Members weez219 Posted August 9, 2002 Members Share Posted August 9, 2002 We'll I wrote three songs. Three songs that I actually put some effort in to. I am hoping you can critic my lyrics, praise me, boo me, give suggestions and whatever. 001 - needs a title verse There's not a way That I can say How much I love you Anything goes Everything stays When you're looking my way prechorus There is something in your eye That won't let me deny That I am in love with you verse Try not to slam Me with your hand I want to tell you When I am blue I think of you Then everythings okay [prechorus] chorus Oh baby I want you to know The distance is where we will go Don't worry, baby, I've got it figured out. 002 - Change the World verse Wake up its time to get outta bed Off to school and work and all things you dread There's nothing much that we can do for you. verse I've tried nothing and I'm outta ideas I'm gonna give up and realize my fears There's nothing much that we can do for you. chorus Stop wasting your life away Go outside and change the world today Make your move now or you'll regret it And come crawling back to me I can't support you without fees You won't pay. 003 - Take Me Away verse There is only one for me and I know its not you. You're driving me crazy girl, I don't know what to do. I'm dying to leave you. You yell and you scream and you kick when things are out of whack. There is nothing more I'd like to do than ram my boot up your crack. I'm dying to leave you. Chorus If this is how you'll play I won't stay one more day Take me away I'd hate to stay Verse I've been waiting a long, long, time to tell you how I feel. I'm dying to leave you. I'm dying to leave you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members cool_E Posted August 9, 2002 Members Share Posted August 9, 2002 Do you really want a serious critique or just a pat on the back? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members weez219 Posted August 9, 2002 Author Members Share Posted August 9, 2002 Originally posted by cool_E Do you really want a serious critique or just a pat on the back? A serious critique, please. I can handle the truth;) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ClusterOne Posted August 9, 2002 Members Share Posted August 9, 2002 the first one just needs to go. It reminds me of Gavin Rossdale lyrics, which drive me right up the wall. The second one has some good ideas, but like alot of my songs it seems like your rhymes are occasionally forced. The dread-bed rhyme just seems wrong to me for some reason. The last line in the Chorus doesn't seem to really fit in with the rest of the song. This song has alot of potential in my opinion, so I'd definitely think about tying up some loose ends in a rewrite and you'd have something good. Number three is the only one that can survive nearly untouched, as long as completely obliterate "You yell and you scream and you kick when things are out of whack. There is nothing more I'd like to do than ram my boot up your crack." It's funny enough I guess, but it seems like the rest of the song is, if not so much more serious, than at least more mature You've got some potentially good songs here, I'm sure you'll get plenty of responses on how you can improve them and in the end you'll be left with a better piece for it. Good luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bulldawgu812 Posted August 10, 2002 Members Share Posted August 10, 2002 those are very immature lyrics. sorry, but you wanted the truth. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members DarkPopToys Posted August 10, 2002 Members Share Posted August 10, 2002 Yeah. There's too much "you, me, we" kind of stuff. I don't know. If I were you, I would try using more visual words to...I don't know...paint a picture, so to speak. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members cool_E Posted August 10, 2002 Members Share Posted August 10, 2002 OK. 001 - needs a title verseThere's not a wayThat I can sayHow much I love you very cliche & worn. Do somethingunique & interesting here in the opening. This is one ofthe most important places in your lyric. Anything goesEverything staysWhen you're looking my way the attempt at a twist showssome promise. But the first and third lines are cliche. prechorusThere is something in your eye That won't let me denyThat I am in love with you weak, sounds like an eyelash verse Try not to slamMe with your handI want to tell you When I am blueI think of youThen everythings okay this stanza sounds very juvenile and cliche [prechorus] chorusOh baby I want you to knowThe distance is where we will go forced language to make a rhymeDon't worry, baby, I've got it figured out. overall you really haven't written anything even resemblingan original thought. You need to quit using cliches and speakfrom your own memories and associations. You need to do alot of work on general writing. Go and read lyrics from greatsongs, read good poetry, get a book on how to write lyricsand read it. Do a lot of writing, avoid using cliches. You want to write, you'll need to work at becoming a goodwriter, just like you need to work at becoming a good musician. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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