Members vallely Posted December 11, 2003 Members Share Posted December 11, 2003 Right I'll post these again for crit because a couple of twats got my thread deleted! So crit please, o and they are not quite complete I knwo I just want your thoughts... POLAROIDS OF THE NIGHT (THE SONG OF FAITH) I awoke with a sleepy head The cigarette burns on my chest Polaroids of your face Polaroids of my disgrace We were drugged up to the eyeballs The room was spinning to the ground I lay flat on my face Asphyxiated within your grace Polaroids of the night I lost Lost all my money and faith Lost my faith in life I gambled for the last time I laid your money out for them They had faith in the system I had it coming and they all knew But I was dowsed in gin again How could I measure your trust? But now it's lost Lost in the night Polaroids of the night I lost Lost all my money and faith Lost my faith in life Poloaroids of the night I lost Illustrates how you shouldn't choose Choose the exit door kid 'Cos Next time you won't be so lucky Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members vallely Posted December 13, 2003 Author Members Share Posted December 13, 2003 I'm gonna keep bumping until I get a criticism Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members red_riviera Posted December 13, 2003 Members Share Posted December 13, 2003 It's an intriguing title, but 'Polaroids of the night I lost' is significantly better. I prefer it where you repeat it, then go on to expand on the image over the next few lines. That seems to reinforce it more than just throwing away the keyword in the 3rd/4th lines. 'I lay flat on my faceAsphyxiated within your grace' is clumsy and a repeat of your rhyme at the end of V1. There's a deep sense of loss and regret here. Keep it coming. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members vallely Posted December 14, 2003 Author Members Share Posted December 14, 2003 Cheers for the crit anyone else? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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