For critiqueing...

[brandnewcolony]

My first complete song.

 

It is played on guitar, will try and get a recording up soon. The flow is a little rough in some places, all input is appreciated.

 

Well where do I go from here

Your lights left on again

 

as you walk in through the back door

I wonder where you've been

 

It's gonna take the creator

to destroy this creation

 

yeah, this life built by you.

 

[chorus]

 

But I guess it doesn't matter

I've seen it all before

 

yeah I guess this doesn't matter

at least not anymore.

 

[v2]

 

These games are getting old

and your eye's on the door.

 

I'm who you wanted me to be

scattered and strewn across the floor.

 

[chorus]

 

[v3]

 

Your lips are telling lies

but your eyes tell the truth

 

I'm finally used to you

 

yeah, keep telling me the lies

anything but the truth.

 

I'm just trying to hold onto you.

 

[chorus]

 

{END}

[thepalpitations]

Sorry to be the first to have to tell you this, but I felt bad that you hadn't gotten any responses.

 

Frankly, your lyrics are a collage of cliches. Some of the worst offenders:

 

"But I guess it doesn't matter / I've seen it all before"

 

"Your lips are telling lies / but your eyes tell the truth"

 

"I'm who you wanted me to be / scattered and strewn across the floor."

 

Now, it's true that great music can cover for a cliche. But a whole song of them is tough to cover. Granted, these lines may not be exact, well-known cliches, but the sentiments and imagery they used are tired and worn out.

 

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh. I know this is your first song, and as such you shouldn't think of it as a failure in any sense, just a learning experience. Most people's first attempts at writing lyrics are similar. There's a perceived need to convey some sort of epic, meaningful desperation, but the result is generic and unmemorable. Don't worry! You'll get over it.

 

Listen to songs whose lyrics you enjoy. From your handle, I'm assuming you're a Postal Service fan. In fact, take a look at the lyrics of "Brand New Colony." Basically, this is one more "I love you and I'll be good to you" song. But study some of the great and unexpected imagery he uses.

 

"I'll support you in whatever you do" is a boring thought. "I'll be the platform shoes and undo what heredity's done to you" is vastly more specific interesting, even though it's a metaphor for the same thing.

 

"I'll save you when you're drowning" is hackneyed. "I'll be the waterwings that save you when you start drowning in an open tab when your judgment's on the brink" (emphasis mine) is great - and again, unexpected.

 

 

The most interesting line in your song, in my opinion is "It's gonna take the creator / to destroy this creation." On it's own it doesn't do much for me, but if you expanded that thought and rebuilt the song around that idea, that could prove fruitful. As it stands now, it's just a semi-abstract idea trying to sound deep, but if you played with it - why can only the creator destroy his/her own creation, why do they want to, etc. - that could be an interesting angle.

 

Good luck! Keep writing, and keep listening!

[Eclepto Funk]

well ... your lyrics are fairly predictable, and they don't really engage my interest; the lyrics are all very general and generic

 

if you could add more "real" details to the song, and make the situation more interesting, or add some interesting thoughts to the lyrics, that would really help

 

ultimately, you need to describe how you feel in real, tangible terms