New Song I wrote! pleease listen

[falseaddiction]

Its called At Sunrise....i did all the parts in the song. I used N-track studio to record it on my comp, along with a radioshack mixer....also i plugged the guitar straight into the mixer....but the quality is still good i think. Let me know what you think about the song overall. Thanks

 

http://pat.streetterror.com/atsunrise.mp3

 

here are the lyrics:

 

The sun has come, but we are blind

The rain has come, But we will melt upon its touch

The clouds cover my city

And hold me as their slave

 

Chorus:

Where do u think you

[falseaddiction]

pleeeeeeeeeeassssssse

[electricmel]

I listened -

 

After that intro it surprised me with the emo-turn.

 

It was nice, kind of punky/jumpy/quirky. It had a cool mix to. Very thin and wiry but it suited the music well. The only thing I would maybe do is add abit of compression to the vocal to even it out a bit. But you really don't need to do that if you don't want to {censored} around with it any more...

 

What sort of bands are you into? I definetely heard the emo. I alos heard touches of like Joe Jackson or The Feelies or Television even Elvis Costello.

 

Now listen to MINE!

[falseaddiction]

Actually I listen to more alt. rock than emo. My fav bands are Smashing Pumpkins and Radiohead. I listen to Jimmy eat world and Juliana theory too....for emo bands. I was just in a good mood and felt like writing a more upbeat happy song. I'm glad you liked it.

[Joyride]

this is constructive critisism, not a personal attack. remember that

 

 

im gunna focus on the song structure, not the performance, or recording quality

 

intro reminded me of the theme for the TV show "friendly Giant"

 

a very melodic but almost sounded "wussy"

 

lyrics seemed overly poetic and almost korny

but thats just from a listeners standpoint, maybe to you they are something deep, but that didn't come through in the song, after listening to it, it felt like its just some kid with no source of insparation so he sung about rain and sun and {censored} like that. like you just tossed a buncha words to gether that sounded "poetic" and "neat"

 

2 years ago i wrote {censored} like that, so i know where your coming from.

 

my suggestion to you is, go get waisted and laid, and write a song about that.

 

it seemed to be "overly poetic"

 

maybe thats what your shooting for, but it seemes thats all you ever see on this forum is songs like yours, my oppinion may be biased because im growing tiresom of these kind of songs, since they do eat up 95 % of the stuff on here. maybe its a form of self therapy for you.

 

or maybe its me, we all went through stages in the beginning of our songwriting like this. maybe its something youll grow out of, or maybe its where you want to be. if thats the case congrats, cause youve reached your goal. Cause ill tell ya, im no where close to mine.

 

JR

[WattsUrizen]

 

Originally posted by Joyride my suggestion to you is, go get waisted and laid, and write a song about that.

 

 

Methinks most people who do this write lousy songs. Far too superficial. I mean, the need for booze and sex is one of the basest instincts of man. Our primordial aspect is a powerful thing, but most people just see it as a joke or an avenue to write some mediocre lyrics.

[falseaddiction]

did u like my song Anomandaris?

[Joyride]

the reason i suggest to people to go write a song about something not so deep and important is because their entire focus wont be on the actual lyrics, they wont be so attached to them. and hopefully for my sake focus more on melody and hooks and those devices in a song.

 

plus, when your just starting out, singing about something a lil more broad, and with a bit more focus on the melody will alow other people to relate to a song easier

 

for example

 

The sun has come, but we are blind

The rain has come, But we will melt upon its touch

 

WTF? i do no feel like sitting down and have to figure out what hes trying to talk about

 

if its something not so overly poetic that after one quick listen someone can be like

 

"hey cool"

 

and not

"WTF?"

 

than in the beginning your WAY ahead of the game

 

 

so if your trying to write songs that you want other people to enjoy hearing then listen to my advice, if these songs are for self theraputic reasons, then your doing awesome.

 

 

BTW

 

go check out some of Tom Waits Lyrics

and youll understand what i mean

he has a nack for being tounge and cheek poetic, but yet real.

 

IE

 

"you know their ain't no devil theirs just god when hes drunk"

thats a lyric from one of tom waits songs - heartattack and vine

 

 

Darren

[electricmel]

 

I was just in a good mood and felt like writing a more upbeat happy song.

 

 

?????

 

That was upbeat and happy?

 

I'd hate to hear your downer stuff.

 

Definetely had an "emo" sound.

 

 

My fav bands are Smashing Pumpkins

 

 

People still listen to them?

[negative sleep]

 

Originally posted by electricmel ????? That was upbeat and happy? I'd hate to hear your downer stuff. Definetely had an "emo" sound. People still listen to them?

 

 

smashing pumpkins are the best band ever nazi.

[WattsUrizen]

Joyride, I have to disagree with you, although I do understand that your point of view is quite valid. My opinion is that good poetic lyrics will entice the listener, no matter what. Good metaphor and imagery is always a beautiful thing, a true triumph of human creativity. So, in your terms, I think a good poetic song is more likely to make people go 'cool' rather than 'WTF?'. Also, to say that people enjoy straightforward songs moreso than more abstract ones is a misnomer. Ok, I'll concede that straightforward songs sometimes offer more instant gratification. But in my experience it's the more abstract and challenging songs which are the most rewarding in the long run.

 

Now, for the song

 

The first thing I noticed was the somewhat sloppy guitar playing (inconsistent tone, and some lack of rhythmic stability - sometimes it even sounded a little out of tune). The off key vocals also soured things for me. But that's just a performance aspect, which you can fix up easily.

 

There is some nice melody, and the drums add a nice bounce. I quite liked the ending.

 

The structure is quite simple, but also to the point, so being a short piece it becomes fairly effective.

 

However, it just lacks those little details and depth to really become a keeper.

 

So overall it's not bad, but nothing spectacular.

[Joyride]

i guess i should do a lil bit of self defence here

 

im not saying over poetic and complex songs are bad

 

im just saying for people starting out and getting use to the whole song writing thing seem to always focus on it to much

 

the tips were more for people just starting out in writing,

after you get going and can learn to balance melody, with lyrics etc, then sure, its a great thing, but it juts seems that 99 % of the newbie song writers i see always have songs top heavey with overly poetic lyrics, they should be focusing on melody, and construction and arrangement,

lyrics should be secondary when beginning with song writing

 

Darren

[WattsUrizen]

That's fair enough.

 

However, it's one thing to work on a weakness, and another to forsake a strength. If you don't keep using your strengths, they'll degenerate. So while you should, as Joyride said, put extra effort into working on your weakness, you need to keep exercising your stronger talents.

[Riff]

I like the song. I think the verses are right-on musically.

 

The chorus, I don't know... I didn't try to figure out the progression or anything, but I think would sound better if it went higher, or was a little more melodic, especially at the end of the lines.