Members Xoxox Posted August 25, 2002 Members Share Posted August 25, 2002 Let's see: Just What It Takes: My heart breaksHer heart makes me wonderJust what it takesExactly what was the blunder Why is she goneI cryNo one can replace herI sigh Go now, I'm feeling sickWe used to clickNow it's me aloneAnd now I moan She walks by me nowa passing smile, a casual "Hi!"Inside I explodeIs this real or just another lie Gone without a traceTouching with another loverI need an embraceI need love from another Standing here I waitfor the perfect girl to come byWill it be my fateTo live without someone to ease myheaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaart? fade...(guitar solo) Oh my achin' heart girlRescue me now!Have you ever loved someone like I have?Oh I beg you! Well, what do you think? Rate me 1-10 on originality.I'm not in a band, and I don't have any music.This is also kind of a first try. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Zio Posted August 25, 2002 Members Share Posted August 25, 2002 i give ya an 8, that is very good for a first try.It looks good, reads nicely, all ya need is music, which will come in timegood job Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members sojend Posted August 25, 2002 Members Share Posted August 25, 2002 You'd think that people would've had enough of silly love songs.I look around me and I see it isn't sosome people wanna fill the world with silly love songsbut what's wrong with that?......... Keep on keepin' on, as long as you FEEL it . There's nothin' wrong with that;) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mojowilder Posted August 25, 2002 Members Share Posted August 25, 2002 well, ok, you asked, so here goes...for a first try, it's not bad, you have a good sense of rhyme scheme, and the flow is good....but, IMO, the lyrics are pretty cliched...not much new or original there at all. i mean, everyone has had their heart broken at one time or another...and i'm not just dissing on love songs in general...but i would like to see more personal imagery or more content...not just "i'm alone, now i moan"---you get closer to conveying a more unique feeling in the verse where she says a casual "hi" and you explode inside--work on that angle...hidden feelings that are left unspoken...i'm not trying to crush your lyric writing aspirations, but just thought i'd be honest and try to give you some ideas on what to work on. really, if this is the first lyrical piece you've ever written, its not bad...but i think you still need to find your "voice"....keep at it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bulldawgu812 Posted August 26, 2002 Members Share Posted August 26, 2002 ya those lyrics are actually very good for your first time... in good time you will find your own style. i started writing a few months ago, and i finally got my own thing now. it started out really slow, but now i got the hang of things and am doing a lot better at writing... so just stick with itgood job! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Zakko Posted August 26, 2002 Members Share Posted August 26, 2002 remember man, you dont have to ryhme all the time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rachigator Posted August 26, 2002 Members Share Posted August 26, 2002 Just beware of overusing words... its an easy thing to fix. For example, I think it went something like this-- now i'm aloneand now i moan. the word 'now' sounds silly when used twice in such close proximity. as I said before, its easy to fix. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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