Members Neon-Frog Posted August 22, 2002 Members Share Posted August 22, 2002 The first of these songs is already a full song with music that i demoed with my old band, the second is one that i am currently finishing the music for, and hope to demo sometime in the near future. So any advice on improving the lyrics, constructive criticism anything would be great Thanx Close But So Far Away; Verse1 One day we will see The pain she causes me Open ended lies Heart-filled and sorrowful cries She used to love so much What has been wrong? Refused to make a fuss Pre-Chorus Now it has gone on We knew it all too well Why did this prolong The happiness I feel Chorus We used to be so fair Over and over again All the times we said Can this ever end? Verse2 Can you help me find The love that has been lost A piece of my own mind And at what cost The pain it comforts me In a way that you cant see And where do I go now Prechorus2 It happened so fast Over the time we had I should just move on Step away from my past Chorus2 We used to be so fair Over and over again Now all I can see Is the pain within me --------- Thoughtless Minds Becoming another within yourself Hidden souls live on Do you know how it felt? Or has it been too long? Personalities surface Through tension and despise Only known to the owner Which ones are the lies How many of them live Inside the comfortable cushion How many of them passed through Into the intense painful war Given new life if only for a moment Only to subside back within Your darkened soul Lives lost, as new ones emerge A plentiful source of incarcerated souls Take your pick amongst us all We don Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Neon-Frog Posted August 22, 2002 Author Members Share Posted August 22, 2002 Im really eager to hear some responses, even if they are bad .. so please some critiqueThanx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Neon-Frog Posted August 25, 2002 Author Members Share Posted August 25, 2002 lol c'mon guys i know it must be reading the same posts over and over again, but im really enthusiastic about some replies, opinions and critique Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members WattsUrizen Posted August 25, 2002 Members Share Posted August 25, 2002 For a fellow Aussie: I didn't really like the first one, nothing there I haven't heard before. The second is quite interesting, with some intriguing imagery. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Neon-Frog Posted August 25, 2002 Author Members Share Posted August 25, 2002 Great thanx .. i was thinking the first was a bit cliched, but i dont have the heart to alter it as it was the first song we did and it holds some sentimental value heheh .. The second im still working on .. But thanx alot for the reply .. Greatly Appreciated Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mr.O Posted August 26, 2002 Members Share Posted August 26, 2002 Did'nt even read it, did'nt have to. I can't hear the music so it is not a song.!!!! :mad: Sorry, but it's a {censored}ing poem!!! I've only been a member for 5 day and I'm sooooo sick of this kind of garbage. Everyone want a pat on the back but all the give you is a bunch of dribble that stupid poem that usually make no sense. I would be glad to HEAR your song so record music and lyrics = a song and put it on MP3 so we can Hear it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members WattsUrizen Posted August 27, 2002 Members Share Posted August 27, 2002 Originally posted by pipijohnson Did'nt even read it, did'nt have to. I can't hear the music so it is not a song.!!!! :mad: Sorry, but it's a {censored}ing poem!!! I've only been a member for 5 day and I'm sooooo sick of this kind of garbage. Everyone want a pat on the back but all the give you is a bunch of dribble that stupid poem that usually make no sense. I would be glad to HEAR your song so record music and lyrics = a song and put it on MP3 so we can Hear it. He asked for advice on the lyrics. Don't be such an arsehole. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Neon-Frog Posted August 27, 2002 Author Members Share Posted August 27, 2002 Rightyo mate i have the first song as a demo mp3 .. Give me a domain to upload it to or i can send it to u .. either way.Only reason i didnt post it was the fact that it is a demo, and it was done a year and ahalf ago, and as a whole im not happy with the song as it was then, the recording was done at a pro studio, but it was mixed and mastered within 20 mins due to time restrictions, the vocals arent anything special altho they are in tune, and none of us could afford to use FX so its just basic clean guitars . BUt hell if u want to hear it .. Let me kno Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mr.O Posted August 29, 2002 Members Share Posted August 29, 2002 Originally posted by Anomandaris He asked for advice on the lyrics. Don't be such an arsehole. Hey, I admit it I sounded like a freaking A Hole, but I can't give real advice on lyrics when I can't hear the song. there are too many nuances in a song/musical comp. to critique written words.I might think he needs to cary a note/lyric for only a .25 count or maybe a whole count. So hopefully you will understand why it's hard to give advice without hearing the real deal. I will try and tone down my Arseholeness! