors (people i looked up to) just spiral downhill because of pursuing a musical career. but i think i am feeling god telling me to go into music as my career, and hopefully with the help of people like yall i can get there with the god. god bless

[WattsUrizen]

I think you mean that are looking to write songs with ambiguous meanings; themes which all sorts of people can relate to all sorts of situations.

 

Now this is a difficult thing, an ambitious thing, and a somewhat pretentious thing. But it's a damn brilliant thing.

 

I hope that you can pull it off because - like our friend said - it takes a lot of balls to post your work very freely. Especially when you're only 15. Good luck.