need some help wiv chorus

[dean1979]

Wrote a song lyrics ae below. I like it i think. Cant find a chorus though and not to sure about the lyrics in the second verse. Coz of this i keeps going on the back burner.

I'm not worried about the mix coz its rough, i know i play'd wiv it, i do that to help me make sure i'm getting to close to where i want.

Feedback on this is essential.

What you think is bad let me know constructivly coz i really want to finish this track.

 

link to the tune:http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_songInfo.cfm?bandID=854214&songID=6772888

 

Difference

 

verse1

A whole worlds been filled with light

A light so bright it'd burn your sight

I held her tight by the lake when she said yes

An open door to never land

We'll live forever take my hand

I'll keep your body warm coz we've been blessed

 

I'll pray that every night and day that

I'll be the one whose in your thoughts

 

I'm with her nearly all the time

We breath together shes my life line

I wished upon a thousand shooting stars

 

Chorus (instrumental)

 

verse2

If i be true to yours will

You be true to mine did

I forget to say how cool you are

 

the rivers where we're walking

the 2 of us are talking

everyday we're falling

we'll never be apart

 

If we fell into the water

I'm gonna keep her safe

coz your all mine forever

and we're gonna stay this way

 

So take my hand and take my dreams

There yours to keep all though it seems

The words I've said could bring the kiss of death

But we know better.

 

Chorus with lyrics

OOPs mind went blank.

[Michael Blue]

Wow, this is great!

 

The only suggestion I would have is something slightly slower in cadence and very simple and melodic (without being too busy)...

Something like a rotating syncopated: E F#, A G#, 3xs then ending again on the A. Every 2 notes falling on one chord, if you know what I mean...

The E and F# over your Dm, the A and G# over your E, etc..

 

Just noodling...As for words; words are WAY too personal and important to the song for me to consider possibly missing the intent of your song. You're on your own there.

[dean1979]

Cheers for the listen,

you comment alot on my stuff and i like what you say, that appauling applause i took your idea for the intro, just waiting for the cookie monster so we can lay it down!

 

 

I think i get what you mean, are you kinda saying use just a couple of notes over each chord

[brbcsb]

sounds pretty good. I dont know enough about songwriting to suggest chorus lyrics, but it is a good song.