First post in Songwriting...

[LAPennell]

This song was written about my recent divorce and losing my son. I usually could come up with an album worth of music off of such an event, but this is all I've written. It's still a bit rough, but you get the idea. I'm open to any and all critiques. I played this solo at an acoustic open mic @ the same venue the video was shot and the owner liked this song enough to book the band for later that same week.

 

Go On...

 

The nights were cold, but you were there

Now they're colder since you've been gone

I used say this was only temporary

But all that's left is the imprint where you laid

 

You took my life, you took my son

It broke my heart when you said we were done

Now I'm left here broke and all alone

No one to turn to, no place to call home

 

And they say, "Go on, just make the best of this

And life will be whatever you make of it..."

 

Life will never be the same from here

We've got the questions but the answers aren't so clear

Just run away, run away

That's what you did

Did you think about what you had done?

Did you think about how this hurts your son?

Run away, just run away

That's what you did...

 

And they say, "Go on, just make the best of this

And life will be whatever you make of it..."

 

But I'm not sure...

 

 

[YOUTUBE][/YOUTUBE]

[Oswlek]

I really dig that uber emotional part. Great stuff there, good visuals and lines. I might be inclined to trim off some of the "about/just" type words, but that is personal preference.

 

A few other ideas that came to mind. I think you should drop the "where" from "But all that's left is the imprint where you laid". Right now it has a very specific meaning, but if you change it to "imprint you laid" it could be more metaphorical.

 

I hear quite a bit of backing vocals. Not necessarily harmonies, just backing stuff. In the second verse I heard a repeated "oh yeah" (I hate that lyrically, I would search for something with that phonetic sound but more meaningful if it were my song) in the back. The melody was very simple, it was all on the same note (I think a C, but I can't be sure of the key right now) with each word getting one beat.

 

Also heard some stuff backing the intense part, just your usual "ahhh" to raise the emotional level.