Members ClusterOne Posted August 8, 2002 Members Share Posted August 8, 2002 the lyrics forum? having said that, here's my latest stab -- as I work on the music I'd love some feedback on the lyrics. Anomandris (sp?), you seem to always be honest with people and have good critique (and you know when to tell them that this song sucks ), so your input is especially welcome. Enjoy! Shattering I don't know the color of your eyes on things like this is what my world relies Sun high over sand and watery wishes stand here again watching near the closeness of the tide a planets worth of life right here beside shading from the glare to see you shining there like a star shattering the dream will always end scattering shards of broken glass to mend words can never say why I was god that day in your arms Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members SDO Posted August 8, 2002 Members Share Posted August 8, 2002 pretty cool, shortish though, but good:D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members electricmel Posted August 8, 2002 Members Share Posted August 8, 2002 hey - these are great - nice story line, flow, imagery. Here is a constructive opinion. And by the way thanks for the positive comments about my lyrics. on things like this is what my world relies This seems like a forced rhyme An easy fix would be to take out "is what" - "On things like this, my world relies" When I feel like a line sounds forced sometimes I just delete words untill it becomes smooth. Maybe not as clear, but that's o.k. and kinda' cool. But on the other hand - I was thinking you could change it to go off the "...color of your eyes" and add some more imagery to the song, which is it's stongpoint. How about - "I don't know the color of your eyes... Brilliant blue or green delight" Just an idea. Hey, are you a Phish fan - I saw the Page Mc Connell reference in another post. This would make a cool Phishy song. Sort of going through the verse slow and plaintive and then take off into Phish-happy harmonic power chords on the last line of the verses. Do you have music to it? I also like the title if you are going for a simple title for a strong song. But if not, I would use one with more words to it because I don't like one-word titles. "Why I Was God That Day". Good Luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members umps Posted August 8, 2002 Members Share Posted August 8, 2002 i agree with electricmel, i like to be creative with my titles instead of using one word titles. It may be the first thing that the listner hears or see so I always think of the titles as the first line of a song rather than a phrase or a word that sums up the song. Otherwise, the lyrics are really good. It's not at all sugary or corny despite the fact that it's a love song, and that's a very hard thing to do. So give yourself a pat on the back. You have a very nice strutcture to your song, and you've done a good job tightly following up on your rhyme scheme without being cliched and sounding like it's forced. The last two line sounded very nice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members WattsUrizen Posted August 9, 2002 Members Share Posted August 9, 2002 That's quite a nice song. Umps is totally right. It's a beautiful love song, but it's not sentimental or cliched. I think our friend Deryck should have a look at this, since he was having a little trouble with love songs. I agree with Electricmel that the second line sounds as though you really didn't know what to put. Also, I think the first two lines don't really fit with the rest of the song, in regard to the imagery. If you'll forgive me, I've got a suggestion that may help illustrate my point Crystal dunes reflect off copper skinCobalt waves shimmer in your eyes Ok, I didn't really try hard, but what I hope to show is that there is a 'beach' imagery type thing, which links a bit more closely to the rest of the song. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ClusterOne Posted August 9, 2002 Author Members Share Posted August 9, 2002 thanks for the feedback guys, my rewrite is taking into account what all of you said. Looking again, you're all definately correct. -- the second line is straining quite a bit. If I can't find anything to fit into the scheme and rhythm I might have to change the whole first stanza altogether. Anomandaris -- dead on with the beach guess, I was hoping to imply that without being *too* obvious (I guess things like sand, tide, and waves are dead giveaways). Anyhow, thanks everyone, your ideas will hopefully make this a better song.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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