Sorry She Found Out - New Lyrics

[Matximus]

First draft. Wrote yesterday. Gotta figure out some music for it. Also "cookie jar" is fill till I can think of something better. Please hammer away ......

 

 

The cookie jar was broken

I copped to where I

[speierg]

That's a real kick in the gut song right there. I like the line in the chorus that takes the reader/listener from thinking you were genuinely sorry to just being sorry that she found out...."I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry she found out."

 

I agree that "cookie jar" needs to be redone. Is the implication that she broke something in a rage when she found out about the cheating? If so, perhaps a picture or a gift that you had given her gets broken. "When she caught me sneaking around" makes me think she caught you in the act...but the broken object makes me think that you are walking into your home and realizing "oh crap, she's on to me." Those two lines seemed a tad bit at odds to me b/c they made my mind create two separate scenes.

 

"I am like a boxer caught throwing my first bout" is a creative line, but it didn't work 100% for me. I get the cheating parallel...that part works. It's the picture of the boxer that didn't work for me. Not sure it needs reworking or not...maybe it's just me.

 

The rest of the song was quite good I thought. The abrupt turn of events is a good lyrical smack to the forehead. Nice work.

[Beakybird]

I have same critique as Spieberg (Overall liking the material). I think you can find better phrases for your "out" rhymes: like "our future is in doubt" or something more natural sounding. Hey, "lout" would be a good rhyme!

 

Beakybird

[Matximus]

Thanks for the feedback! Yeah - there's a surprisingly paltry amount of "out" type rhymes. Was trying to think of sideways rhymes too but came up short. You know what? Amount might work.... I'll post another draft after a rewrite...