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members TheAxeMan Posted August 29, 2002 Members Share Posted August 29, 2002 Don't listen ta that fag he's a {censored}in ignorant asshole, I liked your lyrics. Specially the second one! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members TheAxeMan Posted August 29, 2002 Members Share Posted August 29, 2002 Oh I'm sorry I didn't mean to be so mean...just advise Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Neon-Frog Posted August 30, 2002 Author Members Share Posted August 30, 2002 thanx for the positive replies im gonna try and get round to uploading the demo to a friends domain site .. but yeh bear in mind it is terrible .. lol to my ears now neway i hate it .. same song just really bad quality Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members WattsUrizen Posted August 30, 2002 Members Share Posted August 30, 2002 Originally posted by pipijohnson Hey, I admit it I sounded like a freaking A Hole, but I can't give real advice on lyrics when I can't hear the song. there are too many nuances in a song/musical comp. to critique written words. I might think he needs to cary a note/lyric for only a .25 count or maybe a whole count. So hopefully you will understand why it's hard to give advice without hearing the real deal. I will try and tone down my Arseholeness! When people post their lyrics, they understand that people aren't getting the whole picture. However, there is still room for us to give advice purely on the lyrics. Because good singers do not make bad lyrics sound good. They just hide them a little. But anyway, we are getting off topic... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mr.O Posted August 30, 2002 Members Share Posted August 30, 2002 Originally posted by Anomandaris When people post their lyrics, they understand that people aren't getting the whole picture. However, there is still room for us to give advice purely on the lyrics. Because good singers do not make bad lyrics sound good. They just hide them a little. But anyway, we are getting off topic... I'm going to offer to agree to disagree. However, what is the point of people not gettng the whole picture? I was listening to a song someone posted and I thought it was AWFULL and as read along with the lyrics I notice that the song wasn't anything close to what I thought it might sound like. That's cool it doesn't have to, but I still thought it was awful and the lyrics looked like it might be a realy cool song. I hope your getting my point and don't mean that is an arsehole kind of way. These are only my thoughts on the matter nothing more. Obviously I'm just dude, not David Geffen. Play it loud. Play it proud!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mr.O Posted August 30, 2002 Members Share Posted August 30, 2002 Originally posted by TheAxeMan Oh I'm sorry I didn't mean to be so mean...just advise You talking to me?? Because if you are I aint feeling the love! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mr.O Posted August 30, 2002 Members Share Posted August 30, 2002 Originally posted by TheAxeMan Don't listen ta that fag he's a {censored}in ignorant asshole, I liked your lyrics. Specially the second one! I'm putting you on my buddy list!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members WattsUrizen Posted August 31, 2002 Members Share Posted August 31, 2002 Originally posted by pipijohnson I'm going to offer to agree to disagree. However, what is the point of people not gettng the whole picture? I was listening to a song someone posted and I thought it was AWFULL and as read along with the lyrics I notice that the song wasn't anything close to what I thought it might sound like. That's cool it doesn't have to, but I still thought it was awful and the lyrics looked like it might be a realy cool song. I hope your getting my point and don't mean that is an arsehole kind of way. These are only my thoughts on the matter nothing more. Obviously I'm just dude, not David Geffen. Play it loud. Play it proud!! I do get your point, and I don't think you are an arsehole. I just thought that post was unnecessarily harsh, that's all. I agree that you can't really judge a song until you have heard it in its entirety. But I trust that you understand my point, that people might just want some help on lyrics, in isolation from music. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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