Members blameshifter Posted March 18, 2003 Members Share Posted March 18, 2003 OK, its not actually a new song. Written and recorded about 2 years ago but its the only thing I have for critique right now. I've written tons (the bulk of my oeuvre) since then but through some pretty crummy circumstances haven't really gotten a chance to record since then. The bass sounds a little funny in the beginning but overall I think the production is not bad for a home recording. Vocals are completely dry. Not on Holiday Here are the lyrics. Not On Holiday Salty from the mix ups after lifeYou grope and grab your way back to the kite Part the mist with kitten hairs and earsArrest the beat, obliterate their tears Run away to sand and shifty windAnd gauge your luck by gobbling dexadrine She says Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members blameshifter Posted March 19, 2003 Author Members Share Posted March 19, 2003 C'mon, somebody throw me a bone here! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members swillmerchant Posted March 19, 2003 Members Share Posted March 19, 2003 The lyrics are decent enough but I find the bells a bit irritating, maybe alter the arrangement? Or not, it's your song, not mine. Also, I find the ending real cheesy, but whatever, it's your song, no one elses. OR do you want an honest opinion? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members blameshifter Posted March 19, 2003 Author Members Share Posted March 19, 2003 Fair enough. Did the vocal melody do anything for you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members blameshifter Posted March 19, 2003 Author Members Share Posted March 19, 2003 Bump! I know you wanna.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Beowulf Posted March 20, 2003 Members Share Posted March 20, 2003 Actually,that isn't bad.Not bad at all.Swillmerchant had maybe a point on the arrangement but that's only small potatos.I like it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members blameshifter Posted March 20, 2003 Author Members Share Posted March 20, 2003 Beowulf Thanks for the response. I'm kind of partial to the ending and I think the song needed another part to it. The main part of the song is only two chords and it is just the same shape moving up and down a half step. Do you think the ending might be better if the arrangement were done with guitars instead of strings or horns? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members randallnm Posted March 20, 2003 Members Share Posted March 20, 2003 I really like it, actually. It's very unique, and quite catchy. I'm also a big fan of the lyrics. If I could make one comment, it's that the melody is good, but it stays the same throughout the whole song. I like the ending too. Very uplifting, yet depressing at the same time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members IHATEMUSIC Posted March 24, 2003 Members Share Posted March 24, 2003 doode. you read my stuff; here's me returning the favor (though I bet you'll wish I hadn't). ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Not On Holiday Salty from the mix ups after lifeYou grope and grab your way back to the kite~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~cadence seems weird in the second line. I keep reading it as "back to kite." It's prolly cuz the lines are almost the same meter and my brain is making them equal. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Part the mist with kitten hairs and earsArrest the beat, obliterate their tears~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~mentioning kittens wins you some "high school poetry points," but that line seems too precious. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Run away to sand and shifty windAnd gauge your luck by gobbling dexadrine~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~I've absoultely no idea what any of these means. Dexadrine's a cool word though. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~She says no one minds if you should tryLift up your shirt and toss your tie~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~where'd this mood come from? Is this something on the run from an Alan Jackson song? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Momma is a myth that you embraceSpread on your body and shoved in your face~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~okay couplet, but it doesn't relate to anything. Seems very obscene fer a maternal reference. Not that that's wrong, but... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~We just look down when she says thatBang on the table to cover our laughs~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~okay now we got some narrative here. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Stretching muscles, moving only rightLaunch our flesh into the overnight~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~okay some sex/physicality imagery. Where's this from? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Breaking even that is always keyEchoes from the past dont bother me~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~weird shift in voice. you've gotten very colloquial all of a sudden. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~So there's nothing left to amplify the noiseOf chip shot luck and yellow cushion toys~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~another shift in voice and imagery. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Maybe it's better if I just open upLaugh my ass off and spill my guts~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~and again. it's almost like you can't determine if you want these lyrics to be super erudite or very matter of fact. I'm lost here. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Keep every woman that I've ever seenUnravelling in the clutches of my daydreams~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~more high school poetry. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Prancing around and talking just enoughTo grease my wheels for each and every loss~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~huh? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Dancing round my morning brush and shaveTo keep my mouth straight and my rhythms strange~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~yep. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Everything is on a steady keelNot dropped or shaky, ticking out of sync I'm not confused, I'm not on holidayI'm not depressed or floating from the fray...from the fray~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~sure. Well, what can I say--these are all over the place. no one mood. no one voice. no one perspective. no one narrative. just random couplets of verying meter, rhyme, intent, and quality. it's okay to be obscure, but if you choose to do that, stay obscure in the same fashion. is this a narrative or an invective? A litany or a slice-of-life? I couldn't tell you. It doesn't maintain a consistent mood--the closest thing I could ascertain is a vague hint of nostolgia. sorry, but you asked me to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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